If I were a blue whale
I’d out-majestic you.
If I were an elephant
My trunk would go “kabloo!”
If I were a father moose
I’d step in front of your car.
If I were a Bengal tiger
I’d stalk you at the bar.
If I were a dog
I’d give you a real’ good lickin’.
If I were the neighbor’s cat
I’d bring you a dead chicken.
If I were a fearsome beast
Your heart, I’m sure, would freeze.
But I’m a rat who pulls a lever
To get a piece of cheese.
The Daily Travesty 