Tag Archives: Animals

Is It The Tail?

Horsey horsey, riding in circles,

Pooping and snorting and chewing on grass.

Horsey horsey, tired of people

Comparing each other to your lovely ass.

Horsey horsey, with shoes made of metal,

Hair on your neck, your face, and your butt.

For some reason women all seem to love you

You’ve something I don’t, but I can’t think of what…

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Her Heroes?

My lady likes a hairy man

Who eats his food straight from a can,

Walks silently around the house

And saved her from a wild mouse.

Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.

Around him she lets down her guard.

He can snuggle up at night

And make the whole world feel alright.

She likes the feeling of his tongue,

Not worried he’s no longer young.

The only worry I have is that

Is this guy me, or is it her cat?

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Remember When I Was A Bachelor And Wrote Funny, Cynical Stuff? Yeah… About That…

I took a nap and pet a cat

And read a book and brushed a horse

And now I write a poem about that

That’s precisely eight lines long, of course.

Some days you will stress and struggle;

Some days you’ll complain and whine.

Today I smiled and chose to snuggle

A ginger angel, mine all mine.

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Bird of Paradise

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier

If I’d been born as an eel,

But then when a movie takes a shocking turn

I wouldn’t know how to feel…

Then I go on Google to find an animal

That’s happiest, and today I found it:

Introducing the greatest bird ever…

The American Bushtit.

“You named me WHAT?”

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One Animal That Won’t Let You Down

See you later alligator.

In a while crocodile.

Time to vamoose you silly goose.

Sayonara capybara.

All these partings for a beast

Didn’t matter in the least

To the all-knowing, ever-present

“Never gonna give you up” pheasant.

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A Bad Choice Does Not Imply That It’s Alternative Is Good

The tiger is a fancy beast

That thinks of you as Fancy Feast.

If you’re not a fan of dyin’

You should only hug a lion.

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Why Animals Are Better Naked

In the beginning

When Adam and Eve

Decided to hide

Their groins with some leaves

A great cat of Eden

Chose to enhance

Its modest appearance

By wearing some pants.

Were he a cheetah,

A leopard or lion

Their would be no problem

And all would be fine.

Alas, ’twas a puma

Who chose to get dressed

And he said “I puma pants”

And was teased ’til depressed.

And so he went naked

And other beasts did the same

Until that one girl

And the dog-sweaters came…

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When You Could Be Productive, But…

Sometimes I wonder

What life would be like

If chickens went bowling

And cows went on strike,

If dolphins loved hockey

And dogs weren’t adored

And monkeys were funky

And, yes, I’m that bored.

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Weird Pets and the Poet That Jokes About Them

I found a pet I like to rub.

I brought it home and named it club.

Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel

After they learn my pet’s a seal.

——————————————————–

I wanted to buy a unique pet

Like a hedgehog from the store.

I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.

“The boys have one spike more.”

——————————————————–

The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!

“Grab a rifle and go get her!”

I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;

“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”

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That’s Why My Nickname Is “Fish Lips”

My dad has the heart of a lion.

My mom has the heart of a gnu.

Sure, my dad has better taste

But they’re both banned for life from the zoo.

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