In the beginning
When Adam and Eve
Decided to hide
Their groins with some leaves
A great cat of Eden
Chose to enhance
Its modest appearance
By wearing some pants.
Were he a cheetah,
A leopard or lion
Their would be no problem
And all would be fine.
Alas, ’twas a puma
Who chose to get dressed
And he said “I puma pants”
And was teased ’til depressed.
And so he went naked
And other beasts did the same
Until that one girl
And the dog-sweaters came…
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Sometimes I wonder
What life would be like
If chickens went bowling
And cows went on strike,
If dolphins loved hockey
And dogs weren’t adored
And monkeys were funky
And, yes, I’m that bored.
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I found a pet I like to rub.
I brought it home and named it club.
Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel
After they learn my pet’s a seal.
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I wanted to buy a unique pet
Like a hedgehog from the store.
I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.
“The boys have one spike more.”
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The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!
“Grab a rifle and go get her!”
I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;
“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”
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My dad has the heart of a lion.
My mom has the heart of a gnu.
Sure, my dad has better taste
But they’re both banned for life from the zoo.
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Sometimes when I get frustrated
I throw my mouse at the floor.
After I get frustrated
I can’t go to that vet anymore.
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A seahorse is always angry
For that is the seahorse’s curse.
You probably can’t tell that it’s angry
And that just makes the poor thing feel worse.
The things that make seahorses happy
Are skis and the word “Bangalore.”
The next time that you see a seahorse
I hope you can empathize more.
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If I were a flamingo, um…
You wouldn’t be reading this poem.
If I were a beaver
You wouldn’t be reading it either.
If I were a yak
You’d have the last 10 seconds back.
But alas I am a human
So if you want to sue me, you can.
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The animal lovers called it
“A barbaric dog fighting cabal.”
I called it “Well meaning people
“Who haven’t discovered Pokemon Go.”
Take that vegans!
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Why’d the first flamingo think
“I’ll be flightless, awkward, pink?”
How’d the first hippo decide
To be as tall as it was wide?
Why did the first jackass choose
That name as the one to use?
You may wonder, so here’s a clue:
They all wanted to be like you!
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A mermaid’s on my back
And another is in my jaws.
One appreciates my service
And the other sees my flaws.
My coat is warm and fluffy
And made of tiny molars.
I’m a great white horseshark
And my virtues have many extollers.
My mane is made of dreams
And my tail’s made of kelp
And if you could speak underwater
My presence would make you call for help.
I can smell blood from miles away.
I can run and jump and swim
But you prefer me to your boyfriend
‘Cause I understand you better than him.
Let’s go for a ride
And munch on a whale.
Who needs horseshoes
Or a boat to sail?
Yes, we can be friends,
Omnivorous kin.
But if you hate me I don’t mind.
I’ve got very thick skin.
Filed under Poems
