Tag Archives: Animals

Now Mr. Horns Needs Emotional Support Too… Freakin’ East Coast *@%*s

I tried to take my emotional support rhino

On my flight to NYC

But they said I had to buy another seat…

So much for body positivity!

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When I Meet One, We Will Be Soulmates

All the little animals

Of land and sea and air

Sought to find a one true love,

Their one and only pair.

The birds and bees, the cats and dogs,

The frogs and toads were one;

The hare and tortoise, horse and fly

Paired up and all was done.

Alas, when pairing finished

The axolotl was alone

Because instead of socializing

It wrote poems on its phone.

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If I could pick an animal

To switch bodies for a day

I think I’d pick a rattlesnake

Because I’d like to say

I gave the snake a chance to feel

What having limbs is like,

And as a bonus shake my ass

Before I rear and strike!

I’d like to be a rattlesnake

But more importantly

When I get my body back

People’d no longer mess with me.

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A New Nemesis Emerges…

A silver goose on a crystal lake

Locks eyes with me at dawn

And ‘neath the sunrise orange it spake

And pooped upon my lawn.

Silver goose, an anarchist

Would soon my rifle eat…

Though I aimed wide, I will not miss

When next our twain shall meet.

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Is It The Tail?

Horsey horsey, riding in circles,

Pooping and snorting and chewing on grass.

Horsey horsey, tired of people

Comparing each other to your lovely ass.

Horsey horsey, with shoes made of metal,

Hair on your neck, your face, and your butt.

For some reason women all seem to love you

You’ve something I don’t, but I can’t think of what…

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Her Heroes?

My lady likes a hairy man

Who eats his food straight from a can,

Walks silently around the house

And saved her from a wild mouse.

Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.

Around him she lets down her guard.

He can snuggle up at night

And make the whole world feel alright.

She likes the feeling of his tongue,

Not worried he’s no longer young.

The only worry I have is that

Is this guy me, or is it her cat?

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Remember When I Was A Bachelor And Wrote Funny, Cynical Stuff? Yeah… About That…

I took a nap and pet a cat

And read a book and brushed a horse

And now I write a poem about that

That’s precisely eight lines long, of course.

Some days you will stress and struggle;

Some days you’ll complain and whine.

Today I smiled and chose to snuggle

A ginger angel, mine all mine.

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Bird of Paradise

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier

If I’d been born as an eel,

But then when a movie takes a shocking turn

I wouldn’t know how to feel…

Then I go on Google to find an animal

That’s happiest, and today I found it:

Introducing the greatest bird ever…

The American Bushtit.

“You named me WHAT?”

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One Animal That Won’t Let You Down

See you later alligator.

In a while crocodile.

Time to vamoose you silly goose.

Sayonara capybara.

All these partings for a beast

Didn’t matter in the least

To the all-knowing, ever-present

“Never gonna give you up” pheasant.

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A Bad Choice Does Not Imply That It’s Alternative Is Good

The tiger is a fancy beast

That thinks of you as Fancy Feast.

If you’re not a fan of dyin’

You should only hug a lion.

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