My Last Words As An Employed Relationship Counselor

“Every single woman

Who is single seems to be

Either fat, a slut, a robot,

Or living far away from me.

I may be exaggerating,

My standards set too high,

But I’m getting sick of looking

And I cannot tell a lie.”


Hear ye, frustrated seeker

Of a love that doesn’t suck:

Your whining has been heard

And it turns out you’re in luck!

A new app’s been developed

You can download on your phone

That can take your DNA

And produce your romantic clone.

“Responder to my whining…

The problem is, you see,

That my standards are so high

That I’m not good enough for me.”

Whiny loveless seeker…

The nail’s head’s been hit.

If you’re sure no one will ever be

A truly perfect fit

Then go and buy a puppy

Or a dolphin or a snake

So your next of kin gets something

After you drown yourself in a lake.

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