Her eyes were blue as Crater Lake,
Her breasts were like Mount Hood.
Her hair fell like Multnomah Falls
And all these things were good.
I held her hand and felt as big
And strong as Haystack Rock
Until my wife came home that night
And smacked me with her cock.
Filed under Poems
My wife stole 5,280 feet
On our honeymoon cruise down the Nile.
But that’s really ok,
‘Cause you know what they say:
Give her an inch and she’ll take a mile.
Filed under Poems
Your presence is like ice cream
Eaten with a wooden spoon
While a puppy sits upon my lap
Some Sunday afternoon.
Your voice is like a raindrop
After seven years of drought.
I’m acting like a macho dude
For fear that you’ll find out.
Filed under Poems
When a man has nothing to say
He waits in silence for the silence to end.
When a girl I like has nothing to say
She says “That’s so nice, but I have a boyfriend.”
Filed under Poems
I dream of a Utopia
Where no one eats for free,
Where no elected shadow
Dictates how I must be me,
A place I can be lonely
When I don’t want to fight.
Utopia, I know you’re there
Smiling, out of sight.
I’m homesick for Utopia,
Where death is commonplace,
Where value lies within the heart
Instead of on the face,
A world of small discomforts
That all will know and love
And one where there’s no safety net
Or eyes from up above.
The void between Utopia
And where I’m standing now
Is only empty space to cross,
And so I take a vow
To walk beyond the cliff I see,
To fall, or else to fly.
My body may not make it;
That’s how I know it’s worth a try.
Filed under Poems
There lived a man who wished to die,
With lips malformed so when he’d sigh
The anguish that emerged was like
The first sunrise of Spring.
The humans that he’d never known
Had from all places to him flown
With no intent to comfort him
But just to hear him sing.
The singer sang, the cryer cried
To oceans deep and mountains wide
And every human listener thought
The singer read their mind.
The speaker spoke, the moaner moaned.
His sorrows said, his hopes intoned
Leaving unspoken just enough,
Ensuring seekers find.
He screamed at them in loneliness:
A girl in far too short a dress
Confused by why she couldn’t find
A man who’d stay ’til morning
And, to the men who eyed her, said
To see her heart before her bed
But all they heard were pretty words
And not the singer’s warning.
He sang to those who owned the gold,
The young who’d never gotten old,
The old who’d never been a child,
To those without a penny.
His sharing was his means to cope.
His medicine was spreading hope
Perhaps to you, the listening few
Among the mindless many.
The living listened as he cried,
He sang also to those who died,
A song for all who made mistakes
And sought to change their fate.
Some say that Satan turned to hear
And even shed a single tear.
Although the angel fell from grace
His wings might still bear weight.
No one asked the singer’s name.
To his wake no listeners came
For clouds above were pearly white
And sky above was blue.
Thus did the singer move along.
No longer needed was his song.
The singer lives forever
Even though his wish came true.
Ask any man “Would you marry?”
And the man will most-likely say “Sure.”
He’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
To announce his commitment to her.
Ask any girl “Would you marry?”
And she’ll smile and say “Yes” with glee.
“And he’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
“To announce his commitment to me!”
