I think zombies are romantic
And want to woo each other
With a dinner and a movie
Before they meet their partner’s mother
But the zombies get so busy
With the “having dinner part”
That they never get to see a piece
Of cinematic art.
If we give a discount
To the undead, I suspect
There will be a sharp decrease
In the number of lives they wrecked.
We need to get our zombies
To fulfill their hearts’ desires
So welcome them with open arms
Instead of killing them with fires.
Filed under Poems
You know what would be really good
To see come out of Hollywood?
How ‘bout a film where a zombie guy
Sees a zombie gal that catches his eye.
They fall in love, they thrust and moan,
They buy a house without a loan,
And then the local HOA
Tells the two to move away.
Then the zombie couple fights
For many days and many nights
Wave after wave of humans who
Care only for their home’s value.
And after all is said and done
The humans die, the zombies won,
They adopt the human kids as equals
And thus ensure a lot of sequels.
It’s a wholesome tale of why
One’s choice to not completely die
Does not invalidate one’s worth…
Stars Emma Stone and Colin Firth.
Filed under Poems
I asked this girl that I just met
“What things make you feel upset?”
She said, “When I need to cry
“But alligators attack me from the sky.”
Then, like kind girls tend to do,
She asked “That’s me… how ’bout you?”
“Mostly milk, but also a falling gator.”
Then we agreed to marry later.
Filed under Poems
I’m not afraid to make it known
I want this more than you.
I want to find a partner
Who is loyal, kind, and true.
I only want to have one talk,
A talk that never ends,
And to be more than lovers:
To be two forever friends.
I want you to have my kids,
To raise, protect, and feed.
I want to be your every want
And fill your every need.
I want to text you memes at night,
House hunt with you on Zillow,
And when we are a world apart
To smell you on my pillow.
Tonight and every night from now
I’ll wish upon a star
And ask whatever gods may be
To show me who you are.
Until the stars or gods or fate
Fulfill this wish of mine
I’ll work to be the man you want
To call “Forever Mine.”
Filed under Poems
When the day is over
And the lights go dark
You pull me on top of you
And let me be soft,
Let me keep you warm
Until blindness is comfortable
And dreams are safe.
When the monsters come
To feed on your sweet dreams
Through the leg you left uncovered
I offer my dream instead,
Because your dreams are precious,
Your dreams are limited,
Your dreams are fragile.
I only have one dream:
To keep you warm,
To keep you safe,
To never leave you,
And no monster can stomach that.
And when the light in the sky
And the light on your ceiling
Edge away the darkness
And welcome you back to life
I’m the first thing you feel,
The first gentle touch,
The first good morning kiss.
You think you’ll outgrow me.
You’ll pack me away
Or send me to another child,
But I only have one baby.
And when the monsters grow up
And they come for your dreams
But you’re awake and alone
You will never be uncovered.
The monsters never give up,
But I never stop dreaming,
And I hope you don’t either.
I’m here in everything.
I’m keeping you safe,
But you’ll never see me
As anything more than a blanket
Because it’s easy to believe in a blanket.
Filed under Poems
If marriage were like football
There would be no single men.
Every year they’d scout for wives
And draft a girl or ten
Then sign them to a contract
For a couple wondrous years
And give them shirts with numbers
And use them to sell beers.
We’d all have favorite teams of wives
Like the Ashleys or the Sophies
Who live in different cities
And try to win us trophies,
And when the best turn 40
(Or sometimes just 34)
We’d trade them off to other teams
And draft a dozen more.
If marriage were like football
Maybe life would be ok,
But instead it seems to be more like
The WNBA.
Filed under Poems
I said “Hi.”
She said “Hello.”
I said “Don’t use big words like that.”
Now I am her beau.
Filed under Poems
While I was making sweet, sweet love
To my canoe, I thought:
“Just because your love’s forbidden
“Doesn’t mean it’s hot.”
Filed under Poems
The longest month of springtime,
A ball that helps you see,
A band with too much makeup,
And a goat we named “Marie.”
I meant to be romantic
But she had no clue
That I was simply asking
“May I kiss you?”
📆👁🐼🎵🐐?
Filed under Poems
