Tag Archives: Love

I Must Join Her, Salient Rhymes Be Damned!

There once was a beautiful woman

Who was my most favoritest human.

She needed to shower

And late was the hour

So I must do what I must be doin’.

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Seriously, His Timing Was Impeccable

There once was a beloved cat

Who thought it appropriate that

In a moment of passion

It would be in fashion

To smother my face with its fat.

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Betting On A Diamond

You couldn’t love a gambling man,

A pal who plays the odds,

Who shakes the dice and throws a wrench

In the plans of man and Gods.

You said you’d never take a chance

On a poker-faced son

But I’d bet if you took a chance

You’d find me pretty fun.

You used to ace your math exams.

You were the queen of school

But the odds weren’t in your favor

With Jack, the king of cool.

Jack would have told you “yes, of course”

If you asked him to dance

But no-go there! You didn’t dare

To take this simple chance.

So Jack’s bad luck’s my inside straight

So let me take the shot:

If you give me your hand of fate

You may just win a lot.

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She Said Yes!

There once was a poet who asked

“Girlfriend, with marrying me will you be tasked?”

She said “Yes, ‘cause you’re weird

“And have a sexy beard.”

Then in congratulations we basked.

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Why People Are Getting Married Less Nowadays

Glorious, glamorous, glandular, gassy,

Serious, spurious, sanctified, sassy,

Furious, fabulous, fortified, fun:

If they match all these adjectives, you’ve found the one!

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Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message

Pixie dust and fairy farts,

Princess hair and fey Walmarts:

Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.

The others are movies that Disney just did.

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That Went Whale…

There once was a lovely young seal

Who captured my sea-mammal heart.

She had an adorable squeal

That made all my fantasies start.

I asked her to go for a drink with me

At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.

But I scared her away. I’d forgotten

That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.

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Yes, I Stayed Home And Ate Ice Cream Tonight… Why Do You Ask?

I love you like a cat loves a laser

Or a box or a chair or a lap

Or a keyboard, a pillow, in front of the door,

Or wherever else it takes a nap.

I love you like a cat loves to poop

And the bury its crap in the sand,

And its talking like this that makes men like me

In relentless romantic demand.

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When I Meet One, We Will Be Soulmates

All the little animals

Of land and sea and air

Sought to find a one true love,

Their one and only pair.

The birds and bees, the cats and dogs,

The frogs and toads were one;

The hare and tortoise, horse and fly

Paired up and all was done.

Alas, when pairing finished

The axolotl was alone

Because instead of socializing

It wrote poems on its phone.

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Man’s Real Best Friend

Everyone needs a big fluffy blanket

That smiles when you hug it or throw it or yank it;

It can soothe pain and dry off your tears

And it does so for free over hundreds of years.

When Summer is hot and you lie on the grass

It holds all your food and keeps bugs off your ass.

When Winter is cold and the sky is all gray

The blanket will escort the darkness away.

A blanket can act as a robe in a bind

And a tangle of blankets can help you unwind.

Yes, everyone needs a big fluffy blanket

So next time you see one, remember to thank it.

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