All the little animals
Of land and sea and air
Sought to find a one true love,
Their one and only pair.
The birds and bees, the cats and dogs,
The frogs and toads were one;
The hare and tortoise, horse and fly
Paired up and all was done.
Alas, when pairing finished
The axolotl was alone
Because instead of socializing
It wrote poems on its phone.
Filed under Poems
Everyone needs a big fluffy blanket
That smiles when you hug it or throw it or yank it;
It can soothe pain and dry off your tears
And it does so for free over hundreds of years.
When Summer is hot and you lie on the grass
It holds all your food and keeps bugs off your ass.
When Winter is cold and the sky is all gray
The blanket will escort the darkness away.
A blanket can act as a robe in a bind
And a tangle of blankets can help you unwind.
Yes, everyone needs a big fluffy blanket
So next time you see one, remember to thank it.
Filed under Poems
My girl was trying to write
A poem for me tonight
She tried rhyming “dominion”
With “In my girls arms”
And that’s when we started the fight.
She requested I write her original poem
So here it is, verbatim:
“The Happiest Place On Earth”
Some may call it Disneyland
But we did not meet a bug.
Others call it Ikea,
Though we came home with a rug.
In my own opinion
The happiest dominion
Is that the happiest place on earth
Is in my girl’s arms.
Filed under Poems
He had wavy golden locks
That fell upon her shoulders
As he held her close with one arm
While the other parried boulders.
Behind them, a volcano
Spat hellfire in the air
But the hottest thing nearby was still
His chest, sweaty and bare.
An earthquake shook the lovers.
A tsunami got them wet,
But nature had no fury
To match their passion yet.
Then a tiny spider crawled
Across her silky bosom
Which quickly quelled the ardor
Of the trashy novel twosome.
Filed under Poems
My girl made me a sandwich
And left a little note:
“Sandwich in the fridge. I love you!”
That was all she wrote.
That was all I needed
To get me through the day
And made every struggle, small and large,
Seem perfectly okay.
So when your boyfriend, husband,
Or another man declares
“Go make me a sandwich”
It shows you that he cares
Enough about your love to ask
For what he really needs.
If you want true love to grow
That’s how to sow the seeds.
Filed under Poems
I wanted inspiration
So I asked my girlfriend to tell
Me anything that starts with a”A”.
It didn’t go so well…
“Um… um…” my girlfriend mumbled
As I asked again, “What starts with A?”
Finally she said, slightly annoyed
“Anchovie.” Then she said “Okay.”
I asked her to say literally anything
And she replied again “Hm.”
Then she pretended she didn’t hear the question
And said “David! David! Bum.”
It didn’t make for a masterpiece
But she inspired this poem you’re reading.
Now I’ll let you get back to your life
And let mom get back to her beading.
Filed under Poems
I love myself. I’m awesome.
I do, myself, amaze.
I really am incredible
In oh so many ways.
That’s why I decided
To buy myself a ring
And propose to myself romantically
While the doves of morning sing.
Alas, I’m so amazing
That I’m too good for me
So I turned down the proposal
And sobbed and said “Hehe.”
I am all distraught, and yet
I’m strong of will and mettle
Knowing that I’m great enough
To never, ever settle.
Filed under Poems
Textured washcloth in a pastel color,
I love how my skin you exfoliate.
You make my oily skin look so duller;
For your great glory, I extoll ye, mate!
When I am lonely and in a great need
Of very crude and masculine release
I need no manual to for to read
To help you bring me to a restful peace.
You cost so little, less than fifty cents
And you loyally last my whole life long;
Textured pastel washcloth, I ask you whence
Did you become so grand, forever strong?
You are more than just a cheap toiletry;
You, my washcloth, are the best part of me!
Filed under Poems
Hey girl! Are you a sitting duck
Or you the broadside of a barn
Or another easy-target such-and-such?
You’re amazing and you’re super
And I feel like a storm trooper
‘Cause it’s crazy, missing you this much.
Filed under Poems
At wee early hour on the hills by my home
I’d knock on your door, heart a burning
To dance there with you
And the golden morning dew,
Giving thanks that the world keeps a turning.
When sun finally breaks, gold and heavy that morn
And we stride proud below sky a burning
I’ll feel like a king
With the first bud of the Spring
And give thanks that the world keeps a turning.
The sun at it’s apex, a blanket beneath,
And two lovers for picnic are yearning.
Her hair smooth as silk
They drink honey and the milk
In the garden of Earth, still a turning.
As years turn to lifetimes and bodies to dust
The couple does not cease their learning.
They lie, cold and still
And the two become the hill,
Still part of the world ever turning.
Remember the sunshine. Remember the lifetime.
Remember the sweet butter churning.
Remember the dawn
For someday the Earth will yawn
And together we’ll rest from the turning.
The Daily Travesty 