Tag Archives: Advice

Encourage Someone To Be A Wasp Or A Jellyfish… It Just Makes Sense

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”

Is just a longer way to say

“Be like a bee.” Butterflies suck.

Also, bees die when they sting, so ok…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Learn to be Successful with these 3 Simple Tricks

How to be Successful

When I was a young lad of about three hours younger than I am as I write this, I dreamed of becoming the Tetris World Champion. Shortly thereafter I realized I was bad at Tetris, didn’t really like Tetris, and was already very good at being a broke, shut-in virgin who writes poetry for a living.

In less than a day, I accomplished more than many people do in their entire lifetimes: I gave up on a stupid idea and moved on. That being accomplished, I realized my true calling is writing self-help essays for a few dozen people on the internet who think I’m occasionally funny (and my parents).

The text you are reading at the moment has been written, stared at, erased, rewritten, sneered at, re-erased, and so on many times, so I’ll just get to the point:

The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.

Read it again, but in bold:

The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.

Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean:

Say you’ve just had a long day. You’re tired, hungry, cranky, possibly sweaty, and definitely just want to go home, eat empty calories, and masturbate while you watch true crime shows. As you’re walking down the street, you come upon a person who is standing neutrally and doing nothing in particular. This is a person with plentiful free time, a lack of unattractive blemishes, seemingly-effortless nonchalance, and you hate them.

Imagine now the same scenario, but the person you see is fat, ugly, extremely rich, and kissing your significant other on the hood of your car (which has been destroyed in a freak forklift accident while you were blinking). You hate this person too, and will likely be physically or verbally aggressive toward them. The nondescript person nearby has not even drawn your notice, and has thus been upgraded from an object of hatred and derision to a not-unpleasant bit of scenery.

The nondescript person has achieved tremendous success not through their action, struggle, inherent virtue, divine mandate, or any other exclusive or difficult condition. They achieved it by being less bad (and therefor marginally better) at something common (existing) than someone else.

Alas, we are not often so fortunate as to be constantly in the presence of public displays of romantic infidelity and simultaneous realization of property damage when faced with unpleasant people in our lives. To compensate, I suggest any of the following tactics.

Tactic 1: Hang out in unpleasant places.

Most people like to be happy and comfortable. Most people, while in unpleasant places, are not happy and comfortable, and thus will leave. That said, there are enough people who hang out in unpleasant places with such frequency and consistency that these places garner a reputation for being unpleasant.

Imagine then that you, being one to frequent these nasty niches of the world, invite a friend (or just happen to encounter someone, for those of you with no friends) to join you in your unpleasant meeting place of choice. Your hypothetical acquaintance joins you (likely a person of poor taste, given you’re still reading this), and would normally be inclined to think of you as a person of poor taste. Then they see a mostly-nondescript-but-slightly-unpleasant-in-a-”can’t-put-my-finger-on-it”-sort-of-way person violently assault a second party who was displaying amorous inclinations on an abandoned vehicle. Your hypothetical acquaintance suggests you find a new place to meet, you agree, and you are no longer considered a person with questionable tastes. In fact, you are someone agreeable with whom your hypothetical acquaintance shares something in common.

Tactic 2: Shut Up

If someone is talking, they are having a good time. Sane people speak when people are present, and generally to engage with another person (creating a pleasant atmosphere) or break an awkward silence (avoiding discomfort). If you are talking, other (sane) people are not, unless you are arguing, in which case your fellow arguer likely does not think of you in a good light. If you are silent, someone else will almost certainly begin to talk, which makes them happy. If you continue to be silent, a third party will probably speak. Now you are part of a conversation between happy people who (being sane) will immediately recognize you as the root cause of their happiness and shower you with praise (to which you should not respond, obviously).

Tactic 3: Read bad poetry, and encourage others to do the same

Let’s assume things that are good are good, things that are bad are not, and things that are neutral can sometimes cause irrational rage if not accompanied by gratuitous sexuality and automobile wreckage.

All in agreement? Good!

Given our assumptions, reading bad poetry will make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, which will make otherwise insignificant things that might otherwise cause you stress to be ignored. You’re used a pawn to capture a rook, so to speak.

Now, having eliminated many minor stresses for one large, rhyming one, you share some of these bad poems with a friend (or hypothetical randomly-encountered individual). That individual, if sane, will think you a person of poor taste, and never contact you again. After several repetitions of these events, you will be entirely alone, therefore eliminating most reasons for talking. When you don’t talk, you will by necessity shut up. When you shut up, people will like you. When people like you, you can invite them to join you in unpleasant places.

Need I say more?

In conclusion (as University has taught me I must declare before ending an essay), being successful can be achieved quite easily through a few counter-intuitive tactics. Any lack of success on your part can be eliminated by being less happy, less comfortable, and spending more time and money consuming bad poetry. If all else fails, make friends with people in troubled relationships and buy (or steal) a forklift.

Leave a comment

Filed under To the Reader

From One Fool To Another

Throughout history there are many stories of comedians, often called “Fools,” who wielded great political influence. These fools were gifted with a rare ability to communicate with idiots, which is why they were so often employed by politicians and autocrats.

Today I write not a poem, but a vague shout into the void. My hope is that, like the fools of old, an idiot will hear it and reconsider their position, if only for an instant; An instant is all gravity needs to move mountains.

A few days ago, two men experienced the worst days of their lives. George Floyd was executed without trial for the crime of cooperating with the police. Derek Chauvin, the executioner, was sentenced to the loss of ignorance and the knowledge of his own corruption.

For several days, numerous greater crimes were committed by those who deserved, but were not blessed with, Chauvin’s fate. These people gathered in cities across the nation to combat violence with violence, to protest an injustice against their neighbor by committing injustices against their neighbors.

I now write as an eager fool a few ideas I’ve pored over for all of 15 minutes in the shower, but consider to be true. If you share these ideals, share this message, that one fool shall join another (a phenomenon we’ve recently witnessed to be incredibly powerful). If you don’t, you have the opportunity to rid this fool of his foolish notions through the unlimited power of anonymous internet commenting.

My ideas are these:

A warrior’s enemy is not an opposing warrior, because their purpose is to create conflict. The warrior’s enemy is the peacemaker.

Hate of one thing does not fear hate of another, because their goals intertwine. Hate fears forgiveness.

A tragedy occurred because of heightened emotion, lack of empathy, abuse of power, and a failure to listen. Let us be the calm, empathetic, powerless listeners that tragedy fears.

You won’t have the satisfaction of feeling outraged. You won’t know the euphoria of feeling right. You won’t be noticed, acknowledged, interviewed, or appreciated…

It’s worth it.

Leave a comment

Filed under To the Reader

Prudent Advice Too Often Overlooked By Those Committing Revisionist-History Infanticide

If you went back in time

To kill Hitler as a baby

You probably should consider

That someone else just maybe

Might go back in time again

This time to kill you

‘Cause you’re a time-traveling baby killer

As far as they knew.

That’s why if you ever

Change history somehow

By traveling to the past

To influence the now

I think it’s important

To leave a detailed letter

Explaining how killing babies

Can make the world better.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Bad Parental Advice

I did something stupid.

They asked “why did you?

“If your parents where lemmings

Would you be one too?”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Don’t Piss Off A Nurse

If one’s life relies upon

The lungs of an automaton

Prudence dictates to be couth

With the medical attendant youth.

Everything can be made worse

When dealing with a jilted nurse

So to those on life support:

Life’s long unless your temper’s short.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

How To Fail Less

If at first you don’t succeed

Find out who has made it so

Then stab that person ’til they bleed

And on to victory you’ll go.

This strategy has proven good

Historically for folks who are male

But wait! Do it not you should

If you cause yourself to fail.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

51% And Growing

What if, with perfect certainty, you knew how to be good. You

Would have no ills or evils. With this great power would you

Live your life accordingly, an angel we’d admire,

Or is flawless, certain perfection a goal to which you’d not aspire?

Now if perfection weren’t certain and ’twas painful to act well

Would you trade your Earthly pleasure for 50/50 odds of Hell?

Would you suffer every moment if it might bring future joy

Or would you say “be happy now” and make pleasure your toy?

The point that I am making is in our uncertain years

Where our good or evil instincts are affected by our fears

That we might be a villain who believes that we are just

Or perhaps a clumsy angel whose good intent is all a bust.

If you’d be truly evil or would be extremely good

Then here’s a course of action that to take I think you should:

To seek a path of certainty. Through thinking you will find

More often the results you seek are those which you will find

And if another does you wrong seek not to cast your blame

But know that if you thought like him you’d probably do the same.

Hero, villain, victim are alike a future you

So why not think and weight the coin that judges all we do?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

Ye Olde Goode Advice

If at first you don’t succeed

Run away with all due speed

For though thine courage shan’t be praised

From the dead thou needn’t be raised.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Sorry Salespeople…

No, I don’t want to be famous,

Don’t want to have power or wealth.

I don’t even want to be happy

Or have peace of mind or my health.

I don’t want a house or a garden,

Two kids and a white picket fence.

I’d give up all these and my brainstem

Just to not hear your two-cents!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems