If I Had A Lot Of Money

If I had a lot of money

I would make the world a little more funny.

If I had a lot of money

I would create scholarships

For “liberal studies” majors,

Because the world needs more jokes.

If I had a lot of money

I would buy a TV station

And have it play “Groundhog Day”

On repeat forever, because irony.

If I had a lot of money

I would buy all the yachts

And rename them after penis puns

Then sell them back to their original owners,

But only the ones who didn’t laugh

Because rich people who don’t laugh at penis puns

Are the reasons I write poems like this in the first place.

If I had a lot of money

I would apologize to the liberal studies majors

But only because I prefer a leafless pool.

If I had a lot of money

I would eat really well,

But never what was on the menu

And always something with lots of cinnamon

Because cinnamon farming is hard work

And those guys deserve support,

But also because I really like cinnamon.

If I had a lot of money

I would defund the space program

And put that money into teleportation research

Because seriously people, priorities!

If I had a lot of money

I would roll in my money,

But only the paper bills

And only once,

And whenever I paid people with that money

I would look sheepish

Because my paper money was all wrinkled

And because I’m a nice guy

Despite having a lot of money

And because I kind of look like a sheep.

If I had a lot of money

It would be because people bought my books.

Just sayin’.

If I had a lot of money

I wouldn’t have a fancy car

Because women already like me plenty

And to show my support for teleportation research.

If I had a lot of money

I would have a dog named cinnamon

And a yacht named “Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the D.”

If I had a lot of money

I would have so much money

That money could buy me love.

I’d buy love for all the people I’ve hurt

With my poetry these last few years

And for the liberal studies majors

Who aren’t going to find it any other way.

If I had a lot of money

I would be very rich.

Until then, I’m voting Bernie Sanders.

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