It’s been 6 months since Trump got out
And despite the recent talks
Of hyperinflation, unemployment,
A border crisis, plunging stocks,
A gas pipeline disaster,
Covid deaths yet unabated,
And all the buildings burnt to ash
By those who “demonstrated”
We can all be thankful
That our country’s back on track.
In other news: Pot charged with hate speech
For calling Kettle black.
There was a, um, a a a flower?
And it has, you know, plants,
And some are yellow and some are blue
But that doesn’t change that they’re green
On their, um, stalks or stems or something.
And when I smell them
Wait, they said don’t say smelling…
Flowers are green and and and thank you good morning!
Is when white people
Protest against white people
For being white.
Almost two weeks have passed
Since the “King of the Jews”
Awoke from the dead after three days
And made international news.
After promising forgiveness
Of all humans and departing,
Mumblings of discontent
From sinners have been starting.
“I wanted to retire
“Somewhere warm,” one sinner said,
“But now I have to worry
“About grace and s**t instead.”
“I’m pissed about redemption,”
Another man commented.
“What about my right to be
In fact it seems that since the day
That Jesus pulled a “Nope”
And ascended into Heaven
To give the humans hope
Everyone’s been angry.
“I’m upset,” one human mused.
Tomorrow: “Why all the good men suck”
Right here on Nightly News.
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You know those tests they give you
That tell your dream career?
There’s been an innovation
In those tests, or so I hear.
They’ve found 80 percent or more
Of testers’ perfect jobs
Are members of unthinking
And mostly peaceful violent mobs.
I didn’t think about it much
When first I heard the news,
But when I took the test myself
I had to change my views.
I scored, not as a rioter,
But a guy who owns a store
That sells lightweight TVs and food
In downtown Baltimore.
Honestly, the most American sport
That no one’s thought of yet
Would have to be drunk NASCAR
(Or its equivalent)
Where the racers have to drink
A bunch if whiskey sours
Until they cannot walk, and then
Turn left for several hours.
It’s a last-man-standing race
That proves, HD and live,
That it is not a good idea
For one to drink and drive,
And yet some kids will spend their lives
Trying to be a pro.
Years later, in Utopia,
We’ll ask, “Where’d the dummies go?”
A growing social concern
That, to us, recently came
And affects the common person
Is Inequality of Fame.
Some folks are very famous
And some people are not
And it’s patently unfair
And it ain’t how it ought.
I suggest a policy
Wherein all people must
Create a social profile
With a media giant we trust
And exactly one trillion people
And never more or less
Must follow every profile
So society won’t regress.
If everybody’s famous
We’ll have perfect mental health.
Then maybe a trillion dollar minimum wage
Can do the same for wealth!
Update: It’s come to this poet’s attention that white, heterosexual, natal-males still exist, so this probably won’t happen for a while.
Easter is the day a rabbit brings
Chocolate, eggs, and other things
To all the children with rich parents
And even to the folks named Clarence.
The bunny is a major hit
Among the kids for bringing shit.
They do not know it’s master plan…
The pigs do, and they’re not a fan.
If ever there were a day
To say Joe Biden died
And Kamala was the pres now
And would be preside with pride
Just to test the public
To see how they react
It would be April 1st I guess.
Abloo scaree kerack.
If I ever have a baby
With the person I call “Honey,”
I will name it “In the Headlights”
‘Cause when we sing “Happy Birthday” it’ll be funny.