Tag Archives: America

Now Mr. Horns Needs Emotional Support Too… Freakin’ East Coast *@%*s

I tried to take my emotional support rhino

On my flight to NYC

But they said I had to buy another seat…

So much for body positivity!

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Yeah… So Much For “Anything Can Happen”

There once were eight teams

With ambitions and dreams

Of competing for Super Bowl glory.

The boring teams won

And we didn’t have fun

And that’s today’s NFL story.

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Ask Me About My School Lunch Policy

If I had a peanut

For every time I had a dark thought

There we be fewer kids with allergies

And crematoriums would profit a lot.

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Talk About Stuck In A Lousy Job!

You think because you aren’t paid well

And work a lot of hours

Doing work you don’t enjoy

And your outlook on life sours

That means you have a lousy job?

Your misery sorely pales

To the job of being the fish they feed

To the SeaWorld killer whales.

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Forget Centaurs…

I asked my friend “If you could mix

“Any two animals, what would you choose?”

He said “The body of a human

“And the spirit of a goose.”

At first I thought him silly,

Maybe even a little dumb,

But now I think he’s a wizard

And I know where Californian drivers come from.

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New Year, New Ads

A week ago every TV ad

Showed deals on toys and tech.

Now the ads show deals

On food and weight loss. What the heck?

Oh, yeah! Because the year went up

It’s time to be a better you

And thanks to marketing execs

We’ll know just what to do:

Throw money at the products

That say you’ll have more time,

A slimmer waist and better feet

And less suburban crime.

You’ll save a baby elephant

If you buy our fancy knife

And thanks to free shipping (if you buy NOW)

You’ll live a better life.

I, for one, am grateful

To view these free educational shows.

Now excuse me while I lose some weight

And my magically regrows.

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Music and Lyrics

I heard some kids sing “Old McDonald”

Singing “With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,

“Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.”

Then I turned on the radio

And heard a 41-year-old sing

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.”

Children deserve more respect.

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IRS? More Like IQ-0

There once was a federal agency

Who knew how much taxes you owed, you see,

But when you didn’t pay enough

‘Cause math is hard and stuff

They need a whole department to audit ye?

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But Seriously, Who Doesn’t Want To Do This At Least Once?

I think people would be happier

If once a day, for free,

They could take an eighteen-wheeler

Packed with TNT

And have a robot drive it

Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum

But that’s very illegal

‘Cause the government is dumb.

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Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message

Pixie dust and fairy farts,

Princess hair and fey Walmarts:

Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.

The others are movies that Disney just did.

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