Tag Archives: America

Doublespeak (Or How I Learned To Stop Talking And Accept That I’m Wrong)

“Awesome” means “Good” now.

“Good” now means “Fair”.

“Okay” means “I’m lousy”.

“Lousy” means “In Despair”.

“Gold plans“ are baseline;

“Platinum” is normal.

Shirts are for business

And blue jeans are formal.

“Nothing” means “Something”

And “Yes” can mean “No”

But y’all still jump to conclusions

When I said “She’s a hoe.”

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In Other News, The Pipe Organ Will Be Renamed “The Vapiano”

Today at the store

I saw advertised

“Raspberry oranges”

Which I soon surmised

Were simply blood oranges

Rebranded so they

Would not offend those

Whose balls went away.

Now as days get longer

And evenings get hotter

I give thanks that raspberries

Are thicker than water.

If I buy some candy

With a blue-raspberry taste

I’ll know royal blood

Has great suffering faced.

I’ll go to church

For the raspberry of Christ.

Instead of blood running cold

I’ll make raspberry ice!

Yes, the pussification

Of America is sweet

‘Til the raspberry of Patriots

Signals final defeat!

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Hope Exists In Odd Places

The fact that football stadiums

Are filled with maskless faces

Who came to watch a bunch of men

Of many faiths and races

Hit each other for a ball

While chanting “Let’s Go Brandon”

Makes me think the world’s too good

To suddenly abandon.

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Because #Inclusion (Subverting Sexist Expectations Or Something?)

I always wanted a grandkid

With whom I could spend days

Holding, feeding, talking, reading,

And bonding in other ways.

When I got the call that said

“I’m pregnant,” I felt joy.

All that could make it better was if

The pregnant one was my little boy.

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Alpha, Delta, Omicron…

A kid with jelly on his hands

Picked up a DVD

And put it in to watch a film

On their big screen TV,

But yet alas, the dirty disc

Got stuck around halfway

And it repeated the same old scene

Even when they pressed “play.”

Then finally they’d had enough

And said “I’ve had enough,”

Pulled out the disk and wiped it off

Then did some other stuff.

A five-year old can figure out

When something isn’t right

To make a new plan without delay

And still have fun that night.

And yet the leaders we voted for

Have yet to grasp this thought,;

Instead they say “shots didn’t work…

“How ‘bout another shot?”

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Thanks New World Order!

This year they started teaching kids

As young as five-years-old

That gender is whatever you choose

And not just what you’re told.

To celebrate this progress

In sex-ed for the prepubescent

I thought of a list of titles

For children’s books in this age present:

“Everybody Fucks,” for one;

Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;

“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;

Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.

“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;

“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;

And a favorite of drag queen story hour:

“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”

Maybe you don’t feel comfortable

Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?

Don’t worry! For kids who are too young

We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!

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And The School Board Patted Themselves On The Back And Said “We Made World Peace”

I was being bullied

And kids called me gay.

I said, “Actually I identify as a non-binary person”

And the kids said, “Oh cool! Then you’re ok.”

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Fauced Up Man…

There’s a guy in a political alliance

Who’s rightfully earned our defiance.

Instead of giving puppies hugs

He had them eaten alive by bugs

And yet you still say “Trust the science”?

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A New Study Finds All This Began In 1960 When A Straight White Man Refused To Get Vaccinated

The average guy is a virgin.

The average girl is a hoe.

You can get a college degree

To combat toxic masculinity…

How’d we get here? I don’t know.

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The Quickest Of Ego Boosts

If you’re feeling blue

Because Summer turned to Fall

Just change your name to Brandon

And learn to love football.

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