Tag Archives: America

Why I Love Football

This month we will experience

The NFL’s preseason

In which millionaires hit each other

Deapite the lack of any reason,

And we the fans will cheer

To kick our team’s rival’s posterior

Because we can’t play ourselves

Since we’re genetically inferior.

We’ll sit and eat and fart a bit

And somehow manage to sweat.

At the end half of us will sob

While half say “best preseason yet!”

Then we picture our team’s victory

And order larger pants

With the logo of some other team

That actually has a chance.

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Dear Internet: Why The Exception?

You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,

Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.

You can’t make jokes about a race

(At least not to somebody’s face).

You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock

The way one laughs or thinks or talks.

But you can defame or spew hate at

Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.

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Logic, American Dream Style

Monday through Friday

My heart’s only dread

Is that midmorning song

That says “get out of bed.”

Yet come days of Satur

And as well days of Sun

My heart sings in the morning

‘Til the day is all done.

For when clocks of alarm

Cracks serenity’s hold

And says “put on your clothes

“And go do what you’re told”

My vigor and pep

Aren’t what they used to be

Like when I was a child

And still blissfully free.

When instead of alarms

To the sun I awaken

And instead of my job

I get pancakes and bacon

My bliss flows more freely

And I feel stronger.

From now on I’ll work weekends

And be miserable longer.

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USA, November 2016

Roses are reds,

Violets are blue,

These are both valid points, and I’ll address them in a moment, but first…

But does anyone stop to comfort the violets in their sorrow? Even once?

No!

You know, depression is a chemical imbalance and has many dangerous side effects. But when it becomes a part of ones identity, as it has for the violets, it transcends its mortal debilitation and becomes a blight on the very soul.

When I’m elected, I’m going to make violets purple again! And not by adding rose colored glasses, no. Not by that. Who needs all the thorns roses bring anyway? No, I dream of a garden where honest, hardworking violets can grow bigly without the radical redness of roses!

In other words, f*** you roses.

Let’s Get Pruning ™

This poem brought to you by Goldman Sachs.

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Getting Out Of Anywhere

I’m driving down the interstate,

The freeway, highway, expressway.

I see folks who don’t want to wait,

Folks who sin, folks who pray.

I see lines of cement, concrete

Cutting green and yellow squares

Through fields of grass and corn and wheat,

Driving right through anywhere.

I pass by Costco, Sam’s Club, Joe’s,

Past rectangular white houses

Avoiding eye contact from those

Who wear jeans and shoes and blouses.

Then I take exit one-o-eight there

Past the fence the cows broke through

And I say goodbye to anywhere

And say hello again to you.

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New Releases, Same As The Old Releases

The plots of every video game

Turn out to be exactly the same:

An underdog becomes more skilled

Until the villain can be killed.
I created a game of my own

That you can play without a phone

In which a group of Demon Lords

Present you with various rewards.
Some give freedom, some give wealth.

Some guarantee you perfect health.

Some will make the world at peace

Or let you meet the cast of “Grease.”
Your character has just one year

(Minus time for sleeping, work, and beer)

To help your choice of Demon Lord

Get the power to give you your reward.
And after all is said and done

Whichever Demon eventually won

Will not give you what they said.

They’ll do what’s best for them instead.
How many of you think “sounds like fun?”

Oh really? I guess that’s no one…

The name of the game is Election Day.

It’s coming in November to the USA.

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If I Had A Lot Of Money

If I had a lot of money

I would make the world a little more funny.

If I had a lot of money

I would create scholarships

For “liberal studies” majors,

Because the world needs more jokes.

If I had a lot of money

I would buy a TV station

And have it play “Groundhog Day”

On repeat forever, because irony.

If I had a lot of money

I would buy all the yachts

And rename them after penis puns

Then sell them back to their original owners,

But only the ones who didn’t laugh

Because rich people who don’t laugh at penis puns

Are the reasons I write poems like this in the first place.

If I had a lot of money

I would apologize to the liberal studies majors

But only because I prefer a leafless pool.

If I had a lot of money

I would eat really well,

But never what was on the menu

And always something with lots of cinnamon

Because cinnamon farming is hard work

And those guys deserve support,

But also because I really like cinnamon.

If I had a lot of money

I would defund the space program

And put that money into teleportation research

Because seriously people, priorities!

If I had a lot of money

I would roll in my money,

But only the paper bills

And only once,

And whenever I paid people with that money

I would look sheepish

Because my paper money was all wrinkled

And because I’m a nice guy

Despite having a lot of money

And because I kind of look like a sheep.

If I had a lot of money

It would be because people bought my books.

Just sayin’.

If I had a lot of money

I wouldn’t have a fancy car

Because women already like me plenty

And to show my support for teleportation research.

If I had a lot of money

I would have a dog named cinnamon

And a yacht named “Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the D.”

If I had a lot of money

I would have so much money

That money could buy me love.

I’d buy love for all the people I’ve hurt

With my poetry these last few years

And for the liberal studies majors

Who aren’t going to find it any other way.

If I had a lot of money

I would be very rich.

Until then, I’m voting Bernie Sanders.

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