Tag Archives: America

Remember 2009? Good Times!

It’s been 6 months since Trump got out

And despite the recent talks

Of hyperinflation, unemployment,

A border crisis, plunging stocks,

A gas pipeline disaster,

Covid deaths yet unabated,

And all the buildings burnt to ash

By those who “demonstrated”

We can all be thankful

That our country’s back on track.

In other news: Pot charged with hate speech

For calling Kettle black.

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Guest Poem From An Anonymous World Leader

There was a, um, a a a flower?

And it has, you know, plants,

And some are yellow and some are blue

But that doesn’t change that they’re green

On their, um, stalks or stems or something.

And when I smell them

Wait, they said don’t say smelling…

Flowers are green and and and thank you good morning!

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The New American Dream

Anti-racism

Is when white people

Protest against white people

For being white.

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CNN, 1 AD

Almost two weeks have passed

Since the “King of the Jews”

Awoke from the dead after three days

And made international news.

After promising forgiveness

Of all humans and departing,

Mumblings of discontent

From sinners have been starting.

“I wanted to retire

“Somewhere warm,” one sinner said,

“But now I have to worry

“About grace and s**t instead.”

“I’m pissed about redemption,”

Another man commented.

“What about my right to be

“Eternally tormented?”

In fact it seems that since the day

That Jesus pulled a “Nope”

And ascended into Heaven

To give the humans hope

Everyone’s been angry.

“I’m upset,” one human mused.

Tomorrow: “Why all the good men suck”

Right here on Nightly News.

This post was sponsored in part by Serpent Apple Company. Just one bite can change your life!

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I’m Not One Of The Sheep… I’m Just The Pasture

You know those tests they give you

That tell your dream career?

There’s been an innovation

In those tests, or so I hear.

They’ve found 80 percent or more

Of testers’ perfect jobs

Are members of unthinking

And mostly peaceful violent mobs.

I didn’t think about it much

When first I heard the news,

But when I took the test myself

I had to change my views.

I scored, not as a rioter,

But a guy who owns a store

That sells lightweight TVs and food

In downtown Baltimore.

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Better Than Anything Else On TV

Honestly, the most American sport

That no one’s thought of yet

Would have to be drunk NASCAR

(Or its equivalent)

Where the racers have to drink

A bunch if whiskey sours

Until they cannot walk, and then

Turn left for several hours.

It’s a last-man-standing race

That proves, HD and live,

That it is not a good idea

For one to drink and drive,

And yet some kids will spend their lives

Trying to be a pro.

Years later, in Utopia,

We’ll ask, “Where’d the dummies go?”

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You Get Equality! And You Get Equality! Everybody Gets Equality!

A growing social concern

That, to us, recently came

And affects the common person

Is Inequality of Fame.

Some folks are very famous

And some people are not

And it’s patently unfair

And it ain’t how it ought.

I suggest a policy

Wherein all people must

Create a social profile

With a media giant we trust

And exactly one trillion people

And never more or less

Must follow every profile

So society won’t regress.

If everybody’s famous

We’ll have perfect mental health.

Then maybe a trillion dollar minimum wage

Can do the same for wealth!

Update: It’s come to this poet’s attention that white, heterosexual, natal-males still exist, so this probably won’t happen for a while.

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Ham Covered In Sugar, Anyone?

Easter is the day a rabbit brings

Chocolate, eggs, and other things

To all the children with rich parents

And even to the folks named Clarence.

The bunny is a major hit

Among the kids for bringing shit.

They do not know it’s master plan…

The pigs do, and they’re not a fan.

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The Nice Thing About Biden Poems Is That They’re Easy To Rhyme

If ever there were a day

To say Joe Biden died

And Kamala was the pres now

And would be preside with pride

Just to test the public

To see how they react

It would be April 1st I guess.

Abloo scaree kerack.

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When Gen Z Starts Procreating

If I ever have a baby

With the person I call “Honey,”

I will name it “In the Headlights”

‘Cause when we sing “Happy Birthday” it’ll be funny.

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