I tried to take my emotional support rhino
On my flight to NYC
But they said I had to buy another seat…
So much for body positivity!
Tag Archives: America
Yeah… So Much For “Anything Can Happen”
There once were eight teams
With ambitions and dreams
Of competing for Super Bowl glory.
The boring teams won
And we didn’t have fun
And that’s today’s NFL story.
Filed under Poems
Ask Me About My School Lunch Policy
If I had a peanut
For every time I had a dark thought
There we be fewer kids with allergies
And crematoriums would profit a lot.
Filed under Poems
Talk About Stuck In A Lousy Job!
You think because you aren’t paid well
And work a lot of hours
Doing work you don’t enjoy
And your outlook on life sours
That means you have a lousy job?
Your misery sorely pales
To the job of being the fish they feed
To the SeaWorld killer whales.
Filed under Poems
Forget Centaurs…
I asked my friend “If you could mix
“Any two animals, what would you choose?”
He said “The body of a human
“And the spirit of a goose.”
At first I thought him silly,
Maybe even a little dumb,
But now I think he’s a wizard
And I know where Californian drivers come from.
Filed under Poems
New Year, New Ads
A week ago every TV ad
Showed deals on toys and tech.
Now the ads show deals
On food and weight loss. What the heck?
Oh, yeah! Because the year went up
It’s time to be a better you
And thanks to marketing execs
We’ll know just what to do:
Throw money at the products
That say you’ll have more time,
A slimmer waist and better feet
And less suburban crime.
You’ll save a baby elephant
If you buy our fancy knife
And thanks to free shipping (if you buy NOW)
You’ll live a better life.
I, for one, am grateful
To view these free educational shows.
Now excuse me while I lose some weight
And my magically regrows.
Filed under Poems
Music and Lyrics
I heard some kids sing “Old McDonald”
Singing “With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,
“Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.”
Then I turned on the radio
And heard a 41-year-old sing
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.”
Children deserve more respect.
Filed under Poems
IRS? More Like IQ-0
There once was a federal agency
Who knew how much taxes you owed, you see,
But when you didn’t pay enough
‘Cause math is hard and stuff
They need a whole department to audit ye?
Filed under Poems
But Seriously, Who Doesn’t Want To Do This At Least Once?
I think people would be happier
If once a day, for free,
They could take an eighteen-wheeler
Packed with TNT
And have a robot drive it
Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum
But that’s very illegal
‘Cause the government is dumb.
Filed under Poems
Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message
Pixie dust and fairy farts,
Princess hair and fey Walmarts:
Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.
The others are movies that Disney just did.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 