You haven’t thought of pickles today
And you haven’t jumped a rope.
You haven’t kissed an armadillo
And you’ll never be the pope.
Your eyes aren’t orange like cinnamon
And you have a tooth smaller than your knee,
But if we voted for a different guy
You’ll probably disagree.
Filed under Poems
Swords have cross-guards,
Hammers have heads,
And NFL cornerbacks
Often have dreads.
Movies have releases
And novels have printin’s,
But why can’t Taylor Swift
Have some dirt on the Clintons?
Filed under Poems
If America falls into a second civil war
And you live in a republican town
It’s smart to hide in the welfare office
‘Cause that’s one place the Dems won’t burn down.
——————————————————–
If America falls into a second civil war
And you live in a democratic city
You’ll get shot alright
But if you’re not white
No one will say anything that makes you feel shitty.
——————————————————–
If America falls into a second civil war
And California is wiped off the map
The quality of films will go through the roof
As long as you like that Japanese crap.
Filed under Poems
Bob and Jim were terrorists
With three-ounce bottles of shampoo.
Steve and Josh were anarchists
And they each had some shampoo too.
They made a bomb to kill some folks
By pooling all of their shampoo
And they would have succeeded
If Dan, with the nail clippers, had gotten through.
Filed under Poems
Some may think it’s pretty neat,
But I just think its’s strange,
That there are people in the street
Protesting climate change,
Demanding that reality
Conform to how they view it
And thinking politicians
Have the tools with which to do it.
Meanwhile, folks RSVP’ed
To commit a federal crime
Via Facebook, storming Area 51.
(This stanza ends with a rhyme)
I think that this September
Is as dumb as a month can get,
But then I smile and remember…
It hasn’t ended yet.
Filed under Poems
“Black guys play the black card.”
That’s how white people said it
Before they made the Master Card
And gave themselves the credit.
*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.
Filed under Poems
What you need to know about ducks
Is not as important as the fact
That every day a million fish
Are, by some birds, attacked.
Those fish cannot defend themselves
Against these violent birds
And it’s time for us to take a stand
And learn to use our words.
When I held political office
In a non-avian related capacity
I realized that my constituents
Viewed me as a guy with some sagacity.
Because of that, I make my case
That fish deserve love too
So vote for me in 2020
And also ducks. Thank you!
Filed under Poems
