Welcome to airport security
Where we protect your flight
From older moms with manicure kits
And from folks who are being too white.
Our job is to look through your undies
To find the board game that you packed
Because some guy before you were born
Didn’t get good intel on Iraq.
We’ll never be happy to see you
And we’ll make sure you feel the same way.
Now go to your flight that was cancelled
And let us get on with our day.
Filed under Poems
I’m not so concerned about politicians
With approval rates at historical lows.
Instead I’m concerned that armed rebellion
Is still unpopular, but hey, that’s how it goes.
Filed under Poems
My new religious theory
Is that the “people in between“
Who deserve neither Heaven nor Hell
Go to a place in between
Where fires burn and humans
Suffer terrible humiliation
While the skies are blue and sunny
And most ignore the devastation.
After further thinking
Of where such a plane my be
There seems to be a candidate
That makes good sense to me,
Where Hell and Heaven intertwine
And fate goes either way.
I present to you my limbo:
California, USA
Filed under Poems
To get a job in the CIA
You just show up one day
And if nobody catches you
You’re a spy! That sounds okay…
But getting a job in the TSA
Is not so cut and dry
Because if you show up at all
Your boss will wonder why.
Filed under Poems
What if a time traveler became a teacher
And for a few decades or so
Just didn’t teach people to write
Because they already know
That AI will destroy the world
And our only hope are those
Who trained the AI how to write
Using their own terrible prose?
Filed under Poems
Democrats are donkeys.
Republicans are elephants.
Libertarians are porcupines.
All this makes very little sense;
If a party chose a mascot
Like a dragon or a sphinx
They’d win every election
(Or so this poet thinks).
Filed under Poems
“Greenland” is a name
That does not describe the place,
Like “United States”
Filed under Poems
So there’s a country named for plates
And one for Thanksgiving birds.
One country claims it is real
But misspelled the last two thirds.
One is hot peppers. One’s just a name.
One is a Southeastern state.
And we’re just three stupid letters
With no puns attached. This I hate.
Filed under Poems
We asked Canada to become a state
But they responded with only hate.
What was poor America to do
But extend the offer to Venezuela too?
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the night after Christmas
And all through the crick
All the rednecks were calling
Old Francis a dick
‘Cause of all of the nights
To go hunting for deer
These nights are the very worst
Parts of the year.
He must’ve been drinking.
Why else would he look
For deer in the sky
And take the shot that he took?
Now all of the kiddies
Have stockings of air
‘Cause old Francis’s shotgun
Had pellets to spare.
But the crick kids were thankful
As they took a big bite
Of smoked red-nosed venison
On post-Christmas night.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 