Tag Archives: America

The American Way

You haven’t thought of pickles today

And you haven’t jumped a rope.

You haven’t kissed an armadillo

And you’ll never be the pope.

Your eyes aren’t orange like cinnamon

And you have a tooth smaller than your knee,

But if we voted for a different guy

You’ll probably disagree.

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I’m Just Gonna Let This Hang Here…

Swords have cross-guards,

Hammers have heads,

And NFL cornerbacks

Often have dreads.

Movies have releases

And novels have printin’s,

But why can’t Taylor Swift

Have some dirt on the Clintons?

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Feel Free To Add More!

If America falls into a second civil war

And you live in a republican town

It’s smart to hide in the welfare office

‘Cause that’s one place the Dems won’t burn down.

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If America falls into a second civil war

And you live in a democratic city

You’ll get shot alright

But if you’re not white

No one will say anything that makes you feel shitty.

——————————————————–

If America falls into a second civil war

And California is wiped off the map

The quality of films will go through the roof

As long as you like that Japanese crap.

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Another Win For Airport Security

Bob and Jim were terrorists

With three-ounce bottles of shampoo.

Steve and Josh were anarchists

And they each had some shampoo too.

They made a bomb to kill some folks

By pooling all of their shampoo

And they would have succeeded

If Dan, with the nail clippers, had gotten through.

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Wake Me Up When September Ends

Some may think it’s pretty neat,

But I just think its’s strange,

That there are people in the street

Protesting climate change,

Demanding that reality

Conform to how they view it

And thinking politicians

Have the tools with which to do it.

Meanwhile, folks RSVP’ed

To commit a federal crime

Via Facebook, storming Area 51.

(This stanza ends with a rhyme)

I think that this September

Is as dumb as a month can get,

But then I smile and remember…

It hasn’t ended yet.

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Discover Why Mexicans Use Visa*

“Black guys play the black card.”

That’s how white people said it

Before they made the Master Card

And gave themselves the credit.

*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.

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Watching the Debates

What you need to know about ducks

Is not as important as the fact

That every day a million fish

Are, by some birds, attacked.

Those fish cannot defend themselves

Against these violent birds

And it’s time for us to take a stand

And learn to use our words.

When I held political office

In a non-avian related capacity

I realized that my constituents

Viewed me as a guy with some sagacity.

Because of that, I make my case

That fish deserve love too

So vote for me in 2020

And also ducks. Thank you!

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