Tag Archives: America

The Quickest Of Ego Boosts

If you’re feeling blue

Because Summer turned to Fall

Just change your name to Brandon

And learn to love football.

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It’s Almost Like People Are Frustrated And Indifferent For Some Reason…

Anyone remember

When a conversation meant

You tell your partner what you like

And everywhere you went,

Your hopes and dreams and fantasies

And they reply with “K”?

You don’t, which makes me wonder

How we got to this today.

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Joke of the Day

Harvey Weinstein, Pablo Escobar, and Joe Biden walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Let me guess… you want me to put it in my body or I’ll never work again?”

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When The School Counselor Gives Up

Just because last time you jumped

You injured yourself in the fall

Doesn’t mean you’ll be mistaken

If you once again give it your all.

Just because last time the verdict

Did not go the way you intended

Does not mean your life will be better

If you avoid being offended.

Just because pain is eternal

Doesn’t mean you should quit having fun.

Don’t be a fool! Get up! Go to school!

And oh, by the way, here’s a gun.

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Trust The Science

A while ago, a farmer

Would be thought a cause of harm

If he didn’t use asbestos

To fireproof his farm.

A while ago a woman

Who was pregnant and upset

Was told her pain would go away

With a tasty cigarette.

A while ago a baby

Was calm as calm could be,

Unbothered by those nasty flies

Thanks to some DDT.

They told them “Trust the science”

And “You’re selfish to abstain.”

So here we watch as history

Repeats itself again.

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Bonus: SNL Promo

Do you love comedy, but hate laughing?

Do you like shows where all the talented cast members left but you keep watching anyway?

Did you take a Buzzfeed personality test that called you “The one who sucks all the joy out of your friend group” and posted it proudly on social media with the caption “ZOMG, this is like soooooo me!”?

No?

Yeah, that’s what we thought.

Don’t watch SNL.

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The New Normal

Conforming is courage.

Sameness is unique.

Silence is violence

So we all must speak,

But if you speak other

Than what we agree

The only conclusion

Is patriarchy!

Everyone’s special

Except for the whites

And all men, plus women

Who want to have rights.

Such people are dangers

To our peaceful views

Unless they are silenced

By endless bad news.

“The truth” is old-fashioned.

“Your truth” will prevail.

If there are no winners

Then no one can fail!

So dye your hair purple

And get your tattoos

And be one of us rebels

Who share the same views.

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The Worst Speech In The History Of Speeches, Maybe Ever

Roses are red.

Biden is tired.

The guy who holds his “applause” sign

Apparently got fired.

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Today’s White House News

Today a man who made himself

And all his staff exempt

From being vaccinated

Most audaciously has dreamt

That those who didn’t get a shot

That doesn’t stop the spread

Are somehow the ones responsible

That twelve more folks are dead.

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“F*ck Your Freedom” -Howard Stern

Last year we learned about a cold

That you can’t tell if you’ve got

So the only logical thing to do

Is mandate a mystery shot

That does not stop the spreading

Or the catching of diseases

Because, after all, our liberty

Is whatever our overlord pleases.

Just because it caused a clot

That killed my uncle Stu

Doesn’t mean it isn’t something

Everyone must do!

So why not be a good little sheep

And get your Covid shot?

And if you do in the next 12 hours

We’ll give you some free pot!

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