Tag Archives: America

Seven Crappy Little Poems I Wrote At 11:48 Last Night

Confederate Secrets

A lot of slaves were literate

Or so I’ve been told.

I wonder if they ever read

“Chicken Soup for the Sold?”

America’s Digital Security

Obama’s password:

PASSORD

Note: No “W”

Our Beloved President

Since I have a Lamborghini

They don’t care that my dick’s teeny.

Facebook

I like… like “like-like…”

Liking, like, likes I, like, like.

You’re, like, welcome. lol

Christian Bakeries

I was going to buy a baguette

But they thought I was a faggot.

Nothing awful happened though.

They kept their bread. I kept my dough.

Technically Accurate…

If you like corn on the cob

There’s a very small chance you’re part of the mob.

Hell

If you want a drink in Hell

You’ll find you have to go

To that one drinking fountain

With the insufficient flow,

And French-kiss the rusty spigot

That’s soaking wet with drool.

Satan got the idea

From your local middle school.

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Trigger Warning: This Poem Contains Thought Crime

You say I have privilege

Because I’m male and white.

You call me uninformed

Because I don’t think you’re right.

You can have my privilege too.

All you must do to try it

Is to move out of the cities

Where “recreation” means “to riot.”

You can disagree with me

While you drink another beer

Thanks to taxes paid by this poet

Making 4-figures a year.

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The Analogy Is Actually Kinda Perfect

America is like Halo:

It started out with violence

And an independent spirit

Fighting an immortal empire

Who knew well that we’d fear it.

Then the beloved sequel came

And we gave up the slaves we stole,

Fought a battle on both sides

To forge our true united soul.

Then came history’s “Halo 3”

Which was forgettable all in all,

Clearly not its glorious peak

But it hadn’t hit the wall.

When the Vietnam years came

Thus started Halo 4

Where we spat on our own soldiers

Drafted into pointless war.

Now here we are in Halo 5

Where profit is the king,

Equality is an afterthought

And everything’s covered in bling.

We who love the franchise past,

The Halo 1’s and 2’s

Who love America in spirit

Not America in the news

Look hopefully at the future

While feeling kind of vexed

Wondering what the powers that be

Will inevitably screw up next.

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I Guess This Makes Me A Bigot, Right?

Go back a century or so

And you’ve got places blacks can’t go.

You’d be shamed to dare to love

A person from a class above.

Today my alma maters wants

To build us “No white student” haunts

And though we seek to seem the same

What’s “Commonplace” is seen as lame.

Back then we fought for equal rights

For blacks and browns and reds and whites.

Now in our “That’s racist” nation

We praise illegal immigration.

Does no one else yet see the flaw

In praising those who break the law,

The symptoms of a dying nation

Shouting for resegregation?

Yes, I want love, so please desist

With calling me “Supremacist”

And maybe past our skin we’ll find

We share a human heart and mind.

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Peasant Problems

They told me to lift dumbbells

‘Cause my arms were far too thin.

I couldn’t check if they were right

‘Cause Congress wouldn’t let me in.

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The Flavor Of “Winning”

For a moment I sat there

With blood on my hands

Smearing life on my white-bread toast

In a room all alone

With inanimate friends

In a halfway house built for a ghost.

My Ferrari was mired

In a 90-hour week

When I needed just 12 to survive

But I’d long since stopped living

For the privilege of being

Among the elite few who can thrive.

The child in the basement

Was calling for daddy

‘Til its fat little throat had gone raw

And yet I was too busy

Helping others to join me

To notice my life had a flaw.

But if I’d payed attention,

Tasted a tomato

Or felt a moth land in my hair,

Just walked outside barefoot

Or put salt in my coffee

I’d realize somehow I still care.

I care about family.

I care about freedom.

I don’t need this bottle and pill.

And maybe that baby

Will say “taste the tomato”

And if I haven’t yet died then I will.

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A Squirt Of Perspective

Slice of lemon in your glass?

That happens all the time,

But have you ever wondered why

It’s not a slice of lime?

The lighter-colored citrus fruits

Are served most frequently

Because climate change and racists.

That’s what half the people see.

The other half are shouting

That the lack of water-limes

Is thanks to the free-market

In these far-from-certain times

And that the pro-lime lobbyists

Will take your guns away

And so in lemon drinks we trust…

In Jesus’ name we pray.

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