Tag Archives: Money

On Monetization (For A Limited Time, You Can See This Poem’s Secret Full Title For Just $1.99 When You Like And Subscribe)!

I’ll tell you a tale of a terror

Of a fellow whose job starts with “C”.

He sold silly stuff, but it wasn’t enough

To make “millionaire” start with a “B”.

So it would seem that he dreamed up a scheme

Where whenever one wanted to win

They could wait for an hour to double their power

Or just pay not to wait to begin.

From there they’d enable the financially stable

To get, just a bit at a time,

A pack of fine hats that add one to your stats

For eleventy-one gems and a dime.

I’m not sure which curse is objectively worse:

The fact that they dreamed up this plan

Or that players will buy ‘til the debt hits their eye

For a chance at a doodad in tan.

And yet player one wants a gun that’s more fun

And mom’s credit card’s been pre-approved…

Or how about trying to stop all our buying

Until C-level guy gets removed?

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Buy My Books Now Before They Go On Sale And Lose All Of Their Value

Money’s more expensive now,

And so are milk and bread.

Your rent’s gone through the roof this year

And it’s hard to keep your head.

You might think that stocks and bonds

Are good spots for your money,

But you are wrong! The best investment

Is poetry that’s funny!

For instance, look at all the folks

Who lost their homes this year.

They didn’t buy a book of verse

But spent their cash on beer,

And I think Queen Elizabeth

Would be alive today

If she’d just read one lousy poem

Published every day!

So do it for your health and wealth

And the queen’s legacy:

Read the crap I publish here

And oh! The results you’ll see!

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The Game Changed Me…

I played a game of Monopoly

And the reactions spanned quite a panoply.

I bankrupted my friends

‘Cause means justify ends…

Now I’ve a monocle and I act foppily.

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Saving At The Pump

I met a lady buying gas

Who said her name was Penny.

There were ladies prettier,

But surely not too many.

As she was about to finish

Putting gas into her car

I saw her pull a lighter out

To ignite a cigar.

I rushed over and tackled her

Before the fire could start.

I explained why such a plan

Was neither safe nor smart.

I wish I could say that she

Would one day be my wife

Because I had wits quick enough

To save my Penny’s life…

But alas, the very next day

I wasn’t there, and she burned.

At least her cremation was free;

A Penny saved, a Penny urned.

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When The Blue Car And The Red Car Are Both Racing Towards The Cliff But You Still Want Your Favorite Color To Win

If we elected a white guy

And he gave cash to everyone white

Most people would agree

That doesn’t seem morally right.

If we elected a black guy

To give cash to everyone black

Society would probably feel

Like their freedom was under attack.

If we elected a woman

Who gave money to everyone female

You can bet she’d receive

Her fair share of nasty email.

And yet we elected some rich guy

Who says “Rich folks aren’t taxed enough yet”

And then all the rich guys get richer

And nobody’s even upset?

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Crime Pays Everyone But Me

People lose millions of dollars a day

To people with terrible grammar,

So I figured “Hey, I seem stupid sometimes

“So why shouldn’t I be a scammer?”

I sent out an email to millions of people

Saying “I could have stolen a stack

“But instead I abstained from stealing your money

“So to say thanks, could you send some back?”

That was on Monday and now it is Friday

And I’m not sure if scams like this work…

So now you’re aware of why criminals steal:

It’s ’cause you’re a miserly jerk!

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Sponsored Poem (With Video)!

Some folks can write greeting cards

And some folks can write songs.

Some folks can write poetry

Addressing social wrongs.

Some folks are very talented

While some folks just get by,

But on another level down

You’ll find, alas, this guy.

So how’s a lousy poet

Find a way to make ends meet

When the greatest poets in the world

Are starving in the street?

One way’s to get better,

But that’s just not my way.

The other is to advertise

For anyone willing to pay.

Those who sponsor poetry

Are sadly not so numerous…

I thus present this advertisement

With hope you’ll find it humorous.

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Economics 101

I was almost bankrupt

But rather than admit defeat

I missed a few car payments

And boom! I’m back on my feet!

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Wealth is a Problem

I sleep on a bed of money

But still no one respects me

‘Cause I pay my bills with tiny beds

As my conscience directs me.

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He’s Asian, So He’ll Probably Send Me $6

When the Coronavirus began

I sent my buddy a letter:

“Bet you five bucks this is the new plague

“Because asians do everything better.”

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