I met a lady buying gas
Who said her name was Penny.
There were ladies prettier,
But surely not too many.
As she was about to finish
Putting gas into her car
I saw her pull a lighter out
To ignite a cigar.
I rushed over and tackled her
Before the fire could start.
I explained why such a plan
Was neither safe nor smart.
I wish I could say that she
Would one day be my wife
Because I had wits quick enough
To save my Penny’s life…
But alas, the very next day
I wasn’t there, and she burned.
At least her cremation was free;
A Penny saved, a Penny urned.
If we elected a white guy
And he gave cash to everyone white
Most people would agree
That doesn’t seem morally right.
If we elected a black guy
To give cash to everyone black
Society would probably feel
Like their freedom was under attack.
If we elected a woman
Who gave money to everyone female
You can bet she’d receive
Her fair share of nasty email.
And yet we elected some rich guy
Who says “Rich folks aren’t taxed enough yet”
And then all the rich guys get richer
And nobody’s even upset?
People lose millions of dollars a day
To people with terrible grammar,
So I figured “Hey, I seem stupid sometimes
“So why shouldn’t I be a scammer?”
I sent out an email to millions of people
Saying “I could have stolen a stack
“But instead I abstained from stealing your money
“So to say thanks, could you send some back?”
That was on Monday and now it is Friday
And I’m not sure if scams like this work…
So now you’re aware of why criminals steal:
It’s ’cause you’re a miserly jerk!
Some folks can write greeting cards
And some folks can write songs.
Some folks can write poetry
Addressing social wrongs.
Some folks are very talented
While some folks just get by,
But on another level down
You’ll find, alas, this guy.
So how’s a lousy poet
Find a way to make ends meet
When the greatest poets in the world
Are starving in the street?
One way’s to get better,
But that’s just not my way.
The other is to advertise
For anyone willing to pay.
Those who sponsor poetry
Are sadly not so numerous…
I thus present this advertisement
With hope you’ll find it humorous.
I was almost bankrupt
But rather than admit defeat
I missed a few car payments
And boom! I’m back on my feet!
I sleep on a bed of money
But still no one respects me
‘Cause I pay my bills with tiny beds
As my conscience directs me.
When the Coronavirus began
I sent my buddy a letter:
“Bet you five bucks this is the new plague
“Because asians do everything better.”
Fate, ye tempting mountebank,
Whether spurious or not,
Can prove to be, to our free will,
A specious asymptote.
Cuts our time; We must defer.
My mom paid me a dollar
To write this poem, so blame her.
People are saying college is expensive,
That $100,000 in debt isn’t fine.
I worked hard to get a scholarship
And only owe $99,999.99
If you write someone a check
You’re basically giving them
A fancy IOU
That they can take to any bank
And swap for coins and bills
Which are, themselves, just IOUs
From folks on capital hill.
You can use these IOUs
To buy treasury bonds
Which are IOUs that pay you cash
Just for holding on.
If you cash these IOUs
You’ll find, in fact, you can’t
Because they’re just as meaningless
As the average Facebook rant,
But if you give them to your friends
Or drop them from the sky
You’ll become an instant hero.
Now do you regret asking “Why?”