Jack said “I bet” I can hold

My breath longer than you.

We shook hands and I staked cash

Knowing it wasn’t true.

Then I inhaled and so did he

Our cheeks and chests puffed out

And we proceeded with not-breathing

With the hope of earning clout.

15 seconds later

We both were doing fine.

We both were getting tired

When we hit a minute nine.

The suffering really started

At a minute thirty-two

And when we hit two minutes

We  both had turned quite blue.

Another 30 seconds

And another after that.

Even though my name is Dave I

Hallucinated I was Matt.

A minute then another

Then an hour, then a week…

Neither of us dared exhale.

Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.

And when the comet hit the Earth

And brought the end of days

Jack and I, two zombies,

Saw the error of our ways.

We held our breath for eons,

‘Til the East became the West.

In our undeath we’ll break the tie

By seeing who can piss the best.

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