Tag Archives: Silly

Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid

I met a beauty in the lab

And we talked of time and space

And before the time had finished

We were walking to my place.

Things were getting steamy

And as she turned off the light

I said “This is like water

“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”

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You Get Equality! And You Get Equality! Everybody Gets Equality!

A growing social concern

That, to us, recently came

And affects the common person

Is Inequality of Fame.

Some folks are very famous

And some people are not

And it’s patently unfair

And it ain’t how it ought.

I suggest a policy

Wherein all people must

Create a social profile

With a media giant we trust

And exactly one trillion people

And never more or less

Must follow every profile

So society won’t regress.

If everybody’s famous

We’ll have perfect mental health.

Then maybe a trillion dollar minimum wage

Can do the same for wealth!

Update: It’s come to this poet’s attention that white, heterosexual, natal-males still exist, so this probably won’t happen for a while.

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Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed

Ladies: I am five-foot-two,

Bald, and overweight

With a salary four figures long

And a commemorative bowling plate.

Now sure, I know you’re thinking

“Does he know how bad that sounds?”

Well… if they circumcised me

I would lose 100 pounds…

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Realistic Aspirations

There are a lot of things

That you will never be:

You’ll never be an airplane

Or a cup of Earl Grey tea.

You’ll never be a unicorn

Or a tube of chili paste

Or a fan of Hip-Hop music

Who has impeccable taste.

You’ll never be a lantern

Or a humble guy from Yale,

But thanks to human effort

You may just become a whale.

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When Gen Z Starts Procreating

If I ever have a baby

With the person I call “Honey,”

I will name it “In the Headlights”

‘Cause when we sing “Happy Birthday” it’ll be funny.

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Why They REALLY Monitor School Lunches

There once was a senator from Naboo

Who, of the Sith Order, knew.

One day he used the dark side,

Shot some lightning and died…

I guess he had a peanut allergy too!

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He Didn’t See That Coming Either

I met a guy

Who was afraid of the ocean,

The salt and the seaweed

And unending motion.

I said “You can fix it!

“Come swimming with me!”

Then I murdered and canned him

‘Cause he was Chicken of the Sea.

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But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…

I think the greatest opportunity

Anyone ever missed

Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”

Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!

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H*ck Yeah!

If you’re afraid someone might think

That you’re sort of a d*ck

Then emulate the mainstream news

And use this little tr*ck

Wherein you take a common word

Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc

And replace one relevant l*tter

With a h*ndy asterisk!

N*body can blame you

Or say you’re being r*de

‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t

Are not, in themselves cr*de.

Don’t w*rry about the fact

That you can read all this just f*ne:

What m*tters is that readers

Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.

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As The Animals Become More Dangerous…

If wishes were horses

The poor would ride.

If wishes were tigers

The poor would hide.

If wishes were wives

The poor would go fishing.

If wishes were were lawyers

I wish we’d quit wishing.

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