Tag Archives: Silly

Works On 5-Year-Olds, So…

Instead of sending crooks to jail

What if we made them eat kale?

I think they’d say that I’m a hero

For the idea that reduced all crime to zero.

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Hogwarts, 2021

If you think a Banshee’s scream is bad

You have never heard

The scream of the mythical Banthey

When one’s been misgendered.

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Taaaake… Me To The Ri. Vuh… (Drop me in the wa. Tuh…) But An Octave Lower

The guys who, in the ‘90s,

Made the singing Big Mouth Bass

Will be long renowned by history

For redefining “urban class.”

Alas, they could have changed music

Had they thought ahead so far

As to make an instrument

They called the “bass guitar.”

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By Reading This Limerick You May Or May Not Open A Parallel Universe

There once was a cat of Schrodinger

Who wanted to give science the finger.

He said “I will stay

“And also walk away.”

Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.

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“Andrew’s Shirtless Chest Glistened Under The Golden Sun. He Placed His Hands On My…” Crap… That’s The Summit

I kept climbing mountains

Even after I went blind.

Sure, the view was nothing much

But now instead I find

The mountain tells me stories

That I can read in braille.

Sure, they can be predictable

But they have such great detail!

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By The Way, Why Did Didn’t

Today I wrote

“Why did the chicken cross the road”

And someone petty replied

“You forgot the question mark…

“You meant ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’”

So I went out and bought a chicken

And named it Why Did

And I commanded it:

“Why Did the chicken, cross the road!”

That’s what random internet people get

For being grammar nazis.

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The Good Girl And The Criminal, Abridged

My girlfriend likes to relax in the evening

But I like to step up a notch.

She said “Let’s watch Steel Magnolias.”

I said “Let’s steal Magnolia’s watch.”

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Daddy Is The Child, While The Daddy Is Childish

If I were a professional athlete

Who married a supermodel

And knew my progeny’s eventual genes

Would be cranking out talent full-throttle

I think I would name my son “Daddy”

Just to see the look on some faces

Whenever my son is revealed as the one

Who wins all the games and the races.

“Oh yes, Daddy’s enormous”

All the commentators would say

“And Daddy’s been known to dominate

“Everybody who stands in his way.”

Let’s say Daddy learned to play hockey…

I think that would sound pretty slick:

“Daddy comes quickly towards the goal!

“I love how he handles his stick!”

Daddy could master the breast stroke,

Or hook up with a tight end,

Dribble his ball for a lay-in

Or illegally use his hands “to defend.”

Yes, my athletic son Daddy

Would make even golf fun to watch…

But alas, God made me a poet

And no athlete shall be conceived by my crotch.

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Smells Like Home, Tastes Like [Redacted]

The CIA captured the boss

Of a domestic terrorist cell.

They did everything they could do

To “convince” the guy to tell

What he’s planning, what he knows,

But the criminal never cracked

Until the feds quit waterboarding him

And made him drink vanilla extract.

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Gary Gygax Is My Promise Ring

Some people use condoms.

Some folks use the pill.

Some people are celibate.

There are other methods still;

My favorite of the methods

To prevent a pregnancy

Is by telling all my dates

That I play D&D.

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