I had a first edition Charizard
That I sold for five bucks.
I had a chance to buy Bitcoin
When folks said it sucks.
So when I sell you my Honda
With a hole in the door
Remember the price trends
Of what I’ve sold before.
Tag Archives: Silly
Hollywood, Kansas
Good old Southern wisdom dictates
That nobody can be hotter
Than a woman with the privilege
Of being a farmer’s daughter.
Now a lot of celebrities try
Via paying a lot of money
To get hotter through plastic surgery
But they end up looking funny.
Meanwhile, farms in general
Are losing cash with every crop.
Now I share a solution
To make both these problems stop:
Aging celebrities pay a subscription
To be adopted by the farmers
Who’ll do less growing vegetables
And more of raising charmers.
The world gets better affordable food
And less of the adjective “botched”
And films starring 40+ actresses
Might actually start to get watched!
Filed under Poems
Christmas Is Gettin’ Good!
Growing up is hard.
Santa wants to make you smile.
Meet new Nuka-Sled!
Filed under Poems
Hoedown!
Four
De
Scen
Ding
Choooords…
Well I like to hunt
And I like to fish
But this redneck cowboy stereotype
Only has one real wish
That’s to meet your pa
And to buy a ring
And to do the redneck cowboy stereotypical wedding thing
So if you will be my bride, oh boy
You’ll surely be my pride and joy
And with any luck you’ll get in my truck
And we’ll have a kid and shoot a deer and a duck…
And if mama and my dog were still alive
I know they’d love to see us thrive
So let that steel guitar play a minor chord…
As the light fades and we kiss in my Ford…
So I hope that you live up to all my hype
‘Cause girl you are my cowboy
(Chord)
Redneck
(Chord)
Stereo…
(Beedillo dee bo de bo debodo bebodo dee)
Type!
Filed under Poems
They’ll Kill The Non-Binaries First
When the robots start a war
It won’t be any fun,
But I can safely predict the final score
Will be zero to one.
Filed under Poems
Fir Real
I opened up a shop today
To sell yew trees to all.
I planted the woods last Spring
And I’ll close the shop this fall.
Unfortunately, my business plan
Still has a few crossed wires:
As it turns out, only Yew
Can prevent forest buyers.
Filed under Poems
How To Deal With An Upset Person
Sometimes people are cranky
Even if you give them a blankey.
If they are, just grab it back
And then go get them a snack.
If a snack and a blankey don’t help
Just say noncommittally, “whelp”,
Then sprinkle a pentagram of salt
Because the devil is probably at fault.
Filed under Poems
Untold Abe Lincoln Story
They said “Be the change you want to see”
And I was about to imagine bliss
Then you asked, “Penny for your thoughts”
And whoops! I’m stuck like this!
Filed under Poems
Grandpa’s Advice Column
Every problem in the world
Can be solved with one of these:
WD-40, a well-timed bullet,
Or a bag of frozen peas.
Filed under Poems
What Ever Happened To Manners?
Sometimes I ask myself
“Is talking to myself weird?”
Then some guy next to me says
“Yes”
And my internal monologue and I
Make knowing eye contact
And just walk away from Mr-All-About-Me.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 