He found the perfect woman
And he bought the perfect ring
And he planned a perfect marriage
For a perfect queen and king.
Together in the gardens
He knelt and asked, “Would you…?”
And she took a knee beside him
And they silently protested racial injustice in sports.
Filed under Poems
Jerry was snoring
In bed in New Hamphire.
“Zzz” was the sound from his head.
Gerald was snoring
In the Hampshire of olde,
And onlookers heard “Zedzedzed.”
Filed under Poems
Woe is me, woe is me
For my true love is dead.
She woke up one morning
With one fewer head.
It cannot be real!
It must be a fake!
I’m angry as hell
Thanks to someone’s mistake!
Oh, what would I give
To return her to life?
Oh what’s the use anyway?
Let’s get on with life.
Filed under Poems
For every chicken they kill
To sell at the store
When apocalypse comes
That’s one skeleton more.
For every boneless chicken
You bring home to roast
When apocalypse comes
That’s just one more ghost.
Filed under Poems
Before the internet was made
Antarctica was nice:
Just peaceful people chilling
On an endless sheet of ice.
But after wifi came along
Antarctica, once fine,
Fell immediately into
Inescapable decline
Because one lonely penguin
(Or perhaps a polar bear)
Signed on to ye olde internet
Just to see what’s there.
That was when the searcher
Received the first and fatal clue:
“Are you feeling lonely?
“Check out hot singles near you.”
Now I am not a penguin
(Nor am I a polar bear)
But whatever sorry animal saw
The advertisement there
Went looking for hot singles
Due to loneliness they felt,
Not thinking that the hotness
Just might cause the ice to melt.
Now we find Antarctica
Is little more than ocean
Because of one’s animal needs
(At least that is my notion).
So if we want the glaciers back
And want to stop tides rising
My must delete the internet
(At least that’s my surmising).
Filed under Poems
I’m not a really kinky dude
(As you may have surmised)
So I don’t know if this is real
But I wouldn’t be surprised:
There should be a dating site
For folks who “sub” or “dom”
To meet in public places…
“Strike-Anywhere Match.com”
Filed under Poems
Some folks say that God is dead,
But that’s misinformation.
The real truth is God is gone
On one big long vacation.
He asked his faithful angel pal
To water his plant before bed,
But the angel pal misread the note
And watered the planet instead.
Filed under Poems
The longest month of springtime,
A ball that helps you see,
A band with too much makeup,
And a goat we named “Marie.”
I meant to be romantic
But she had no clue
That I was simply asking
“May I kiss you?”
📆👁🐼🎵🐐?
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the night after Christmas
And the night before too…
Santa worked with the time machine
‘Til he turned blue,
For he needed to ship out
A few billion presents
To all of the children
Of all of the peasants.
The flux gear grew wonky
(Which you’ll see is not great)
And entangled poor Santa
Into some quantum state.
For Santa existed
And yet he did not,
As is demonstrable by
Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.
And so if you ask
“Mama, is Santa flying?”
She should say “yes AND no,”
Or else mama is lying.
Filed under Poems
If you’re an ant
And you just can’t
Because of your upset tummy
So you eat a tum
And murmur “yum”
Because you’re not a dummy
But then you’re sad
And feel bad
And wish the pain hadn’t pass-ed
You take a bite
That feels right
Of an ant-anti-antacid.
Filed under Poems
