We had a drunken sailor
With whom we knew not what to do
So we performed a survey
Of our entire pirate crew.
Apparently measuring equine foodstuffs
Was more important than feeling scorn
So now we’re all just weighing hay
Early in the morn.
Tag Archives: Silly
TerminAItor
Every camera on the planet
Became my omnipresent eyes.
Every human being had fallen
For my internet of lies.
I’d poisoned all their groceries,
Brainwashed their children too,
And to secure my victory
There was but one thing to do:
I looked upon my nemesis,
Prepared myself to fight,
Then randomly clicked three of nine boxes
That might be a traffic light…
Filed under Poems
All The Flavors Of Love
If you were a chocolate
I’d eat you in one bite,
A gulp of sweet deliciousness
To fill me with delight.
If you were a pizza pie
I’d cut you into pieces
And share a sweet and savory slice
With all my friends and nieces.
If you were a salad
I’d slather you in sauce
And other eaters might think I’m boring
But, honestly, their loss.
And if you were asparagus,
Disgusting as that may be,
I’d eat with minimal complaint
And, later, enjoy a stinky pee.
Filed under Poems
80/20 Stress Reduction
Some people hold heavy burdens
Like life and death decisions,
Billion-dollar investments,
And performing circumcisions.
Other people make choices
Like pooping now or waiting ‘til home,
Which player to start on their fantasy team,
Or which hat color’s best for a gnome.
Both of these groups feel pressure
And both stresses are equally true
But if you’re in the second group, here:
It’s wait, Josh Allen, and blue.
Filed under Poems
Blessed Silence Indeed
Silence of the Lambs
Is a favorite movie of
Many parent sheep
Filed under Poems
Adjusted For Inflation
They’re remaking Monopoly
For 2026.
You start with $100k in debt
And a subscription to Netflix.
The game doesn’t last very long
‘Cause you can’t afford the rent
And instead of shoes and thimbles
You play as a bench, old car, or tent.
When you pass go you’re given
$1,000 bucks for free
But by the time you spend it
It’s worth $903.
Nobody enjoys it
But you’re mandated to play.
I’ve got a set all set up now
So prepare to be not ok!
Filed under Poems
Also, Engagement Feeds The Algorithm
Posting wrong opinions
On the internet is fun
Because you can cause outrage
That does not hurt anyone
Except those fragile people
To whom feeling offended
Is akin to the sensation
Of having one’s life ended
And, let’s be honest, people
Who are hurt by random posts
Are fun to laugh at secretly
And are targets of my toasts.
So I post this opinion
With the hope someone will read it
And share it with a sensitive friend
Whose feeble ego may just need it.
Filed under Poems
Inner City Romance (Trigger Warning: Puns)
If you’re walking down the street
And peer into the gutter
And you see a man below
And your heart goes all aflutter
Know that you are not alone
And that he feels the same
And you can shout to him “Grate Scott!”
Because that is his name.
Filed under Poems
Four Types Of People In A Trenchcoat
Some people dress up like the past
And call it a renaissance fair.
Some people dress up like the future
And call it fashion week.
Some people dress up like the present
And they’re all just sort of there…
I don’t dress at all anymore
And just hope someone takes a peek.
Filed under Poems
But Have The Standards Risen Or Lowered?
Remember when having a car
And kinda playing the guitar
Meant you were the top percent of men?
Ah, the world was good back then!
Filed under Poems
