All the little animals
Of land and sea and air
Sought to find a one true love,
Their one and only pair.
The birds and bees, the cats and dogs,
The frogs and toads were one;
The hare and tortoise, horse and fly
Paired up and all was done.
Alas, when pairing finished
The axolotl was alone
Because instead of socializing
It wrote poems on its phone.
Filed under Poems
Upon the sofa down we sat,
Eating ice cream, happy, fat,
Eyes on the TV, wearing no pants:
This is my ideal of romance!
Filed under Poems
Today is the day if my birth,
When I first breathed the air of the Earth.
Because of my exodus
From my mom’s uterus
I now create poems with mirth.
Filed under Poems
If I were a young urban strawberry
Whose life on the streets turned to robbery
You might think my booty
Would be stabby or shooty
But nope! My violence is clobbery.
Filed under Poems
Another evening passes
Like methane from our asses,
Like the motorist that passes
Bicyclists, slow as molasses.
It passes like a buck
And the fact that I wrote buck
Means I’ll spare you from future rhymes
Because you already get the analogy.
Filed under Poems
If I had a hundred camels
And a thousand mules
I could buy your daughter’s love
‘Cause those are the nuptial rules.
But you’d demand a thousand camels
And diamonds by the sack
If I got to know your daughter
And wanted to give her back.
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Once there was a tired gent.
To bed went he; To sleep he went.
The other folks said “Mama Mia!”
For the bed he went was in Ikea.
Filed under Poems
One day I decided to climb a tree
So I started at the trunk
Then dug and dug through moss and dirt
Until my shovel said “thunk”.
And so I climbed on down the roots
Until I hit a molten core
And now you know who they make signs
With helpful pictures for!
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Today I was a prophetess
Who traveled with two mules
Slaying monsters o’er the realm
According to the rules.
I was struck down by a dwarf
After a clash of elder magic
Because I rolled the dice with death
And my results were tragic.
Four hours were by family spent
In quest for crown and glory.
After that, we ate pizza rolls
And thus endeth the story.
Filed under Poems
Men, you probably know by now
About romantic passion,
And how the ambiance before
Takes quite a bit to fashion.
One must say the secret words
To snare a woman’s heart
And have stamina and strength enough
To delay that tempting fart.
Tonight I learned another step
That our ancestors did
That promoted procreation:
They closed the piano keyboard lid.
Alas, I lacked their wisdom
And an Earth that might have shaken
Is now not more than legend
Thanks to the route the cat has taken.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 