Tag Archives: Silly

Pulling Out The Good…?

When Chinese people

Want to eat on fancy plates

What are those plates called?

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Then It Said It’s Name Was “Officer Jenkins” And That I Was “Under Arrest”

I sat down one evening

On a recliner

When a voice unkindly arose.

“I’m not a chair”

Called the voice through the air,

From the recliner I suppose.

Now most times I sit

That’s basically it.

Seldom do seats tell me “no.”

So I just have to say

If stuff goes on this way

We must ask how far it will go!

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There’s Someone For Everybody

I want you

Like vegan bacon,

Like rain on my birthday,

Like my car being towed.

I want you

Like an unreleased kraken,

Like a giant pet termite

Or a poisonous toad.

I want you

Like an IRS audit,

Like Buffy wanted

A vampire to slay.

Some might hate this poem

But I know you applaud it.

My wants may be wonky

But you like it that way.

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Whoopee!

Once in a while you pass something

That forever changes your life,

That frees you from discomfort

And gastronomic strife.

They come without much fanfare,

Just a single tiny toot,

And you don’t even mind

If the air they do pollute.

Every once in a while

You don’t know what to do

‘Til something in your gut

Will take the lead for you

And the winds that held you back

Now are broken. All is well.

All those who never knew you

Ask “who’s that?” And “what’s that smell?”

Did you ever know that you’re my hero,

The reason why my intestine sings?

All cheese I cut is for your glory!

You pass the wind beneath my wings.

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Dream Jobs

When I was a baby

I went to a farm

And learned about the origins of milk.

I was curious and asked

What happens if you’re tasked

With squeezing udders of the masculine cow’s ilk.

And when farmers laughed

And the parents cringed

I knew I’d stumbled on something good

And I knew when I grew up

I would be an artificial inseminator

Whether or not I really ought or should.

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New Perspectives

I once went to a market

For groceries I would buy

When a most unpleasant sight

Fell upon my naive eye.

I can only picture

What occurred before I came

As if the homeless had played poker

And they all had lost the game,

For beside the sidewalk entrance

Underneath the neon sign

Were a hundred empty carts

Neatly tucked into a line.

Somewhere in the city

There are those who’ve lost there way

So I beg you, steal back their carts

For justice! (Please obey)

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Hindsight Is 20/100

When I was ten

The world was bright.

The sun would wear a smile.

When I was twenty

The world was fun

And I ran a four-minute mile.

After I turned the thirty

The world was my oyster.

I was truly in the flow,

And now I’m ninety-eight years old

Being told “the memory’s first to go.”

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