Tag Archives: Silly

Fired From Hallmark… Again

Why’d the first flamingo think

“I’ll be flightless, awkward, pink?”

How’d the first hippo decide

To be as tall as it was wide?

Why did the first jackass choose

That name as the one to use?

You may wonder, so here’s a clue:

They all wanted to be like you!

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The True MVP!

When you’re young, people ask

“What do you want to be

“When you grow up,” and today

I found my answer (finally)!

I want to be the guy whose job’s

To be the obscure-stats fairy

And Google crap that nobody knows

And tell the guys doing commentary

So when the score is 12-8

In a game involving someone named “Lou”

Because of me you’ll know that hasn’t happened

Since 1962!

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The Lord Of The Rings

A while ago

There was a guy

Who dreamed of being

A fiery eye.

We don’t know why

He felt the need,

But we know that

He did succeed.

The problem with

Old fire-eye’s plot

Is that what he wanted

Others did not,

And so he hid

His power away

So after his death

He’d still be okay.

He put that power

In a magical ring

That got stolen by

A greedy king,

And that repeated

Several times

Through fire and snow

And temperate climes.

Then one day

Some fishing midgets

Found that ring

And asked “what ij it?”

One said “mine!”

The other said “no!”

And so the midgets

Came to blows.

The winning midget

Became a beast

Who hid in a cave

Eating Fancy Feast

Until more midgets

Came along,

Stole the ring,

And sang a song.

A few years later

There was peace

And the ring’s new owner’s

Male niece

Got the ring

As a birthday gift,

Met some elves,

And got a lift

To Rivendell

Where it was decided

Fire-eye’s ego

Had the land divided

And that the only

Thing to do

Was to break the ring

Of you-know-who.

The elves said that

The ring must be laid

In the Mordorian lava

In which it was made.

The dwarf said

“That’s a lot of work,”

Hit the ring with his axe

And looked like a jerk.

So midgets and co.

Went on a quest,

They got betrayed

And left the rest,

Wandered alone

To the volcano of doom

Where the trolls and orcs

Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”

While they did

The men, dwarves, and elves

Fought three hours of orc wars

All by themselves,

Had a romantic subplot

With the long-lost human heir

And the elven princess

With the CGI hair.

By now midgets passed fire-eye’s

Most fiery gazes

Then the ring-bearing midget

Had just one of his dazes,

Turned to his friend,

Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”

Then dumbass lost his finger

And it all turned out fine.

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And, Somewhere, A Naked Professor Sheds A Tear Over His Sushi And Immediately Regrets It…

If wishes were fishes

We’d eat way more trout,

If thoughts were diplomas

We’d have much more clout,

If logic were clothing

We’d mostly be nude,

But if teardrops were onions

We’d really be screwed.

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When Your Dream Job Is *This Close*

If I were a sniper

And also a duck

I’d rely on my training

And also my pluck

To take out a target

In one master stroke.

I’d let out a quack

When I see the guy croak.

Being a duck sniper

Some might call “fowl.”

But I could wear camo makeup

And maybe a cowl.

But alas I was born

With a bad lot of luck;

I could still be a sniper

But never a duck…

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Toto, We’re Not In Texas Anymore

Well the Honky-Tonks in Portland

Are heaven’s gift to me.

They’ll pour you out a microbrew

Called “stop animal cruelty.”

The bartender’s named “Yoga Matt.”

The piano man plays celeste.

Well, no, it’s not quite Texas

But Portland-Tonk’s the best.

They’ll serve you soymilk eggnog

Or an extra strong chai tea.

You can get your whiskey straight

Or LGQBT.

You can dance all night to new classics,

Maybe find yourself a dame.

It might be a guy but you don’t mind

‘Cause they all dress the same.

You needn’t fear a gunfight

‘Cause they’re gun-free zones.

If someone micro-aggresses you

You just tweet it and go home.

So come next Friday evening

You can braid your hair and beard

And come on down to Portland.

They’re non-gender-specific kings of weird!

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Shouldn’t We Be Celebrating Veteran’s Day By Now?

On the first day of Christmas

My true love gave to me

A holiday that lasted less than two months

That I didn’t have to hear or see.

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