Tag Archives: Competition

Play To Your Outs

If I played a chess game

With some super-intelligent flies

I think I’d probably win

On account of superior size.

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Jack said “I bet” I can hold

My breath longer than you.

We shook hands and I staked cash

Knowing it wasn’t true.

Then I inhaled and so did he

Our cheeks and chests puffed out

And we proceeded with not-breathing

With the hope of earning clout.

15 seconds later

We both were doing fine.

We both were getting tired

When we hit a minute nine.

The suffering really started

At a minute thirty-two

And when we hit two minutes

We  both had turned quite blue.

Another 30 seconds

And another after that.

Even though my name is Dave I

Hallucinated I was Matt.

A minute then another

Then an hour, then a week…

Neither of us dared exhale.

Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.

And when the comet hit the Earth

And brought the end of days

Jack and I, two zombies,

Saw the error of our ways.

We held our breath for eons,

‘Til the East became the West.

In our undeath we’ll break the tie

By seeing who can piss the best.

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See Spot Run

See spot run.

Spot runs fast

Because if Spot

Comes in last

Spot will lose

His family’s approval

Which will lead, in relation

To his house, his removal.

Spot enjoys

Not living on the street

So Spot runs fast.

Of foot, he is fleet.

Spot comes in second

Which Jane thinks is slick.

Alas, Spot’s owner

Is a Dick.

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The Competition

Nothing is flatter

Than pancake batter

Under a school bus

At sixty below.
That’s what I thought

‘Til I read your poetry.

Now batter looks better,

And that’s how things go.

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The Grander Slam

When my old buddy Steig
Joined the baseball league
I knew, although fatter,
I was the better batter.

So when he batted number one
And hit a home run
I didn’t give a damn,
And I hit a grand slam.

But Steig, I won’t lie,
He’s a competitive guy.
How can a guy like me save face
When Steig hit a grand slam with no runners on base?

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