There’s a zombie in the basement
And a dozen in the alley
And the news says they are spreading
Through the mountain and the valley,
Just a moaning and a eating
Brains and animals galore.
From sea to shining sea’s awash
With tears and sweat and gore.
And here I am in slippers
Eating chili and having a snooze
Because I had the foresight
To then off the evening news.
Filed under Poems
If you were a mother and became a zombie
And started a life with you lil zombaby
Unlife would seem great when you lurch from the hearse
‘Til it’s time for the zombaby to nurse…
Filed under Poems
‘Twas on a night near end of Spring
When I was asked to write a thing
Describing how the flowers bloomed
Even though humanity’s doomed.
“Roses are red“, so started my verse
“And violets are blue, unlike that hearse.”
And then I decided since I’d end up dead
To quit writing poems and play golf instead.
So wrote a lesser poet just days
Before he was eaten by the undead horde.
When apocalypse comes, I’ll struggle in ways
But never complain that, when writing, I’m bored.
Filed under Poems
I think zombies are romantic
And want to woo each other
With a dinner and a movie
Before they meet their partner’s mother
But the zombies get so busy
With the “having dinner part”
That they never get to see a piece
Of cinematic art.
If we give a discount
To the undead, I suspect
There will be a sharp decrease
In the number of lives they wrecked.
We need to get our zombies
To fulfill their hearts’ desires
So welcome them with open arms
Instead of killing them with fires.
Filed under Poems
You know what would be really good
To see come out of Hollywood?
How ‘bout a film where a zombie guy
Sees a zombie gal that catches his eye.
They fall in love, they thrust and moan,
They buy a house without a loan,
And then the local HOA
Tells the two to move away.
Then the zombie couple fights
For many days and many nights
Wave after wave of humans who
Care only for their home’s value.
And after all is said and done
The humans die, the zombies won,
They adopt the human kids as equals
And thus ensure a lot of sequels.
It’s a wholesome tale of why
One’s choice to not completely die
Does not invalidate one’s worth…
Stars Emma Stone and Colin Firth.
Filed under Poems
Nine out of ten people agree
A zombie apocalypse would be bad,
And yet there are folks you will see
Who think such a plague is rad.
What I really want to know
Is whether those with necrophilia
Would be more or less turned on
By moving corpses that can kill ya…
Filed under Poems
Some zombies caught diseases
That made them long for brains.
Some are raised by the magic
That a necromancer trains.
Some become a zombie for
No reason we can see
But most zombies decided
To major in sociology.
Filed under Poems
What if there were a fairy tale
In which a handsome knight
Went off to save a princess
On his steed of pearly white
But when he leaned to kiss her
And woke her from her sleep
She turned into a zombie
And ate the patriarchal creep?
Filed under Poems
Jack said “I bet” I can hold
My breath longer than you.
We shook hands and I staked cash
Knowing it wasn’t true.
Then I inhaled and so did he
Our cheeks and chests puffed out
And we proceeded with not-breathing
With the hope of earning clout.
15 seconds later
We both were doing fine.
We both were getting tired
When we hit a minute nine.
The suffering really started
At a minute thirty-two
And when we hit two minutes
We both had turned quite blue.
Another 30 seconds
And another after that.
Even though my name is Dave I
Hallucinated I was Matt.
A minute then another
Then an hour, then a week…
Neither of us dared exhale.
Our lungs just wouldn’t leak.
And when the comet hit the Earth
And brought the end of days
Jack and I, two zombies,
Saw the error of our ways.
We held our breath for eons,
‘Til the East became the West.
In our undeath we’ll break the tie
By seeing who can piss the best.
Filed under Poems
I sang a song of love and peace
So thankful for the fallen.
I knew that those beyond the grave
Could surely hear my callin’.
And thus the unknown soldier
And the deceased cream of the crop
Made humankind better once more
By asking me to stop.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 