Best Wishes From Everything You’ve Ever Signed

I lay in bed one humid eve

When through the window came

A mysterious hooded figure

With neither face nor name.

He tied me to my bedframe,

Shaved my head and ate my food,

Downloaded my shopping preferences

And data about my mood.

He stole my cash and passwords

And he burned all my receipts

Then showed me banner advertisements

For Sprint and flannel sheets.

He listened to my phone calls

And sold recordings to Taiwan.

These unusual torments

Lasted all the way ’til dawn.

He changed my LinkedIn profile

And made me look inept,

Then left a calling card which said

“Read before you click Accept.”