Tag Archives: True Story

The REAL Cause of Global Warming (and How to Fix It)

Before the internet was made

Antarctica was nice:

Just peaceful people chilling

On an endless sheet of ice.

But after wifi came along

Antarctica, once fine,

Fell immediately into

Inescapable decline

Because one lonely penguin

(Or perhaps a polar bear)

Signed on to ye olde internet

Just to see what’s there.

That was when the searcher

Received the first and fatal clue:

“Are you feeling lonely?

“Check out hot singles near you.”

Now I am not a penguin

(Nor am I a polar bear)

But whatever sorry animal saw

The advertisement there

Went looking for hot singles

Due to loneliness they felt,

Not thinking that the hotness

Just might cause the ice to melt.

Now we find Antarctica

Is little more than ocean

Because of one’s animal needs

(At least that is my notion).

So if we want the glaciers back

And want to stop tides rising

My must delete the internet

(At least that’s my surmising).

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Tomato, Tomahtow

My sister called me self-disciplined.

I said, “I don’t know what you mean.”

She said, “You publish a poem EVERY DAY.”

I said, “That’s just low standards and a routine!”

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Self-Portrait as Crappy Little Beach

It’s forty-seven Fahrenheit;

The sky and I are gray.

No one smart will sunbathe nude

On my poor sand today.

The waves are lapping loudly

Redefining what I am:

I’m a crappy little beach

In a town called Bellingham.

Observing me are humans,

Ages 3 to ninety-five

And a pair of lazy seagulls

Simply glad to be alive.

My face is made of footprints

Carved from mud and little feet

And a single tiny castle

Built in days when there was heat.

A single browning leaf still flies

Above the tiny moat,

Unnoticed by the passerby

Who try not to emote.

Beside me are some benches

With some names carved on their backs

Of love too poor or humble

To be featured on the plaques.

A lovely woman sits on me

With eyes locked on her phone,

Avoiding passing glances

Though she’s scared to be alone.

I’m here in every season

And I listen when you talk,

Supporting you in silence

As upon my back you walk.

I’ll be here with the sunset

And I’ll welcome you at dawn.

I’m a crappy little beach

Here until you’re long since gone.

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The Edge of Seventeen

There’s a lake just off the freeway

That I went to with a girl

And we sat beside the water,

Feeding nature to a squirrel.

We made noises with our mouths

And made each other laugh,

Then we got someone to feed us

And we only paid for half.

We saw folks in real pain

Pretend to hurt in different ways

While on a screen and in the guise

Of whatever film’s the craze.

Then I drove backwards up a hill

To drop her off at almost nowhere.

I think about her every time

I see that lake, but never go there.

Such is love and such is life

For one who sees the sun at night,

Who, knowing how they hunger so,

Gladly lets the bedbugs bite.

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Deuteronomy 23:2

Last night I read the Bible

‘Cause I was just that bored.

Apparently, “No one whose testicles have been crushed

Or whose penis has been cut off

May be admitted into the company of the Lord.”

So when you settle differences

With fists, and feet as well,

Just remember, a kick to the balls

Is literally a ticket to Hell!

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Mixed Messages (AKA The Power of Marketing)

I read a few websites today

And thought I’d share a list

Of just a few quotations

That I now know exist.

The following will not be rhymed

Because they’re exact quotes;

The twist shall be revealed in time

So no need to take notes:

“We fight for clarity and truth telling. We fight for a world that we want our children to live in.”

“We also promote an aggressive search for and use of non-polluting and clean energy sources such as solar, wind, and clean fossil fuels.”

“We respect the right of homeowners and that no one should ever be forced from their home for the non payment of taxes.”

“We support all U.S. veterans. We should find those that are missing and take care of those who have come home.”

“We affirm our humanity, our contributions to this society, and our resilience in the face of deadly oppression.”

“We declare freedom is humanity’s highest ideal, and no cost is too great to ensure liberty and justice.”

“We disrupted business as usual and impacted the world. Thank you to our organizers, our supporters, and our allies.”

“We have fought like hell for our freedom and we will continue to fight like hell. Because we deserve more than we have been given. Because we deserve the healing and the transformation and most importantly we deserve to be free.”

So who are these idealists

Who write impassioned pleas

With hope that everyone will know

The world their author sees?

Some are from “Black Lives Matter.”

The rest are from the KKK.

One of them I just made up,

So happy research day!

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Origin Story

Once upon a space and time

A man who was not paid to rhyme

Devoted much attention to

Forcing his “humor” on you.

He spent a day amidst his folks

Without thinking of rhyming jokes.

The last two days he’d been lazy

So to slack off now would make him crazy.

Thus he started writing, it’s said

When a title popped into his head.

What he’d written did not fit

But he did not not give a… spit.

Anyway, I’m writing still

Although perhaps I battle uphill.

Yes, the tense is present now

And I wipe sweat from my brow.

(Even though my brow is sweatless

I actually wiped it. That’s how much I get this).

If you’ve seen this, you have read it.

This is why most poets edit.

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My 100% True Treatise On My American Patriotism

I was born in Colorado,

Learned my talkin’ in Kentucky,

Grew up in Northwest Washington

Which, although American, is Canucky.

Now a man who makes a living

Rhyming mediocre comedy

I lie in bed listening to the sounds

Of patriotic hymns from Ireland.

My heart’s in Limerick,

My mind’s in Dublin,

My eyes see Antrims and see Galways!

I am in a kilt

(Yes, I know that’s Scotland)

And I’ll praise green, white, and orange for always!

Then the youtube algorithm

Plays me “God Defend New Zealand”

And the Maori spirit rips the kilt away

And I walk with hobbits in the free land!

Misty mountains, patriotic,

Connect two hemispheres within me…

That’s until I hear the opening chords

Of the Russian anthem start to win me.

Now Haggis, Borscht, Poutine, and Kiwis

Are all chicken-fried in my spirit

And I only wish that the Star-Spangled Banner

Were a song that made me want to hear it.

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Sometime In The 1800’s Maybe?

Once upon a time

A guy tried something new

For no reason besides

To see what stuff would do.

Afterwards he used

What he found as an appliance

And thus was born the toaster

And, with it, modern science.

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