Tag Archives: Truth

The Best Video Game Story Since Tetris

I lived in a two-story house.

The upper floor was mine.

I told my mom “I’m moving out.”

She said “you’re 10, so that’s fine.”

I tried to leave my little town

But an old man happened to see

And called “don’t go into the grass.”

Then ordered “follow me!”

I walked back with him to his lab

Where he forgot his grandson’s name

And gave me a living vegetable

That some people think is lame.

The old guy’s grandson challenged me

To a battle without gore

And I showed the power of friendship

Via my brand-new bulbasaur.

From that point on my journey

Is a blur of fallen foes

From Brock, Misty, and zubats

To a couple missingnos.

Somehow grandson Noname

Was always a step ahead

But I met him in Vermillion

And made his Raticate dead.

Then I beat organized crime,

Filled an encyclopedia,

Became the champion of the world

Without even leech-seeding ya’.

I am in fact the very best

So between you and me

I think the secret to success

Is skipping puberty.

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But Both Are Equally Boring When Presented By The Intellectual Elite

I questioned the need

For vagina monologues.

Why we needed them was a mystery.

Then I realized

That the penis dialogues

Was basically just all of history.

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Seven Crappy Little Poems I Wrote At 11:48 Last Night

Confederate Secrets

A lot of slaves were literate

Or so I’ve been told.

I wonder if they ever read

“Chicken Soup for the Sold?”

America’s Digital Security

Obama’s password:

PASSORD

Note: No “W”

Our Beloved President

Since I have a Lamborghini

They don’t care that my dick’s teeny.

Facebook

I like… like “like-like…”

Liking, like, likes I, like, like.

You’re, like, welcome. lol

Christian Bakeries

I was going to buy a baguette

But they thought I was a faggot.

Nothing awful happened though.

They kept their bread. I kept my dough.

Technically Accurate…

If you like corn on the cob

There’s a very small chance you’re part of the mob.

Hell

If you want a drink in Hell

You’ll find you have to go

To that one drinking fountain

With the insufficient flow,

And French-kiss the rusty spigot

That’s soaking wet with drool.

Satan got the idea

From your local middle school.

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Hint: Probably Someone In Florida

Who drove by a lemonade stand

And thought about it later

And decided, instead of lemons,

The -ade would be better with gators?

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Yet We Know All About Sea Cucumber Reproduction…

If you took the Bible

And replaced the words “Mommy, look!”

With “I like to eat babies”

You’d have the very same book.

The same can be said for “Croissant,”

And “Wherefore art thou Juliet.”

I find it quite surprising

No one’s written a thesis on this yet.

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Maybe It Tasted Good A Few Years Ago?

I want a sandwich

With clams, beets, and garlic

Sprinkled with liver and thyme

Topped with two scoops

Of pistachio ice cream

And the zest of a two-week-old lime

All smeared on a loaf

Of gluten-free flatbread

Served on a hard rubber plate.

You get it when you order

A nice BLT.

I call it “The Internet Date.”

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Bad Language?

Eye halve know aye Dia

Howe thoughs hoo dew knot no

How-to spellin’ English

Kant fig your it out, sew

Threw this Han dee poem

I salve Mai own dill Emma.

Hi expect, inn learning spannish

Their Will bee Noooooo! problema.

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