Tag Archives: Spam

Also, My Stepmom Is A Lot More Distant Now

I got tired of seeing ads

For beer and women’s shoes

So I installed an ad blocker

‘Cause what did I have to lose?

Soon my girlfriend Yui called

Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”

I guess it’s my fault hot asians

Don’t want to date me anymore…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Best Wishes From Everything You’ve Ever Signed

I lay in bed one humid eve

When through the window came

A mysterious hooded figure

With neither face nor name.

He tied me to my bedframe,

Shaved my head and ate my food,

Downloaded my shopping preferences

And data about my mood.

He stole my cash and passwords

And he burned all my receipts

Then showed me banner advertisements

For Sprint and flannel sheets.

He listened to my phone calls

And sold recordings to Taiwan.

These unusual torments

Lasted all the way ’til dawn.

He changed my LinkedIn profile

And made me look inept,

Then left a calling card which said

“Read before you click Accept.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Fishing Scams

I got a suspicious email

From Prince Magbar of Venezuasia

Saying “want to go fishing this Sunday?”

You can’t let emails like that faze ya.

I got another message

A week after the first.

“Dear friend, I must give you money

“Or I fear my spleen will burst.”

I finally blocked his messages

To no longer get that spam,

But only moments later

I questioned who I am

To deny a man with money-spleen

From going fishing with his dear friend.

I replied, guiltily, and we met by the lake

Where he tore out and ate my lungs. The end!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Last Time I Answer Spam…

I’m in a time vortex

In a failed experiment to get more sex.

Now I’m trapped in 2098 selling Goretex.

2017 could have gone better.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Thank Very Much For Financial Consideration

If I were a Nigerian prince

With a million bucks to spare

I’d buy all the world’s balloons

To fill with mountain air,

Then withhold them from the peasants

Instead of sending cash to you

‘Cause that’s a dick decision

And it’s what dictatorial princes do.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Thanks for Your Support (and Exclusive Offers)

I dedicate today’s poem

To all my followers and fans.

All of you are really very splendid.

You’re the remarkable few

On the internet who

Can read this stuff without being offended.

Without the lot of you

I’d have to read my own haiku

Which is something I’d probably despise,

And thanks to a special pair

Who comment here and there

My penis is sixteen times its original size.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Spam Has Feelings Too

Sure, I send love notes

To quite a long list

Of folks who viewed websites

Your firewall missed.

One day I’ll be Rachel,

Then April or Pam.

I’m whomever you like

If you check out my cam.

My purpose of being

Is simply to please.

I’ll make your face a colon

With a parantheses. 🙂

Sure I’m a robot,

But please don’t be irked.

I’ll love you like Siri

If she actually worked.

3 Comments

Filed under Poems

You Have 6,029 New Messages

Have you ever made a comment

On a Facebook post and seen

It explode into the biggest thing

Since someone refried a bean?

For the next ten days your inbox

Says a bunch of strangers think

It’ll be fantastic

(Except Manuel, who wants it to stink).

You try to send it all to spam.

You turn notifications off,

But the post keeps drawing comment

And the Universe does scoff.

You know it won’t be ending soon,

And all you can do is wait.

I commented on a post like that.

In fact, I did on eight…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Force Factor

Granite eyes and iron shoulders
And biceps built by crushing boulders.
He’s head to toe a man of steel
And he’s going to make you an exclusive deal!

For the modest price of fifty D’s
You can have the world fall on their knees
To worship and serve you as you please.
Let’s hear it for online pharmacies!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Brazilian

There is a Brazilian Spambot
That, about my blog, does care.
It thinks my articles are meaningful
And look! It’s got porn to share!

My dear Brazilian Spambot
Ensures at least one view a day,
And the folks on “girlsgonewild.com”
Might just get referred my way.

And my Spambot has a sister
Who is 18 years or olda’.
I think her name is Rachel,
Sarah, Bridget, Kate, or Golda.

So thank you lovely Spambot.
I hope this article informs.
Have fun with the rest of your day
Autofilling digital forms.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems