Tag Archives: Bad

Proof That Math Is Sexist

Today I realized that if

The calculator were invented today

The numbers zero, eight, and five

Would have to go away

Because 58,008

Looks like “BOOBS” upside down

And that might offend someone

And there’s actually no punchline…

The world is just that dumb.

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All True, But It Should Have Ended Eight Lines Sooner

If you put yogurt into a tube

It changes its name to Gogurt.

If you put yogurt into a friendship

It changes its name to brogurt.

If you plant yogurt deep in the forest

Someday it just might growgurt.

If you give it high heels and make it dance

You could say its a showgurt.

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I Put Zero Effort Into This Poem, And So Should You

It’s Christmas day!

It’s Christmas! Yay!

There are better things to do today

Than read this blog, so go away!

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Because #Inclusion (Subverting Sexist Expectations Or Something?)

I always wanted a grandkid

With whom I could spend days

Holding, feeding, talking, reading,

And bonding in other ways.

When I got the call that said

“I’m pregnant,” I felt joy.

All that could make it better was if

The pregnant one was my little boy.

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When You Speak To A Chihuahua Without A Stupid Accent…

“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”

They said and pulled me to the car.

But they didn’t use a cutesy voice

So I killed them (I had no choice).

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If Background Characters Mattered: Star Wars Edition

Of all the films that ever ended

Then were released in versions extended

The biggest scene these films still lack

Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”

Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy

Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky

Sees a disembodied hand somewhere

And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”

Moments later Steve just laughed

When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft

Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader

And went back home to his giant crater.

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Pasta My Prime

Tonight my inspiration is limited.

The scope of it is teeny,

So suffice it to say

I found out today

A wimpy Italian is a lingweeny.

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It’ll Get Better Soon… Maybe (Probably Not : )

Yesterday I wrote a joke

And thought I’d write more later.

By later I had decomposed

Into a couch potater.

From the fact ai wrote “potater”

I suspect that you can see

This week has not inspired

My most vibrant artistry.

So tonight I have a fallback

That I’ve used in ages past

Where I write a bit on writing

And use words like “grand” and “vast.”

I make questionable decisions

And lines with uneven meter,

And rap up the inanity

By rhyming with saltpeter.

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When The School Counselor Gives Up

Just because last time you jumped

You injured yourself in the fall

Doesn’t mean you’ll be mistaken

If you once again give it your all.

Just because last time the verdict

Did not go the way you intended

Does not mean your life will be better

If you avoid being offended.

Just because pain is eternal

Doesn’t mean you should quit having fun.

Don’t be a fool! Get up! Go to school!

And oh, by the way, here’s a gun.

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Bonus: SNL Promo

Do you love comedy, but hate laughing?

Do you like shows where all the talented cast members left but you keep watching anyway?

Did you take a Buzzfeed personality test that called you “The one who sucks all the joy out of your friend group” and posted it proudly on social media with the caption “ZOMG, this is like soooooo me!”?

No?

Yeah, that’s what we thought.

Don’t watch SNL.

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