Tag Archives: Bad

Dear Oldest Child:

Sometimes when mommy’s frisky

And dad’s not watching porn

They send you on a playdate

And another kid is born.

This new kid is a baby,

Just a lump of hungry fat

That cries and poops and sleeps a lot

And not much more than that.

Luckily for the species

But not luckily for you

That baby will get bigger

And eventually turn two.

At this point, the parents

Who loved you when you were little

Will downgrade you, unknowingly,

To the meanest second fiddle.

They’ll love all over new kid

Because, sadly, the fact is

As the oldest child you are

The one on which they’ll practice.

You will need to get straight A’s…

New kid will soar on C’s.

You will beg for any love…

New kid will just say “please.”

Yes, this seems unfair to you

But someday you will see

That this kid turns invisible

When mom has baby 3.

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Remember 2009? Good Times!

It’s been 6 months since Trump got out

And despite the recent talks

Of hyperinflation, unemployment,

A border crisis, plunging stocks,

A gas pipeline disaster,

Covid deaths yet unabated,

And all the buildings burnt to ash

By those who “demonstrated”

We can all be thankful

That our country’s back on track.

In other news: Pot charged with hate speech

For calling Kettle black.

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Idioms, Like Pubic Hair, Are Better When Short

When life gives you lemons

You make lemonade

Then you give it to children

Who sell it and get paid

Then give you their money

Which your wife will then spend

And life gives you more lemons

And when will it end?

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With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility… For About 90 Milliseconds Before You Dissolve

I’m not just an average Tom, Dick, or Harry.

I’m a powerful person. How powerful? Very!

I quit being an average Harry-Dick-Tom

When I was bit by a radioactive nuclear bomb!

Now in my blood a great power is pulsing

And my every finer of being is convulsing

Until, like a hero, I burst into flame

And fly into the air and learn power is lame.

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The FBI Limerick

There once was a [redacted] from [redacted]

Who really [redacted] with [redacted].

He [redacted] one day

In a [redacted] way

And [redacted] [redacted] his anus.

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I’m Not One Of The Sheep… I’m Just The Pasture

You know those tests they give you

That tell your dream career?

There’s been an innovation

In those tests, or so I hear.

They’ve found 80 percent or more

Of testers’ perfect jobs

Are members of unthinking

And mostly peaceful violent mobs.

I didn’t think about it much

When first I heard the news,

But when I took the test myself

I had to change my views.

I scored, not as a rioter,

But a guy who owns a store

That sells lightweight TVs and food

In downtown Baltimore.

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Why I Don’t Work At Honda Anymore

I think a good name

For a model of car

Is “Starving African Child

“From Madagascar.”

The reason for this

I’d explain at a meeting:

One’s fast due to engines

And one fasts by not eating.

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Ham Covered In Sugar, Anyone?

Easter is the day a rabbit brings

Chocolate, eggs, and other things

To all the children with rich parents

And even to the folks named Clarence.

The bunny is a major hit

Among the kids for bringing shit.

They do not know it’s master plan…

The pigs do, and they’re not a fan.

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Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed

Ladies: I am five-foot-two,

Bald, and overweight

With a salary four figures long

And a commemorative bowling plate.

Now sure, I know you’re thinking

“Does he know how bad that sounds?”

Well… if they circumcised me

I would lose 100 pounds…

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Proof That Cutting Your Dick Off Is Heroic

When a guy decides he’d rather be female

And undergoes surgery, then

I think they become the most powerful mutants

Because, after all, they’re ex-men.

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