Today I realized that if
The calculator were invented today
The numbers zero, eight, and five
Would have to go away
Looks like “BOOBS” upside down
And that might offend someone
And there’s actually no punchline…
The world is just that dumb.
If you put yogurt into a tube
It changes its name to Gogurt.
If you put yogurt into a friendship
It changes its name to brogurt.
If you plant yogurt deep in the forest
Someday it just might growgurt.
If you give it high heels and make it dance
You could say its a showgurt.
It’s Christmas day!
It’s Christmas! Yay!
There are better things to do today
Than read this blog, so go away!
I always wanted a grandkid
With whom I could spend days
Holding, feeding, talking, reading,
And bonding in other ways.
When I got the call that said
“I’m pregnant,” I felt joy.
All that could make it better was if
The pregnant one was my little boy.
“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”
They said and pulled me to the car.
But they didn’t use a cutesy voice
So I killed them (I had no choice).
Of all the films that ever ended
Then were released in versions extended
The biggest scene these films still lack
Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”
Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy
Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky
Sees a disembodied hand somewhere
And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”
Moments later Steve just laughed
When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft
Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader
And went back home to his giant crater.
Tonight my inspiration is limited.
The scope of it is teeny,
So suffice it to say
I found out today
A wimpy Italian is a lingweeny.
Yesterday I wrote a joke
And thought I’d write more later.
By later I had decomposed
Into a couch potater.
From the fact ai wrote “potater”
I suspect that you can see
This week has not inspired
My most vibrant artistry.
So tonight I have a fallback
That I’ve used in ages past
Where I write a bit on writing
And use words like “grand” and “vast.”
I make questionable decisions
And lines with uneven meter,
And rap up the inanity
By rhyming with saltpeter.
Just because last time you jumped
You injured yourself in the fall
Doesn’t mean you’ll be mistaken
If you once again give it your all.
Just because last time the verdict
Did not go the way you intended
Does not mean your life will be better
If you avoid being offended.
Just because pain is eternal
Doesn’t mean you should quit having fun.
Don’t be a fool! Get up! Go to school!
And oh, by the way, here’s a gun.
Do you love comedy, but hate laughing?
Do you like shows where all the talented cast members left but you keep watching anyway?
Did you take a Buzzfeed personality test that called you “The one who sucks all the joy out of your friend group” and posted it proudly on social media with the caption “ZOMG, this is like soooooo me!”?
Yeah, that’s what we thought.
Don’t watch SNL.