Tag Archives: Bad

It’ll Get Better Soon… Maybe (Probably Not : )

Yesterday I wrote a joke

And thought I’d write more later.

By later I had decomposed

Into a couch potater.

From the fact ai wrote “potater”

I suspect that you can see

This week has not inspired

My most vibrant artistry.

So tonight I have a fallback

That I’ve used in ages past

Where I write a bit on writing

And use words like “grand” and “vast.”

I make questionable decisions

And lines with uneven meter,

And rap up the inanity

By rhyming with saltpeter.

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When The School Counselor Gives Up

Just because last time you jumped

You injured yourself in the fall

Doesn’t mean you’ll be mistaken

If you once again give it your all.

Just because last time the verdict

Did not go the way you intended

Does not mean your life will be better

If you avoid being offended.

Just because pain is eternal

Doesn’t mean you should quit having fun.

Don’t be a fool! Get up! Go to school!

And oh, by the way, here’s a gun.

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Bonus: SNL Promo

Do you love comedy, but hate laughing?

Do you like shows where all the talented cast members left but you keep watching anyway?

Did you take a Buzzfeed personality test that called you “The one who sucks all the joy out of your friend group” and posted it proudly on social media with the caption “ZOMG, this is like soooooo me!”?

No?

Yeah, that’s what we thought.

Don’t watch SNL.

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After Colonoscopy Comes Horoscopy

The nurse said “I’m Aquarius!”

The lab tech said “I’m Virgo!”

I said “I’m a Cancer!”

The doctor said “I know.”

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Okay Zoomer

In the future, little kids

Will visit their Grandma’s houses

And bring along 3D-printed candy

And all four of their spouses

And in between rounds of “Doom 35”

Grandma will tell the tale

Of how when she was a little boy

It was hip to say “epic fail.”

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New England Whalers (I Looked It Up)

Since I’m now in the habit

Of poems that are quick:

Whoever named Sperm Whales

Was really a dick.

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I’m Sleepy, You Have Low Expectations… Let’s Compromise

Brevity is a virtue…

Perfect rhyming too

I have one of those

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Excuses, Excuses (Published August 20th Wink wink yay time zones)

Tonight I went to Alaska

In my imagination

For a very lively

Nine-minute vacation.

The reason that I took

Was to say that it’s alright

And my daily streak’s unbroken

Thanks to an imaginary flight.

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The Minority Excel

Plenty of folks can come up with jokes,

But fewer deliver them well,

Many a person can think up a product,

But few of those products can sell,

A whole host can fail at many endeavors

But few of them fail with grace,

And prisons are full of a criminal plenty

But most of them share the same race.

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I Did Not Plan This, But I’m Not Mad

Today I drive a long, long time

So you’ll have to settle for yesterday’s rhyme

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