Tag Archives: Bad

All I Want For Christmas…

If you ever give me a puppy

I want you to name it “Trollop”

So I can shout “Trollop”

At the top of my lungs in the park

And not go to prison.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

A Poem Is…

A vague sentence

Full of supercilious words

Spread out asymmetrically

Over multiple

Lines,

Rhyming

Optional.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

There Is No Hidden Meaning. You’re Welcome.

I met an Indian guy on Tinder,

A philosopher named Deepinder.

I couldn’t understand most of what he said

So he said “Date my brother Shallowinder instead.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

First, Do No Harm

Today I’ve done nothing

But sit on my butt.

I woke up, closed the blinds,

Checked the door (locked and shut)

Then reveled for hours

Of sedentary bliss

Never once caring

About what I might miss.

And as nothing happened

For a fair bit of time

I had no new ideas

And committed no crime,

Consumed no nutrition

And didn’t make noise,

And somehow refrained

From molesting young boys.

I didn’t feel sadness,

Nor did I have fun

So for sunday the score is:

Catholics: 0, Poet: 1

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Want Some Drink With Dose Fries?

The french-fried potatoes

That I bought from Wendy’s

Are covered in tattoos

And wear pants around their knees,

They complain about white privilege

And say “sup” instead of “hey.”

That’s when I remembered

That today is black fry day.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

Obligatory Thanksgiving Poem

Today’s the day we give our thanks

To those who made the lending banks

Who’ll help us spend the day to come

By buying stuff until we’re numb.

We’ll also eat some spuds and birds

As we exchange our thankful words,

Then look outside and see the sweet

Bright lights of Christmas across the street.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

But Please Don’t

If I were a flamingo, um…

You wouldn’t be reading this poem.

If I were a beaver

You wouldn’t be reading it either.

If I were a yak

You’d have the last 10 seconds back.

But alas I am a human

So if you want to sue me, you can.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems