Tag Archives: Bad

The Problem With Seeing Eye Dogs

My puppy seemed a little lax

So I whipped out his leash and snacks

And hooked him up and took a run

Down past Forever 21.

The air was crisp with breaking dawn.

We passed some neighbors looking on

And heads came out of every door

To see my puppy, lax no more.

We passed the diner and laundromat.

We passed gas stations (and giggled at that).

We jogged the park and strolled the street

To get my pup to pickup his feet.

I took my puppy for a walk

Around and round a city block

And all the while people said

“You’re sick, you freak! Your dog is dead!”

But we got home all safe and sound

And I unleashed my weary hound

And scratched good boy behind his ears

And then he napped for 15 years.

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Oregon Love (Or Why you Shouldn’t Settle For The First Pretty Face)

Her eyes were blue as Crater Lake,

Her breasts were like Mount Hood.

Her hair fell like Multnomah Falls

And all these things were good.

I held her hand and felt as big

And strong as Haystack Rock

Until my wife came home that night

And smacked me with her cock.

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When Friends Need To Vent

If you feel empty inside

Just take away the “E”

And you can feel mpty instead.

Or, alternatively

Take away the “Y”

And feel emp-t (and misled).

If you take away

The “E,” “P,” and “Y”

You feel mt, and that’s fine.

But if you say nothing

Your words won’t be empty

And we won’t have to hear you whine.

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How To Politely Decline An Invitation To Dinner

Some people like chicken,

Some people like pork,

Some people like tofu

Impaled on their fork.

Some people like rabbit,

Some people like goat,

But no one likes you

And that’s all she wrote.

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Oh Yeah, I Went There

Life gave one guy lemons

And life gave the next guy a kid.

The first guy made some lemonade.

You don’t wanna know what the second guy did…

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When You’ve Only Written Crappy Four-Line Poems For A Week But You’re Still Not Inspired…

Vegans are the greatest photographers

The world has ever seen

Because instead of saying “Cheese”

They say “Emulsified Pea Protein.”

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I’m Just Gonna Let This Hang Here…

Swords have cross-guards,

Hammers have heads,

And NFL cornerbacks

Often have dreads.

Movies have releases

And novels have printin’s,

But why can’t Taylor Swift

Have some dirt on the Clintons?

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