Tag Archives: Bad

Whoopee!

Once in a while you pass something

That forever changes your life,

That frees you from discomfort

And gastronomic strife.

They come without much fanfare,

Just a single tiny toot,

And you don’t even mind

If the air they do pollute.

Every once in a while

You don’t know what to do

‘Til something in your gut

Will take the lead for you

And the winds that held you back

Now are broken. All is well.

All those who never knew you

Ask “who’s that?” And “what’s that smell?”

Did you ever know that you’re my hero,

The reason why my intestine sings?

All cheese I cut is for your glory!

You pass the wind beneath my wings.

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Dream Jobs

When I was a baby

I went to a farm

And learned about the origins of milk.

I was curious and asked

What happens if you’re tasked

With squeezing udders of the masculine cow’s ilk.

And when farmers laughed

And the parents cringed

I knew I’d stumbled on something good

And I knew when I grew up

I would be an artificial inseminator

Whether or not I really ought or should.

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An Only-Somewhat-Exaggerated Tale Of Today (Dedicated To Seth)

Today I drove a thousand miles

From WA to San Jose,

With a bunch of flaming morons

Tailgating me the whole way,

Weaving through the traffic

Like quilters yearning for death

All behind a mini cooper

Going 20 (License Plate: IMSETH).

As I recline, safe somehow,

On my Californian bed

A realization formed inside

My woeful weary head.

I-5 South, the freeway

A thousand miles through crazyville

Should better be renamed

The route of all evil.

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The Terrible Luck Of Being Born Into Non-Dysfunctional Cultural Paradigms

Yesterday, on Facebook,

I saw an event

That a friend wanted to,

In the future, say they went.

It was a play by Young Jean Lee

Called “Straight White Men,”

And, somewhere in my soul

I thought “Lord, not again!”

So I read the description

Of this play, ’cause ’twas late.

It said “a comedy about the people

“Who we all love to hate.”

Now that was enlightening,

And since then I’ve learned

Racism’s when white men feel good

About all that they’ve earned.

So as a straight white man

Who lives in a place

Where the windows aren’t broken

And walls aren’t defaced,

Where all violent crimes

Are, in general, rare,

I learned that such luxuries

Just aren’t fair.

I learned that I’m “privileged,”

‘Cause my life doesn’t suck,

That I’m not a poor druggy

Quite simply by luck,

That my checking account

Still has money to spare

Not because of good choices

But because life’s not fair.

Straight white men are evil

For being ourselves.

We should donate our homes

To black people or elves.

Up ’til now I’ve lived honestly,

Tried to do what was right.

I see now that’s impossible

Because I am white!

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Is My Bed The Nicest Place On Earth, Or Is It Just Tuesday?

Two feet from where I’m sitting

There’s a mighty gale I hear.

I thought a bird hit my window,

But turns out it was a deer.

At the zoo a fish died (drowning)

And some penguins froze to death.

A politician stopped complaining

And turns out nothing rhymes with “death.”

I watched a Chris Rock movie

And not one person cussed

And in exactly fifteen minutes

I have to leave to catch the bus.

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A Friendly Poem For The Boss On Your Last Day

For all of the work

U’ve put into my life,

Can I ever thank you enough?

Kause of you I can say

Yeah, life’s terrible, but hey! Now I

Own a whole lot more stuff!

Ur name here <~~~~

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My High School Love Life

The car windows are steamy.

My chest is warm and bare.

My fingers tingle, running

Gently through her golden hair.

Her chin is in my fingers

And I pull her lips to mine.

Our tongues do dance a tango

That defines the word divine.

I pause, she gasps and whimpers

But I say “I’ll be back soon.”

I step into the parking lot

Beneath the crescent moon.

I can read “humane society”

Despite the evening fog.

I tell the clerk “I’ll take her,”

And that’s how I met my dog.

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