Tag Archives: Creepy

Six Feet Apart

I saw you in your sweatpants

And your Hello Kitty mask.

Yours was the sort of presence

In which a man might bask,

But basking’s off the table

Even though it breaks my heart.

I’ll just have to admire you

From at least six feet apart!

Yeah you were hauling groceries

Into your healthy home

From which, save for essentials,

You could not, for some time, roam.

You made my dreams come true just by

Returning from the mart.

With this telescope it doesn’t seem

Like we’re six feet apart!

And when you spend your days inside

Just watching your TV

No one in your house wears pants

Which means there’s room for me.

I send you morse-code love notes

And order food for you a la carte,

Just my way of making contact

When we’re stuck six feet apart!

Now you might think I’m creepy,

That I’ve gone a bit too far

By buying you a drink

After the feds shut down the bar,

But no one will arrest me

Just for causing you a start

‘Cause they’re emptying the prisons

To keep the crooks six feet apart!

So smile on your Zoom call

And when you’re making crepes,

And smile most of all

When Amazon brings your new drapes.

I made you covet COVID

‘Cause it gave you the head start

That you needed to ensure that we

Remain six feet apart!

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And You Thought No One Would Ever Love You!

I close my eyes, remembering

The day we almost met.

You were taking Cynthia

(Your puppy) to the vet.

You were glowing beautifully,

A tear drop in your eye,

And I was in my plain white van,

My third time driving by.

I almost parked, almost went in,

Almost told you my name

But I kept on making four right turns

And keeping things the same.

Sometimes I close my eyes and think

Of how we might have been

But it’s best for both of us if I,

For now, remain unseen.

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Acrostic Pickup Lines

H is for “Hey hot stuff!”

E is for “Eek! Sorry mom.”

Y is for “Yikes.”

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She’s Got Legs!

I see a little spider

Crawling up my leg.

A part of me is screaming!

It wants to plead and beg,

But as the beast gets closer

My mind begins to clear

And I realize that, in this spider,

I have nothing to fear.

And so I watch her scuttle

From my ankle to my knee.

My two green eyes watch her

And her eight black eyes watch me,

And as our eyes make contact

I feel our spirits join.

The spider and I are friends now

As she crawls over my groin.

The spider meets my pelvis.

She passes o’er my hips.

Where once they brought me horror

Her eyes could now sink ships.

Her silky brunette body

Tempts me towards an unnamed sin

And I find myself attracted

To a patch that looks like a violin.

The spider now is crawling

Onto my left pectoral

And my mind’s engaged in matters

Of arrangements marital and floral.

She crawls onto my neck now,

Her gorgeous eyes the size of fleas.

She’s nearly to my head now

And I’m nearly on my knees.

She crawls onto my soul patch

And one of her footies slips.

I catch it and replace it

And she crawls onto my lips.

A kiss! A kiss! How lovely

As her mandibles meet mine.

I slip off into a restful sleep

As on me she starts to dine.

I don’t wake up that evening,

Nor tomorrow, nor the next,

Yet dead and cold as I may be

I do not feel vexed.

So when you see such spiders

In their web or in their lair

Instead of giving them the Kleenex

Try to show them that you care.

For though you’ll never meet them

On account of being desiccated

Your eyes will fill with baby spiders

To which you just might be related.

The babies ask “where’s daddy?”

And mommy spider’ll have a chat

And then they’ll go find  love like us.

What’s more beautiful than that?

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Best Wishes From Everything You’ve Ever Signed

I lay in bed one humid eve

When through the window came

A mysterious hooded figure

With neither face nor name.

He tied me to my bedframe,

Shaved my head and ate my food,

Downloaded my shopping preferences

And data about my mood.

He stole my cash and passwords

And he burned all my receipts

Then showed me banner advertisements

For Sprint and flannel sheets.

He listened to my phone calls

And sold recordings to Taiwan.

These unusual torments

Lasted all the way ’til dawn.

He changed my LinkedIn profile

And made me look inept,

Then left a calling card which said

“Read before you click Accept.”

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It Sounded Better In My Head

Here eyes were like flowers

In April’s sweet bloom,

Like a tropical bird

Viewed through 8x digital zoom,

Like tiny galaxies

Filled by the purest of bliss.

This was a chance

Which I just couldn’t miss.

And so I approached her,

Her eyes locked with mine.

I said “Hi! I’m David.”

She said “I’m Caroline.”

I said “your eyes are wondrous.

“They belong in a museum!”

My court date’s this Friday

If you want to come see ’em.

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When You Have The Heart Of A Lion But She Has The Sensibilities Of A Homo Sapien

We met online at 12:00 AM

And bonded over cats.

We bared our souls with smileys

And confirmed the predictions of anonymous stats.

We texted back and forth a bit

Before we met in real life.

You thought I was kinda cute.

I knew you’d be my wife.

But as the days and weeks went by

Our love was less smooth than I was hopin’.

You kept some of the gifts I sent you

But the boxes of dead rodents, you didn’t open!

So now I’m naked, watching Louie

On Amazon TV

Regretting how your heart did not

Know how much that cat-bonding meant to me.

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How I Met Your Mother (Although She Doesn’t Know It Yet)

I love you 

Like a child loves an airplane

Like that Facebook friend

Loves someone you’ll never meet

Like the drunk guy at the bar

Loves “it man!”

Like the certified pre-owned vehicle consultant

Knows you’ll love this one specific car

I live you very verbally

In a way that’s oft disturbing

That’s measured in mega-decibels

And prevents a good night’s sleep

So I thought with this confession

I’d better introduce myself

So that you wouldn’t mistake me

As just a random stranger/creep.

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Totally The Feelings Of Someone Else (Who Isn’t Me) For Margot Robbie That Are Probably Exaggerated And Definitely Not Mine… Probably

Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:

You make me want to go and see

A film I likely won’t enjoy

‘Cause you are you and I’m a boy.

Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:

Watching you is my new hobby.

Your hair, when styled in tails of pig

Makes my… heart… grow twice as big.

Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:

You’re my favorite celebrity since whoever played Dobby.

The only thing more beautiful in my eye

Would be a reboot of Firefly.

Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:

You’re hotter even than wasabi.

This poem’s a joke written for you.

Yes, I’m a Joker, so love me too!

Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:

Not being with you makes me sobby

But in the unlikely event you won’t be my vixen…

Shailyn, Shailyn, Shailyn Pierre-Dixon.

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Pagan Pickup Lines

Baby, I want you to know

I’d sacrifice anything for your love.

Say the word and I’ll do it,

Be it goat, virgin, or dove.

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