Somebody stole my lemonade stand.
I’m not sure how it was done,
But without my main source of income
I was not having very much fun.
Lucky for me, global warming
Made this heat wave quite an ordeal,
And I comforted folks with my fried egg stand,
‘Cause the sidewalk’s much harder to steal.
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Dedicated to the memory of the first “Pop Songs.”
thedailytravesty.com/2012/06/20/popsongs/
Tonight
I’m gonna love lovin’ you
Tonight
You’re gonna be my first true
You betcha, I’m gonna getcha
Baby, Oh oh!
Tonight
We’re goin’ downtown, babe.
Tonight
Gonna meet with my cousin, Gabe.
I’m in the mood, you’re looking good.
Gabe-y, oh oh!
Baby
Oh yeah
Oo-ooh
Oo-Oo
Baby
Shing-a-ling-a-ding
Tonight.
Tonight
We’re gonna strum three chords.
Tonight
We’re gonna calve like fjords.
I’ll be your Malfoy if you’ll be my Goyle.
Crabbe-y, oh oh!
Tonight
I’m gonna write you a rhyme.
Tonight
We’ll have our Rosemary thyme.
Was I inspired when this song was sired?
Maybe, oh oh!
Baby
Oh yeah
Oo-ooh
Oo-Oo
Baby
Humma-humma-strumma-strumma
This song just gets dumma ‘n dumma
Parsley and sage can’t express my rage!
Looking around
For words that end with the same sound!
Mispronounced Harry Potter villains
Interferin’ with our chillin’s.
Shing-a-ling-a-ding
(Dramatic pause)
Tonight.
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The day has come!
It’s finally here!
The book I’ve promised
Since some time last year.
It’s a gloss-covered beauty
Chock full of good stuff
To make people giggle
And indignantly huff.
It’s a Valentine’s-themed
Collection for those
Who, on Valentines night
Will remain in their clothes,
And it makes a great gift
For a poetry lover
If you want to break up
And need a good cover.
I hope you enjoy!
I have, for sure.
And perhaps in the future
There’ll be even… Mure.
Or search for “Sex, Lies, and Poetry”
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Nine times out of eleven
A guy can go to Heaven,
And to be among the nine
Tops my list of fears.
For hymns and harps are great,
And for flying I can’t wait,
But eternity is just too much
When you live 100 years.
So take your eternal pleasure
I’ll just enjoy my leisure
On this temporary paradise
That’s called mortality.
That doesn’t make me bad
(Maybe in one sense, but not a cad).
Life can be enjoyed
With a sense of finite morality.
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Reflecting on the year that’s been
365 poems you have not seen,
A fact which seems, at least to me,
To lose the “daily” of the daily travesty.
So in the year to come I do resolve
To genuinely this problem solve.
So look for poems every day!
(If we’re lucky it will last ’til May).
Happy New Year, enjoy the show.
That’s one down, 364 to go…
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Bart had greased the lightning,
And he’d tested all the wires
By the light of midnight oil,
And his own creative fires.
And as the howling wind chimed the bell
at three thirteen A.M.
He flipped to “on” the on switch,
And prepared to meet his gem.
At first, nothing happened,
Then arose a soft whirr.
It sat up, and he whistled
Enraptured by her.
But in both of their hearts
There lingered one mystery:
Could biology and robotics
Develop lasting chemistry?
The creator stepped forward
With his eyes fixed upon
His creation and said
“My name’s Bart. Your name’s Dawn.”
The lovebot responded
to Bart’s great surprise.
She looked up, with an LED
Light in her eyes.
And after she spoke,
Her uniqueness shone through.
She said “One zero zero
one zero one two.”
“You’ve broken the binary!”
Said the excited Bart,
And he embraced Dawn,
Who had stolen his heart.
The two of them got married,
Neither had any reservations.
They had all the bells and whistles,
But not a lot of converations.
And at night, Bart would fall asleep,
After powering off his Dawn,
And every night he dreamed
Of that first night he turned her on.
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I think I’m God. I always have,
But now I’ve found some proof.
I learned my place just yesterday
When acting like a goof.
My friend was in the bathroom,
And she had been for a while,
So I asked “You having a baby in there?”
My face, it held a smile.
She called back, smiling too.
She answered me, “No, shit.”
“No shit?” I thought? “She really is?”
My heart did flip and flit.
You need some help? An ambulance?
She laughed so merrily
I found it hard to believe
She was birthing my baby.
Then it hit me like a rock
Flung at near-mach speed:
How could she have my baby
If we’d never done the deed?
Was I the virgin father?
Was I Jesus’s old chapper?
Was the second coming going on
Atop my porcelain crapper?
She couldn’t be a virgin mother,
That’s a fact that I knew pat.
So I was the father, but so was God.
How do you logic that?
So thus I must conclude that I am God,
The father of the savior.
My son, he is so small and brown,
This time I’ll call him Javier.
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I was lost in the jungle last Saturday night.
My makeup was smudgy, my hair was a fright,
I was starving and thirsty and crawling along
When I heard an odd noise, not unlike a gong.
So I thirstily crawled and disheveledly waddled
While thinking of water, whether flowing or bottled,
‘Til I came to the source of the almost-gong sound
And was faced with a fellow who was quite musclebound.
I spoke to the fellow with a dry-throated yelp,
“Dear Fellow, I’m starving and in need of some help.”
The fellow was friendly, and offered me food.
“Here’s what I’ve got. Just take what sounds good.”
He offered me me larvae and elephant tongue,
Some organic fungus “with plenty of fung,”
Some mandible stew, which made me quite skittish,
And some discolored mush. (I assumed it was British).
What a predicament! What could I do?
I swallowed a spoonful of mandible stew.
Well, I’m still alive, and I’m glad that I am,
But I wish I had waited ’til he brought out the ham.
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(-: Not so much a poem, but I’m tired, so shut up. 🙂
“I’m going to flatten you like a parabola divided by the independent variable!”
“Your heart’s going to flatline like y=c, where c is a constant!”
“I’m going to hit you with a common log, naturally.”
“Your instantaneous rate of change is going down!”
(-: Yes, I’m that tired. Damn college! 🙂
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“Darling, I want you to quite your job
As a women’s fitness guru.
I don’t like you being around those skinny women.”
“With some work honey, you could be one too!”
“I really love this video game.
I really really do!
It’s unlike anything in my life right now:
It’s makes me feel like a dream came true.”
My wife told me a joke today.
“What’s purple and wears a bra?”
I answered with the first thing on my mind.
“Could it be my mother in law?”
“Why honey, it’s time
For me to give you thanks.
I had the orgasm of my life today
When you drove me to the sperm banks.”
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The Daily Travesty 