Tag Archives: Worse than usual

Sometimes The Punchlines Just Don’t Come… But The Rhyme Scheme Is Different So Shut Up (Love Y’all)

I’ve never owned a yacht, believe it or not

Nor bought a car (at least so far),

Never found a bike I like

Or used my brain to get a plane,

So when I decide to buy

A helicopter, I’ll adopt ‘er.

That way I can still say

I never resort to pay for transport.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

NEVER End A Line With “Buck”

Another evening passes

Like methane from our asses,

Like the motorist that passes

Bicyclists, slow as molasses.

It passes like a buck

And the fact that I wrote buck

Means I’ll spare you from future rhymes

Because you already get the analogy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems


From the Earth arises, soft,

The tiny caterpillar

Which, to the baby bird, will serve

As a tiny belly filler.

The baby birds grow big and strong

And humans shoot and eat ‘em

And that is why the caterpillar

Will never defeat ‘em.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

If You’re Reading This Enthusiastically, You’re Missing The Point

Happy happy happy.

Joy joy joy.

Yippee yippee yippee.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

I can’t wait. I’m excited.

I’m overwhelmed with wow.

If you think exclamation marks are dumb

You do not think so now.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

First Date Conversations

There once was some rear pelvic part

That emitted the deadliest fart.

The gas from the bowels

Caused the most gruesome howls,

Worse even than most modern art.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Why Adventurers Just Don’t Anymore In 2022

We survived a drowning island.

We endured the burning sand.

We outlasted freezing rain

And our cousin’s cover band.

We’ve outrun giant boulders

And a crazy nazi horde

But when the radio plays songs

By Taylor Swift… Oh Lord!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Middle School Science Be Like… (Also, I Have No Idea What Color Jupiter Is, But Neither Do You, So Ha!)

Mercury is number one,

Venus is where women are from,

Mars is a song with lots of snare drum,

Jupiter is the color of plum,

Saturn has a bunch of rings,

Uranus is full of gas and things,

Neptune’s famed for icy springs,

And Pluto’s demotion to this day stings.

But you probably noticed the dearth

Of a line about the Earth

Because it is devoid of mirth

And is the only planet with Colin Firth.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Subverting Expectations

Tonight events happened that occupied time

And now I must sleep and dream of a mime.

I probably won’t, but it goes to show

I don’t always rhyme “time” with “rhyme”, my bro.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Perhaps The Most Extraordinarily Literal Poem Ever

Tonight, I lay in bed and rest

So tomorrow I can make a quest

Southward past the Emerald City

Where law enforcement’s really shitty.

I’m going there to see my girl,

Upon whom all my thoughts do swirl.

We’re working on my latest book

And soon you’ll get an early look!

So yeah, that’s all I have to say…

Just a life update and marketing play.

She is great and so are you

And now I need to sleep. Yahoo!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

In Other News, How Did 10:53 Become “Late”?

There once was a poet in bed

With ideas flush in his head,

But he stayed ip too late

And, as was his fate,

He dashed down a limerick instead.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems