Tag Archives: Worse than usual

If You Have Nothing To Write A Poem About, Write It Anyway Because You Made A Stupid Promise To Post One Every Day And You Ain’t No Quitter

If I could name a river after myself

I think I’d call it “David River”

‘Cause that’s a limitation

Of the whole “name-it-after-yourself” deal.

If I could name a city after myself

I can probably guess your IQ

By what you thought the answer would be.

It would be New David River City

Because duh.

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My Bedtime Is At 8:00… Cut Me Some Slack

There once was a birthday party

That started at 6:30

It went a long time,

Which makes it hard to rhyme

Which is why “30” is now pronounced “tharty”.

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Green Power Meets Greek Power

A giant electric windmill met Sisyphus

And asked, “Do you like music, man?”

Sisyphus said, “Anything but rock and roll.”

The turbine said, “I’m a big metal fan.”

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Sometimes The Punchlines Just Don’t Come… But The Rhyme Scheme Is Different So Shut Up (Love Y’all)

I’ve never owned a yacht, believe it or not

Nor bought a car (at least so far),

Never found a bike I like

Or used my brain to get a plane,

So when I decide to buy

A helicopter, I’ll adopt ‘er.

That way I can still say

I never resort to pay for transport.

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NEVER End A Line With “Buck”

Another evening passes

Like methane from our asses,

Like the motorist that passes

Bicyclists, slow as molasses.

It passes like a buck

And the fact that I wrote buck

Means I’ll spare you from future rhymes

Because you already get the analogy.

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From the Earth arises, soft,

The tiny caterpillar

Which, to the baby bird, will serve

As a tiny belly filler.

The baby birds grow big and strong

And humans shoot and eat ‘em

And that is why the caterpillar

Will never defeat ‘em.

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If You’re Reading This Enthusiastically, You’re Missing The Point

Happy happy happy.

Joy joy joy.

Yippee yippee yippee.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

I can’t wait. I’m excited.

I’m overwhelmed with wow.

If you think exclamation marks are dumb

You do not think so now.

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First Date Conversations

There once was some rear pelvic part

That emitted the deadliest fart.

The gas from the bowels

Caused the most gruesome howls,

Worse even than most modern art.

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Why Adventurers Just Don’t Anymore In 2022

We survived a drowning island.

We endured the burning sand.

We outlasted freezing rain

And our cousin’s cover band.

We’ve outrun giant boulders

And a crazy nazi horde

But when the radio plays songs

By Taylor Swift… Oh Lord!

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Middle School Science Be Like… (Also, I Have No Idea What Color Jupiter Is, But Neither Do You, So Ha!)

Mercury is number one,

Venus is where women are from,

Mars is a song with lots of snare drum,

Jupiter is the color of plum,

Saturn has a bunch of rings,

Uranus is full of gas and things,

Neptune’s famed for icy springs,

And Pluto’s demotion to this day stings.

But you probably noticed the dearth

Of a line about the Earth

Because it is devoid of mirth

And is the only planet with Colin Firth.

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