Tag Archives: food

Vegans, You’re *Almost* Right

Pigs are perfect!

That’s what I think.

They’re smart and they’re fat

And they’re pretty in pink.

They’re as faithful as dogs.

They’re unable to hate.

There’s no animal better

To have on my plate.

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American Cuisine And Its Correlation To GDP

They said in school that GDP

(Or Gross Domestic Product)

Was a measure of economic power.

But this makes more sense to me

(For Gross Domestic Product).

Please excuse me as I go take a shower.

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Your Chance To Lose Money Is Finally Here! (Hi Clive)

You could put your money on the Cleveland Browns

For Super Bowl Any-time-in-the-future,

But that wouldn’t help anyone,

Let alone this poetic moocher.

Instead I’ve got a different way

To part ways with your cash

Which is by going to my Patreon

And putting it in my stash.

To those of you whose common sense

Says “but money is important”

And the thought of spending it seems, to you,

A little bit abhorrent

I’d point out that your cash will go

To helping me survive.

Nothing’s really better than supporting the arts

Except, perhaps, being named “Clive.”

But since my name is David

And your name’s probably not Clive either

Hop on over to Patreon

Like you’re an eager beaver.

If you don’t pay, the poems won’t stop;

You’ll still get these Travesties daily.

The only difference is, to get my food,

I won’t have to resort to a gladiatorial melee.

(Which is good because I’m skinny and bruise easily).

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Yours Truly Goes To A Restaurant

Whether you like mozzarella

Or “anything, as long as its yella”

If you say thank-a-you and please

Then come on down and have some cheese!

We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,

From naked sheep and sheep with coats,

From pigs and deer and even moles.

How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!

It tastes like heaven. You can check!

It makes the hairs stand on your neck.

And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!

Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…

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I’m (Almost) Too Hungry To Shamelessly Plug… 

Today my only meal

Was half a can of sour grapes,

Fortified by some shampoo

And a bit of rattlesnake.

I would’ve snapped a photo

But I figure no one’d look…

This could’ve been avoided

If you’d only bought my book!

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Still Better Than Veganism

Were I a can of cheese

Sitting softly on the shelf

I would live a peaceful life,

Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.

I would not fear to be consumed,

Nor to expire or lose my hair.

I would be orange and insubstantial,

Pressured only by compressed air.

And then one fateful afternoon

Should someone spread me out

And eat me, I can surely say

I’ll probably make them pout.

Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can

Is an underrated goal:

Such is my conclusion.

I hope you found this droll.

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Something’s Fishy… And Also Gummy

If you teach men to fish

You’ll feed them forever,

But I find that sometimes

It’s a fruitless endeavor.

I taught fishing in Sweden

But to my dismay

They were still eating candy

The very next day.

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