Tag Archives: food

Milk Was Just The Beginning (The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Saga)

People are always joking

About how it weirds them out

That someone grabbed a cow’s udder

And drank what came out.

But I’m wondering who

Ground some wheat with a stone

Mixed it with milk and bacteria

Then left it alone

Before heating it up

To 300 degrees

And then frying it up

With some butter and cheese…

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Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…

They make elbow pasta,

Bow ties and angel hair,

But I think they should make a noodle

For guys who have a pair:

A noodle like the balls that hang

Behind your pickup truck…

(It was at this point my girlfriend said

I’m already in luck).

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Really Strained For That Rhyme… But Seriously! I Want Meat With Little Pits For The Syrup!

They have hot dogs; they have buns.

They have lunch meat; they have pancakes.

The equivalence I want to know:

What sort of meat a pair with waffles makes.

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Morning At The Vineyard

It’s morning at the vineyard

And the weather’s looking fine!

We sing hurrah and pick syrah

By bunches off the vine.

There’s Malbec for our jelly

And cabernet for wine,

Filling bucket after bucket

With pickers numbering nine.

My girl may have partaken

Of a bottle from last year.

The leaves stay green and limber

Though its fruit will disappear.

With truck beds full and spirits high

We loose a mirthful cheer!

Now we’re on the highway home

With the pickers we hold dear.

Tomorrow we’ll de-stem the lot

And barrel it to wait

Until next year’s excursion

Or ‘til 2028.

It’s a family tradition

So we all participate,

Bottling mornings in the vineyard,

Packing memories by the crate.

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The Taste Of Home

For every sandwich ever made,

For every stand with lemonade,

For every pizza baked at home

In Tuscaloosa or in Rome,

For all the cream we ever whipped,

All the coffee ever sipped,

I dedicate this meal for you:

Gummy worm salad and “mystery” stew.

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Fro Yo, Before Black People Made That A Greeting/Hairstyle

Somebody once grabbed a cow by the teats

And sucked out the milk and called it good eats

But a little fermented and got full of germs

And people just couldn’t come to grips or terms

So they filled it with sugar and put fruit on the bottom

And sold it in little plastic cups, and folks bought ‘em.

Then someone froze it and, eyes all agleam,

Said “People should buy this instead of ice cream!”

Most of the world disagreed, but alas

White peoplee adored it and paid through the ass.

All over the country we now eat frozen yogurt

Like Iowans mow lawns, and Nevadans mow dirt.

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Just Wait ‘Til He Learns They Eat Cat In China

Jared was a little dude

From Syracuse, New York

Who used to think his favorite meat

Was barbecue pulled pork.

Then he came upon a crowd

Of masturbating cattle

And now he says Beef strokin’ off

Has won the “best meat” battle.

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Why Some Plants Go Extinct

“Anybody want some peas?”

Everyone said yes.

“Anyone want pewps?”

Perhaps next year, I guess…

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And Potlucks Were Never The Same Again

Once upon a time

In a land of myth and ballad

Someone mixed a lot of plants

And called the result a salad.

Later, in Minnesota

Someone mixed mayonnaise

With literally anything at all

And said “Salad happens in many ways.”

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Prequels Be Like:

What if somebody made a hot dog

But instead of a bun, he

Put a couple of crackers

That tasted like honey

And instead of ketchup

Put chocolate so melty

But something was missing,

Because everyone felt he

Was not doing service

To a long piece of meat

So he replaced the hot dog

With a puffy white treat

Perfectly toasted

Over glowing red coals?

Perhaps I’ll add that

To my recipe goals…

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