Tag Archives: food

Diet Supplements

Are you tired of working out?

Wish you could lose some weight?

Then you stumbling on this post

Is nothing short of fate!

See, I’m a famous CEO

Who grew up on the street

And I’ve been on some talk shows

And my life is really neat.

I’ve collaborated

With a bunch of science nerds

To make a diet supplement

That will leave you without words:

Our many happy clients

Universally lost weight,

And we’re officially endorsed

By nearly every socialist state.

What is this magic product?

You really want to know?

Okay, since you asked nicely…

“Dehydrated H2O.”

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Black Humor?

Leo asked, “Would you like to eat African food?”

We voted, and most voted, “Yea.”

Having said yes, Leo said, “Then I guess

“You and Africans feel the same way.”

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But Honey… We Have Needs

Sometimes we go shopping

Because we have needs

Like cardamom, five-spice,

And sunflower seeds,

A packet of seaweed

And kale-chips-ahoy!

Perhaps we might splurge

For a mint-in-box toy.

When we feel spendy

Perhaps we will pounce

On a bottle of wine

That we cannot pronounce

And then at the end

We’ll return home again

And eat yesterday’s ramen

Because we are men.

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The Soy-Bacon of Vice

This evening I realized,

While sitting in the sauna,

Some people make a living

By baking food with marijuana.

So if you are a baker

It does appear to me

You’re basically just selling weed

With a cheaper recipe…

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🍆👸? 👎,ℹ️🌈!

I met a girl in cooking class

When I was seventeen.

She texted “Wanna have some fun?”

I asked “What do you mean?”

She sent me some emojis

Of an eggplant and a queen.

I replied “Thanks for the offer

“But I’m out of aubergine.”

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Hoof You Been Talkin’ To?

I saw horses running

With humans on their backs.

I said, “Now there’s an animal

“We’ve not made into snacks.

“They’re gorgeous and majestic

“And possess a lightning speed,”

But the one kid eating glue

Silently disagreed.

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How To Politely Decline An Invitation To Dinner

Some people like chicken,

Some people like pork,

Some people like tofu

Impaled on their fork.

Some people like rabbit,

Some people like goat,

But no one likes you

And that’s all she wrote.

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Better Than A Polygraph

They say you can spot a killer

Or persons of criminal ilk

By offering them cocoa puffs.

(Run if they pour out the milk).

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The Family Diner

I went to a family diner

I ordered a “family omelette”.

The menu wasn’t specific

So I waited to see what I’d get.

When they delivered the omelette

I found myself rather stricken

‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”

Was apparently just eggs and chicken.

The submenu options included

The “family omelette deluxe”

Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,

Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.

The Conservative family omelette

Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.

The Liberal family omelette

Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.

The feminist family omelette

Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.

The black family omelette had half as much chicken

‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.

The Japanese family omelette

Came with an unrealistic hairdo

And, upon looking closer, you’ll find

It has better SAT scores than you.

When I went to that family diner

I brought my future wife on a date.

I still visit on weekends and holidays

When I don’t have a lot on my plate.

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A Historically Accurate Transcription Of Events Preceding The Invention Of The Microwave Oven

In 1920 some guy said

“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”

His peer responded “Tell me sir,

“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”

Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,

“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”

His peer replied “Your thought is bold,

“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”

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