Tag Archives: food

Still Better Than Veganism

Were I a can of cheese

Sitting softly on the shelf

I would live a peaceful life,

Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.

I would not fear to be consumed,

Nor to expire or lose my hair.

I would be orange and insubstantial,

Pressured only by compressed air.

And then one fateful afternoon

Should someone spread me out

And eat me, I can surely say

I’ll probably make them pout.

Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can

Is an underrated goal:

Such is my conclusion.

I hope you found this droll.


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Something’s Fishy… And Also Gummy

If you teach men to fish

You’ll feed them forever,

But I find that sometimes

It’s a fruitless endeavor.

I taught fishing in Sweden

But to my dismay

They were still eating candy

The very next day.

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Steak and Eggs

I splatter unborn baby birds

Onto a burning pan

And eat them with some cattle flesh.

It’s great to be a man!

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“You can’t make an omelette

Without craking a bag

Of artificial egg-substitute flakes

That lack allergic red flags

And don’t indirectly harm animals

Like your processed foods do.”

I don’t much care for

Vegan analogies. Do you?

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If I Order A Bacon Cheeseburger In Canada What Will I Get?

Is bacon in Canada

Canadian bacon?

Is a pig in Guinea

A guinea pig?

Is this issue important

Like I seem to be makin’

Or is it an issue

Not nearly so big?

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Were Their Deaths For Nothing?!

Many chickens died today

To feed both me and you.

That makes me feel a little bad

For cooking turkey stew.

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72 Days Too Late

“Best by November 2016”

Was on my salad dressing.

I shook my head as I poured it on

And hoped that Kraft was guessing.

Now my life goes with the flow

And I eat only undressed veggies.

On the bright side never anymore

Do people give me wedgies.

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