Tag Archives: food

Better Than A Polygraph

They say you can spot a killer

Or persons of criminal ilk

By offering them cocoa puffs.

(Run if they pour out the milk).

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The Family Diner

I went to a family diner

I ordered a “family omelette”.

The menu wasn’t specific

So I waited to see what I’d get.

When they delivered the omelette

I found myself rather stricken

‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”

Was apparently just eggs and chicken.

The submenu options included

The “family omelette deluxe”

Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,

Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.

The Conservative family omelette

Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.

The Liberal family omelette

Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.

The feminist family omelette

Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.

The black family omelette had half as much chicken

‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.

The Japanese family omelette

Came with an unrealistic hairdo

And, upon looking closer, you’ll find

It has better SAT scores than you.

When I went to that family diner

I brought my future wife on a date.

I still visit on weekends and holidays

When I don’t have a lot on my plate.

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A Historically Accurate Transcription Of Events Preceding The Invention Of The Microwave Oven

In 1920 some guy said

“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”

His peer responded “Tell me sir,

“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”

Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,

“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”

His peer replied “Your thought is bold,

“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”

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What Do You Want For Dinner?

If there were a food

Whose taste was so divine

To eat it made you orgasm

In an instant forty times,

That not only set your loins alight

But set your heart afire,

A food so good it’s better than

Hearing Taylor Swift retire,

And that this oh-so-perfect food

Can be grown nearly for free,

Can be cooked in 19 seconds

And cures world hunger instantly,

Is the most positive thing in the universe,

Like -1 times the all-time worst

Your girlfriend would whine about it

If you suggested to eat it first.

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Old Habits Never Die

She killed a man in April.

By May she was convicted.

The day of her execution came;

Her heart, it was conflicted.

The guard came to her cell

And asked what her last meal would be.

She said “I don’t know. What do you want?”

#ReasonsForTheDeathPenalty

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When You Irradiate Your Meal For Five Minutes But Stop The Microwave With One Second Left So You Don’t Have To Hear The Beep

I put my burger in the microwave,

Turned it on, and walked away.

I heard a helicopter start

And bullets start to spray,

The Marines are hitting Normandy.

This is cooking uncontrolled!

I open the door to fetch my food

And find it nice and cold.

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The North and the South

If you’re the type of fancy guy

Who calls pink things “magenta”

Then I can cook you up a bowl

Of “Fancy-Guy Polenta.”

But if you’re the type of guy

Who shoots and drinks and spits

I’ll fry it up for half the price

And call it “Good Ol’ Grits.”

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