Work was hard to come by
So I became an exorcist.
Alas, this happy story
Comes with a bitter twist:
I sent unwanted spirits
From this world and set them free,
But my girl, who died in high school,
Called me rude and ghosted me.
Tag Archives: Relationships
Why The Unicorns Left
She grew up in the forest
And learned to talk to trees
By singing with the birds of prey
And dancing with the bees.
She trained to be a hunter
From the day that she was born.
She dreamt she’d be the first to find
The mythic unicorn.
She found black stallions, powerful,
And pegasus in white,
Beasts that pulled the wagon far
And those who bore a knight.
She found horses of the sea
And horses tame and wild,
And yesterday her dream came true
And found it bright and mild:
The unicorn! Resplendent
In shades of gold and blue,
With a horn that shone like rainbows
And eyes of emerald hue.
She gazed upon the creature
And stroked its noble head
Then noticed it was unemployed
And rode a mule instead.
Filed under Poems
Forever Mine
I’m not afraid to make it known
I want this more than you.
I want to find a partner
Who is loyal, kind, and true.
I only want to have one talk,
A talk that never ends,
And to be more than lovers:
To be two forever friends.
I want you to have my kids,
To raise, protect, and feed.
I want to be your every want
And fill your every need.
I want to text you memes at night,
House hunt with you on Zillow,
And when we are a world apart
To smell you on my pillow.
Tonight and every night from now
I’ll wish upon a star
And ask whatever gods may be
To show me who you are.
Until the stars or gods or fate
Fulfill this wish of mine
I’ll work to be the man you want
To call “Forever Mine.”
Filed under Poems
For Those Who Love To Laugh, Hiking, Traveling, And Food
We could’ve been a miracle
Like a bottle of lightning,
With ardor and passion
That bordered on frightening,
Two bits of a puzzle
That fate formed as one
Destined for fortune
And family and fun.
We could’ve been lovers
And best friends for life,
The textbook example
Of husband and wife.
You could’ve been my world,
My earth, sea, and sky,
If only your first message
Were more than just, “hi.”
Filed under Poems
That One Supermodel Who’s Still Single For Some Reason
Some things are unspeakable,
Depraved beyond compare.
The fact that they exist
Causes many much despair.
Such things are irredeemable
And inspire only hate
And it’s important I discuss them
On every single date.
Filed under Poems
A Sonnet For When Your Vegan Girlfriend Puts You In The Doghouse
How soft the calling of the rose in bloom;
Its rage not diminished by its small size,
For it has seen a man deliver doom
With not a drop, remorseful, from his eyes.
The rose who screams has seen its brothers fall,
Cleft and tied as trinkets for a hot date.
It cries without lungs, giving it its all,
Petals in bloom, show’ring it foes with hate.
Then red and white and pink and gold align
Together in the vengeful rose’s song,
A harmony unheard by humankind
Until they are a dozen voices strong.
Then weep! The florist ends their final day.
Aren’t you relieved I brought you no bouquet?
Filed under Poems
A Halfass Ballad
Come all ye round and sit ye down
And hear me lonesome tune
About a man who dreamed to show
The whole wide world the moon.
He dreamt of walking round in space
And that breathtaking view
And yet alas, a dream of NASA
Never could come true.
For this here lad of whom we sing
Was born without a feature
Incurable by brilliant minds
Or the nation’s finest teacher.
The man, who’s name we shall not say
For fear what he might do
Was born with only one buttock…
Just half the normal two!
Now don’t ye mock the man who had
That single wondrous cheek,
The sight of which could shush a bitch
And make her knees grow weak.
Oh yes, the ladies stopped and stared
And many more went mute
When they’d walk by the halfass guy
And his one glorious glute.
Alas, with but a half a butt
The fellow couldn’t run,
And so he’d sit and tan a bit
In rain or sleet or sun,
Leaving all a full display
The privilege of his birth:
And in the night the moon so bright
Shone on the moon of Earth.
Now in the water by the beach
Whereon our hero tanned
There lived a mermaid of the sea
With hair like golden sand
Who also wore no clothes to hide
Her modesty from view,
And soon she fell in love, for she
Had just one buttock too.
She sang a song of ocean life:
How living in the sea
Was not unlike the moon in that
It lacked most gravity.
She beckoned him to join her in
A land both wet and wild
To share a life of happiness
With many a one-cheek child.
Our hero was quite skeptical,
For of the girls he knew.
Could a lass with half an ass surpass
A lass whose ass had two?
And more important in his mind
Was if he could adjust
To a woman who, as all could view,
Had also but one bust?
Yet as she sang, way up and down
Did heave that single breast
And with such grace his dream of space
Was soon but second best.
And so they left the land alone,
No longer to breath air.
And thus one perfect buttock was
Half of a perfect pair.
What A Catch!
She doesn’t play mind games.
She doesn’t hate pets.
These days that’s quite close to as good as it gets.
She isn’t ugly.
She isn’t mean.
She’s the not-baddest person that I’ve ever seen.
She has other friends.
She gets off the couch.
Her spirit animal is not Oscar the Grouch.
She’s not into drama.
She’s not a KGB spy.
My only concern is that “she” is a guy.
Filed under Poems
Guest Poem from Al Bundy
If marriage were like football
There would be no single men.
Every year they’d scout for wives
And draft a girl or ten
Then sign them to a contract
For a couple wondrous years
And give them shirts with numbers
And use them to sell beers.
We’d all have favorite teams of wives
Like the Ashleys or the Sophies
Who live in different cities
And try to win us trophies,
And when the best turn 40
(Or sometimes just 34)
We’d trade them off to other teams
And draft a dozen more.
If marriage were like football
Maybe life would be ok,
But instead it seems to be more like
The WNBA.
Filed under Poems
She Wants You Inside Her
The phrase “I want your baby”
Is sometimes super hot.
Mostly it depends if she’s
A cannibal or not.
Filed under Poems
