Tag Archives: Relationships

Not Quite A Heartache

I heard him tell her “You’re breathtaking,”

And I thought “That’s nice, isn’t it.”

Then I realized it was a guy with a lisp

Who just punched his wife on the tit.

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What Do You Want For Dinner?

If there were a food

Whose taste was so divine

To eat it made you orgasm

In an instant forty times,

That not only set your loins alight

But set your heart afire,

A food so good it’s better than

Hearing Taylor Swift retire,

And that this oh-so-perfect food

Can be grown nearly for free,

Can be cooked in 19 seconds

And cures world hunger instantly,

Is the most positive thing in the universe,

Like -1 times the all-time worst

Your girlfriend would whine about it

If you suggested to eat it first.

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A 49-Week Relationship

One day a friend said he’d set me up

With “A girl, 18/19.”

That turned into the weirdest date

On which I’ve ever been,

‘Cause when you see 18/19

You read the “/” as “or.”

He meant it as a fraction.

I don’t do blind dates anymore.

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I’m a Bad Boyfriend And A Bad Global Citizen

I always treat a girl to Ethiopian food

Whenever we have a first date.

There’s nothing quite like the look on her face

When they bring her an empty plate.

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Princess Fatigue

Ask any man “Would you marry?”

And the man will most-likely say “Sure.”

He’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days

To announce his commitment to her.

Ask any girl “Would you marry?”

And she’ll smile and say “Yes” with glee.

“And he’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days

“To announce his commitment to me!”

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Today

He’s hiding in a cloud of dust,

Relearning how to never trust.

Her taillights shining in his eyes,

He doesn’t know just how it ended.

Her ears await the next catcall,

In jeans too tight and skin too small,

Praying to what she knows are lies

For the pleasure of being offended.

Both parties borrow from tomorrow

To hide from yesterday’s Pompeii.

They can’t forget about each other

So they settle to forget about today.

He held the door of the gilded cage

And didn’t understand her rage.

He thought he’d shown her chivalry

But she called it the living dead.

Her body language said “I’m cheap.”

She told him she was losing sleep.

He said “I’ll fix this. Hmm, let’s see,”

Then noticed she’d already fled.

They’re hiding from tomorrow’s sorrow

In yesterday’s hip hip hooray.

They hate but obey what they ought

And settle to forget about today.

They’re told by shadows high above

What they must think and say and love

Never asking if or why

Shadows live and love to lie.

They’d rather borrow from tomorrow

To pave the way for yesterday

But within them, on the highest shelves

Are two uncaged, unsullied selves

Whispering in voices clear

So only quiet minds can hear

The truth forbidden by the they:

No one ever lives beyond today.

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When Poets Break Up

A poem might be a sonnet,

A haiku, or an acrostic.

You said God made you pretty

And now I’m an agnostic.

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