If you see a cow
Running o’er the fields of Maine
Please tell her that I was wrong
And to please come home again.
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Tag Archives: Relationships
How To Hedge Your Bets
If you’re a divorce lawyer
Being polygamous is wise
‘Cause you’ll get a lot of business
And you’re already good with lies.
Filed under Poems
Bad Romance
I love you
Like Japan loves tentacles,
Like psychos love murder
And goth teens love pentacles.
I love you
Like Chris Pratt loves his raptors
And people with Stockholm
Syndrome love their captors.
I love you
Like a farmer loves cattle,
Like that one guy you know
Loves leather and a paddle.
I love you
Like Tarantino loves gore
And it’s for these reasons
I can’t see you no more.
Filed under Poems
When “Beauty” Becomes An Industry
There are some people named “she”
Who want, to a man’s heart, the key
So they wear a disguise
For their tits, hips, and eyes
To find men who will “love me for me.”
Filed under Poems
Maybe It Tasted Good A Few Years Ago?
I want a sandwich
With clams, beets, and garlic
Sprinkled with liver and thyme
Topped with two scoops
Of pistachio ice cream
And the zest of a two-week-old lime
All smeared on a loaf
Of gluten-free flatbread
Served on a hard rubber plate.
You get it when you order
A nice BLT.
I call it “The Internet Date.”
Filed under Poems
Widow Lives Matter
Even though her legs are hairy
She’s still beautiful.
Just because her jaw is wide
Doesn’t make her unfeminine.
I don’t love her any less
Just because she has eight legs,
Thirty-seven eyes,
And mandibles to store venom in.
I don’t mind her bug-eating thing
Or her webs around the house,
Her association with evil
And summoning of bad lucks.
The only real area
Where her allure could be improved
Is the part where she kills and eats me
After every time she… well shucks.
Filed under Poems
She’s Lying…
Everything’s fine.
I won’t get mad.
I don’t care about your exes.
I’m almost ready.
I’ll call you right back.
I don’t mind you buying that Lexus.
I really don’t care.
I really don’t mind.
I really (insert anything here).
No, I’m not jealous
And if we get married
I’ll never make you watch Shakespeare.
Filed under Poems
