Tag Archives: Relationships

My Date Went Okay

I said, “Girl, you are fine.”

She said, “Boy, you’re adequate.”

After that things went alright

And basically, well, that was it.

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Wanna Hang Out?

I said “If”

She said, “Did I tell you about…”

I said “You”

She said “The time I had the doubt…”

I said “Don’t”

“About whether or not…”

I said “Shut”

“This eyeliner makes me hot…”

I said “Up”

“‘Cause I, like, wasn’t totally sure…”

I said “I”

“If this was chic or, like, couture…”

I said “Will”

“So I called my BFF…”

I said “Do”

“And was like, ‘Sup, my broseph…”

I said “What”

“And he was like, ‘Oh girl…”

I said “Epstein”

“That shade of ivory makes me hurl…”

I said “Didn’t.”

She would stop,

Or so I thought;

She kept talking;

I did not.

I hung around;

She tied the knot.

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It’s Not The Size… It’s The Personality

Here’s to all the porcupines

Who smile from behind their spines.

How they reproduce may you-befuddle,

As might how, afterwards, they cuddle.

One thing that I know for certain

Is neither partner ends up hurtin’

Which is more than I can say

For every woman I’ve had. Yay!

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Anyway

I haven’t been touched like that for a while,

Long enough to forget the taste of a smile,

‘Cause who needs love when you’re in denial anyway?

I couldn’t tell you about my best friend,

Haven’t written letters that I want to send.

What good are people when the world is ending anyway?

Even though I know I lived through the past

I can’t remember when I forgot time last.

Why can’t the years alone go by so fast anyway?

I haven’t been touched like that for a while,

Was living in a life marching single file

‘Cause who needs love when you’re in denial anyway?

Thanks for listening even when it’s tough.

A lot of people need to say this kind of stuff.

Now I feel and I hope that I’ve said enough.

Anyway…

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Tossup

Hello to you, dear reader

(Or listener, if you will).

Might I suggest a simple game

Of chance instead of skill?

It’s the tossing of a silver coin

To results in heads or tails.

Your side of choice is a liquid voice

But the other side is wails.

With a heads, you’re six feet taller

Dancing circles in the sky

With a castle full of diamonds

And a friend who’ll never die,

Your wishes but a whim away

In a life devoid of loss.

I’ll even throw a dragon in

If you’ll give my coin a toss!

With a tails, six-feet under

Is a wish that won’t come true

As sky and earth and ocean

Are a nemesis to you.

You look around at all you hate

But only mirrors see,

And the dragon’s on the table still

If you’ll toss a coin with me.

Should you face a face post-flipping

You’ll have all that you can eat,

Removed from all discomforts

And immune to all deceit.

Your words will carry weight again

And the sun will always shine.

The face you face just might be yours

If you’ll flip this coin of mine!

But if that face is hidden

Hidden will your face be too

Behind your ever-aching hands

And whatever that guy threw…

There’ll be excellence around you

But the best you’ll get is fair;

It’s the risk you take for sending

My coin spinning through the air.

Should you be a coward

To avoid the loss of tails

There’ll be lemon in your water

And wind within your sails.

Should you be a hero

And pursue the wealth of heads

You’ll have no fear of failure

And a lack of empty beds.

Euphoria awaits you

In the paradise you made

With an open grave beside it

Dug by hand and fortune’s spades.

A two-faced ally in the air

Does Heaven and Hell divide

Will you be fine with good enough

Or care to pick a side?

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You Can’t Spell “Guilt” Without U and I

Well, you tried to con a dollar

From my hard day’s work

But I’ve never worked a day in my life.

Then you tried to sell me something

In an unmarked bag.

I said “Maybe, but I gotta ask my wife.”

Then you pulled a Smith and Wesson

From your paint-on jeans

And you told me “Pull your wallet out slow.”

Nine months later you’ve a stroller,

I’m approved for my parole-a.

When it’s love, sometimes you just know.

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🍆👸? 👎,ℹ️🌈!

I met a girl in cooking class

When I was seventeen.

She texted “Wanna have some fun?”

I asked “What do you mean?”

She sent me some emojis

Of an eggplant and a queen.

I replied “Thanks for the offer

“But I’m out of aubergine.”

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Math Anxiety

My teacher asks “What’s the square root of nine?”

I say the answer is three.

The girlfriend asks “What’s the value of X”

And I say “She means nothing to me!”

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New Study Shows Women Are “Marrying Down…”

My car may have it’s share of dings,

I may not buy you fancy things,

I might forget your name a lot,

I might comment “Your mom is hot,”

I might not read your favorite book,

I’ll seldom clean and never cook,

But if you become my wife

You can wear sweat pants for the rest of your life!

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When All The Good Men Are 5’11”

If a man makes 40k

And his girl makes 10

She’ll happily be his Barbie

And he will be her Ken.

If a man makes 40k

And his girl makes 20

She will call him Sugarplum

And he will call her Honey.

If a man makes 40k

And his girl makes thirty

You can guarantee that they’ll

Be eager to talk dirty.

If a man makes 40k

And she makes 41

Shame on her for dating down!

Their relationship is done.

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