There’s a horde of faceless people
Milling blindly in the road,
Never seeing their solutions,
Never earning what they’re owed.
They are nameless, they are faceless,
And they haven’t got a clue…
If that is what you see of them
Then that’s how they’ll see you.
She offered me a sandwich
And I said “Thank you dear.”
She sighed and asked “What would you do
“If I were to disappear?”
I said “I’d eat steak every day
“And be left with much more money.”
She scowled, so I bought her jewelry
And now she thinks I’m funny.
When a man has nothing to say
He waits in silence for the silence to end.
When a girl I like has nothing to say
She says “That’s so nice, but I have a boyfriend.”
I heard him tell her “You’re breathtaking,”
And I thought “That’s nice, isn’t it.”
Then I realized it was a guy with a lisp
Who just punched his wife on the tit.
If there were a food
Whose taste was so divine
To eat it made you orgasm
In an instant forty times,
That not only set your loins alight
But set your heart afire,
A food so good it’s better than
Hearing Taylor Swift retire,
And that this oh-so-perfect food
Can be grown nearly for free,
Can be cooked in 19 seconds
And cures world hunger instantly,
Is the most positive thing in the universe,
Like -1 times the all-time worst
Your girlfriend would whine about it
If you suggested to eat it first.
One day a friend said he’d set me up
With “A girl, 18/19.”
That turned into the weirdest date
On which I’ve ever been,
‘Cause when you see 18/19
You read the “/” as “or.”
He meant it as a fraction.
I don’t do blind dates anymore.
I always treat a girl to Ethiopian food
Whenever we have a first date.
There’s nothing quite like the look on her face
When they bring her an empty plate.