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Conversation with a Stranger

We interrupt your daily dose of terrible poetry/jokes that rhyme because then I can justify them as poems…

Where was I? Oh yeah…

To bring you something that made my day better.

So there I was, bored, so I logged onto

For those unaware, Omegle is a website where random people meet up and chat about random things. After several conversations that went about as well as you’d think, given it’s two random people chatting about nothing, and several conversations that were robots trying to sell me porn before disconnecting, I ran across a better than average stranger.

The following is the complete and unedited transcript of our conversation. If you enjoy this sort of content, let me know. I’ll do whatever I want either way… I just like hearing from you!

(Clears throat)

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say STAND WITH HONG KONG AGAINST THE CCP!

You: Are you a porn robot? : )

You: I hipe not

You: Hope not

You: 10 of those in a row lol

Stranger: No

Stranger: I’m not typing that shitbol

You: (Sigh of relief)

Stranger: M?

Stranger: F?

You: 26, M, USA

You: You?

Stranger: 18 m usa

You: Did you vote?

Stranger: No wasn’t able too

You: Ah… didn’t miss much : )

Stranger: Yeah honestly lol

You: Save that first vote for someone decent…

You: But then you’d never vote lol

Stranger: Yeah lol

Stranger: I mean right now they both seem pretty bad

You: Yeah, that’s been my experience

You: There’s usually someone tolerable in a third party that stands no chance

Stranger: Yeah you have to be either republican or democrat to win

You: Yep

You: By the people, for the people…

Stranger: Yeah

You: THomas had never before seen such b*********

Stranger: I mean it could be worse lol

You: Yeah, we’re not North Korea

You: We’re fed

You: We’re alive

You: Life is good

Stranger: Yeah that’s a good way to see it

You: Are you in high school, or free from all that?

Stranger: No communism lol

You: Big no to communism : )

Stranger: Just graduated a few months back

You: Ah, congratulations!

Stranger: Eh

Stranger: It didn’t feel like it honestly

You: Feel like what?

Stranger: It didn’t feel like a graduation

Stranger: Kinda was just sad

You: Oh, true…

You: Did they just pass everyone?

Stranger: No

Stranger: Just felt alone

You: That’s fair at least

You: When you’re 80 you can share this dismal tale with your fellow crones though

You: So there’s that

Stranger: ….

Stranger: Fair point but I don’t like having regret

You: Maybe you could organize a reunion or something

You: And actually have a ceremony

Stranger: No I rather not

You: I get that : )

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Why you on here?

You: Wanted to talk to someone new

Stranger: Good point

You: Bored with fake people, so anonymous people can be honest

You: Weird, but true

You: Orat least they seem honest

Stranger: Yeah lol I know what you mean

Stranger: I try to be honest when I can

You: You can really say anything here and there are no downsides

You: So why not be honest?

Stranger: Yeah why not

Stranger: Well

Stranger: What do you like to do?

You: I love pretty much any type of game…

You: I like music, acting, artsy stuff

Stranger: Sounds like someone I know

You: I LOVE teaching, but that’s my job

Stranger: Your a teacher?

You: Yeah, private music teacher

Stranger: …

Stranger: I won’t say anything lol

You: Poor and happy : )

Stranger: Yeah teachers are underrated

You: Good teachers are

Stranger: Yeah good teachers

You: All I really remember about high school and college are the good teachers

You: Not the content…

You: Just the teachers

You: And a few girls I screwed it up with, but hey

Stranger: I’ve already screwed up with one

You: It’s a good start

Stranger: ….

You: Honestly, it hurts but it’s worth it

Stranger: How’s it worth it?

You: Every time I drive certain places or do cerain things

You: I remember how it was with one girl

You: It’s the sort of genuine relationship that you can’t have with any old friend

You: Most of my relationships haven’t been that deep, but every once in a while…

You: THe happiest memories are with people you love

Stranger: Yeah, they honestly are

Stranger: I just lost a genuine relationship

You: Your choice or hers?

You: Or mutual?

Stranger: Her

You: Or his, I guess

Stranger: I wasn’t the best

You: No teenage guys are, honestly

You: I sure wasn’t

You: And I was one of the good ones lol

Stranger: I know but I really tried

Stranger: But I just broke I guess

Stranger: I got to clingy

You: It just makes sense

You: When you love them, you want to be with them

You: You’re lucky to learn it early

Stranger: It makes me sad

You: It’s good you can say that and feel that

You: Forget being macho

You: It’s healthy to be honest with yourself

Stranger: Yeah it is

You: What was she like?

Stranger: She was

Stranger: Really cute, her personality was adorable, artsy was so loving wanted to always cuddle me

Stranger: Her personality matched with mine oddly enough

Stranger: Met the family too

Stranger: She also loved video games

You: Sounds like a keeper : )

Stranger: ;—;

You: What changed?

Stranger: At the end I just got to clingy and she started to lose feelings

You: How long ago was this?

Stranger: And I was starting to be mean and started to get more jealous

Stranger: 6 months ago

Stranger: We stopped talking so yeah

Stranger: Well she did

You: Might be worth just sending a text… not to get back together, just to say hi

Stranger: I rather not..

You: Tell her you met a weird stranger online and he got you thinking about her

You: Worst case scenario, nothing changes

You: Best case, you can be friends

Stranger: Yeah and that hurts the most

You: And it’s worth having a genuine friend

Stranger: Heard she’s been talking to another guy

You: Of course she is!

Stranger: A friend told me so yeah

You: If she’s great, she’ll be looking

Stranger: Wdym?

You: If she quit talking to you and never met anyone else, that’d be a bad sign

You: Maybe she was depressed or something

You: If she’s talking to other guys, it means she’s still healthy and social

You: And you want her to be in good health and good spirits

Stranger: Yeah I do

Stranger: She was a sad girl

You: Don’t give up on her just because she moved on

You: But don’t be pushy

You: Give her value and ask nothing in return

Stranger: I’m just trying to move on

You: That’s fair too

Stranger: I don’t think she wants to talk honestly

Stranger: I sent her text on the Fourth of July she ghosted me so yeah

You: I’m just using you as a bit of a proxy for younger me

You: If I’d known what I know now, I might be a dad by now lol

Stranger: Bruh I’m not trying to be one yet

Stranger: Well..

You: You shouldn’t be : )

Stranger: With her.. I might of been

You: You’ve got plenty of time

You: Exactly!

You: You say you don’t like regrets

You: This is a chance to triumph over life

You: And there’s no consequence to failure

Stranger: I mean

Stranger: Death can be a consequence to failure lol

You: Does she murder people who text her memes?

You: Might be a red flag… : )

Stranger: No she loved memes

You: Exactly

You: When you find a good one, maybe every two or three months, email her

You: And don’t ask for or expect a reply

You: You want to give her value

You: And stay on her mind

You: Boyfriends come and go

You: Good men don’t

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Wow

Stranger: That’s the best advice I’ve heard about this honesty

You: Thank you

You: I’m glad to have suffered so I can see it from a different viewpoint

You: I wish I’d kept in touch with some girls, but I was too scared

You: Or figured they’d be annoyed

Stranger: Yeah

You: She needed space, and you gave it to her

You: Love isn’t a state of being… it’s an action

You: You can move on, but don’t feel like you have to

Stranger: Yeah

You: Anyway, I’ll shut up : )

Stranger: But idk I’ve had some bad experiences with women

You: I’d hope so!

Stranger: ;—;

You: Most women aren’t worth the chase, frankly

Stranger: Your very optimistic lol

You: That’s why you chase the good ones

You: I try : )

Stranger: It’s kinda hard to know which ones a good one

Stranger: But yeah that’s true

You: True

You: And for a long time the good ones don’t show it

You: ‘Cause they’re scared of being honest

You: They don’t want to be rejjected as people

You: But they’re okay being rejected as a facade

You: So they act fake as a security mechanism

You: If you can put aside your fear and be yourself, you’ll get rejected a lot

You: But you’ll find the real thing

You: If you fake it, you never will

You: So I’d encourage you to be selflessly yourself and pursue what you love

Stranger: That’s some pretty good advice

Stranger: I mean I believe in parts of that too

Stranger: I’ve always tried to be my real self to people

Stranger: And she loved it too even it showed my bad sides too

You: So you made one mistake, albeit a big one

You: If you attack her with “It’s not my fault,” then it is your fault

You: But if she’s worth it, she’ll appreciate your ammends

Stranger: I never did

You: Exactly

Stranger: A lot of it was my fault and I told her that

You: That’s a great first step

Stranger: And always apologized

You: That makes you better than 90% of humans ever

You: You took responsibility

Stranger: She had an issue with sorrys because she always thought she did something wrong

Stranger: I always tried to make her feel better and tried to make her feel better

Stranger: I just had a stroke

You: Actually laughing out loud now : )

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: But I would comfort her a lot

You: I don’t know if you’re religious, but I want to share a thought about prayer… bear with me : )

You: A lot of people think prayer doesn’t work

You: So I ask what God they pray to

Stranger: I’m not religious but I don’t mind prayers

You: They pray to a God they don’t believe in to ask for things they think can’t happen

You: And they’re shocked when it doesn’t work

You: YOU are the God of your own life

You: If you believe in yourself and ask for things you believe can happen…

You: They will

You: Rant over : )

Stranger: Hm yeah i mean I’m a Buddhist those beliefs are somewhat similar

You: I wish I could think of a non-religious analogy that says the same thing

Stranger: Nah religious analogy’s are pretty good

You: But basically… You get what you pursue if you pursue it long enough… or you die, and then you don’t mind ’cause you’re dead

You: I’d rather die having tried my utmost

You: Than live knowing I quit on something or someone important

Stranger: You know I’ve been in a slump lately

You: How so?

Stranger: Just lost and don’t know what to do

You: Welcome to 18-26 : )

You: Probably longer

You: This is the puberty of the spirit

Stranger: I mean I want to go to college and get a degree in psychology

Stranger: Get fit, start reading more, find more hobbies other than gaming

Stranger: But I feel just demotivated all the time

Stranger: Yeah I know it happens but I don’t like it.

You: Good!

You: If you like where you’re at, you’re dead

You: If you do nothing with life, you’re dead

You: Bcaus you aren’t living

You: And yet here you are, with the knowlege of what you want

You: And the greatest opportunity in the world to pursue it

Stranger: I mean isn’t it written in the constitution

Stranger: The pursuit of happiness

You: Exactly!

You: You have alkl the right answer : )

You: Have you applied to colleges?

Stranger: I did

Stranger: Idk I think I might go to a community college


You: You’re a king lol

You: GO to the easiest community college you can

You: Take the easiest classes you can

You: And spend all of your effort learning about psychology

You: YOu will learn little to nothing of value from most colleges

You: So spend the easy years educating yourself

You: Send letters to authors and professors

You: Buy them lunch and ask them questions

You: Be your own teacher

You: And by the time you transfer to a University, you will be friends with experts

You: And more qualified than 99% of graudates before you even start

You: In the meantime, starting when we end this conversation, do a pushup

You: One pushup

You: Not more

You: Tomorrow, do two

You: Then three the next day

Stranger: About the workout

You: DO them in multiple parts, or on your knees…

You: Whatever it takes

Stranger: I somewhat already do

You: Good!

You: Do it every day

You: Never skip

Stranger: Idk when I first found out about her I started working out four hours a day

You: And did you burn out?

Stranger: I almost died lol

You: I can’t imagine : ) I can barely do two hours and I’m in decent shape

Stranger: Idk Im out of shape

Stranger: I honestly don’t know how I did it


You: If you want it, it happens

You: If you keep wanting it, it keeps happening

You: Comfort is your enemy

Stranger: But my bed is warm

You: Yes

Stranger: Sho warm lol

You: If I were half the man you are, I’d throw out my bed

You: Which is better? A warm bed, or the life you always dreamed of?

Stranger: I mean I can have both if I try hard enough

You: Sure

You: But make the warm bed the reward for the quest

You: If you get the bed first, you never go on the journey

Stranger: A warm bed in a life I dreamed of

You: And you’ll have it

You: The bed is easy, it’s comfy, it’s warm, it makes you happy

You: Why wouldn’t you want it?

You: But you don’t want ONLY it, right?

You: If you do, congratulations! You’re done! You win!

You: Life is easy forever

Stranger: Weird

Stranger: I want easy but at the same time I don’t

You: You like easy

You: You want good

You: Good disguise itself as easy as a trap

You: If you settle for easy, you’ll become me

You: Happy, content, poor, and regretful

You: And it’s fine

You: You’ll be normal

You: But in the next two or three years of your life you can change yourself

You: What’s hard now only gets harder

You: What’s hard now may be impossible in ten years

You: Live while you can

Stranger: Yeah and that scares me

Stranger: I wanna do a lot of stuff already when I’m young

You: Normalcy?

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: And no

You: Honestly, if you don’t get addicted to something or kill someone, your life will be fine

You: The floor is very high

You: You just have the potential for a high ceiling as well

You: Every day the ceiling gets lower

You: But if you work at something, you pursue something you love, it waits

You: I’m going to log off now

Stranger: It was nice talking to youu

You: You’re going to do a pushup and buy a book on psychology

Stranger: Thank you stranger

You: Send an email to a professor at a school you applied to

You: And keep an eye out for something your girl will smile at

Stranger: I hope your life goes well and I hope you continue to be happy

You: I’m quite confident it will!

You: Thanks stranger!

Stranger: Yeaaah

Stranger: Imma save this conversation

You: Me too : )

You have disconnected.

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Ancient Wisdom

“Let he who is without fault

Cast the first stone.”

-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners

“Just because my path is different

“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”

-Traditional Male Excuse

“Even though I walk

“Through the darkest valley

“I will fear no evil

“For you are with me.”

-Man With Concealed Handgun License

“Faith can move mountains.”

-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother

“There’s something about a woman

“With a loud mind

“Who sits in silence, smiling

“Knowing she can crush you

“With the truth.”

-Some hoe, probably

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Also, This Just Came In The Mail…

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What I Look For In A Lady

I’d be wary of a felon

But she needn’t be a saint.

She eats food almost every day

And will very seldom faint.

She has two eyes, two nostrils too,

And her scalp is topped with hair.

Her days are always better

When she has access to breathable air.

I may sound picky when I say this

But she should have a mouth that can open.

Is there such a perfect girl?

Well, ’til we know, here’s hopin’.

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Zero is the number

Of hours I slept

Before a 2:00 AM shuttle

To the airport today.


Zero is the number

Of friendly cute girls

In the security line

That I met on the way.


Zero is the number

Of lightning storms I missed

Flying into Houston

A half hour late


Zero is the number

Of minutes I had

To get from my landing

To my connecting flight’s gate.


Zero is the number

Of on-time flights departing

In the 40-plane lineup

That the airport had grown.


Zero is the number

That shows up in red

In the battery section

Of my cellular phone.


Zero’s the number

In military time

That my plane finally landed

At my final city.


Zero is the number

Out of one checked bag

That was at the airport

Waiting for me.


Zero is the number

Of poems technically written

By me on Tuesday

June 28.


Zero is the number

Of f**ks I give

That this hard-fought travel poem’s

Published 12 minutes late.

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Hey Baby, Want Some Rice, Soy Sauce, Chicken Breast, Peas…

As I write this poem

I’m sitting on the couch

With a plate of fried rice

And a bit of a slouch.

I’ve got four cats admiring

Me, like I’m Bill Gates.

If cats are this easy,

Then why not soulmates?

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How To Make A Simple Meal For Company

This poem is a preview from my upcoming book, an as-of-yet untitled collection of 99 How-To Poems. Enjoy!

So you’re having friends or family
For a meal at your abode.
Last time you made a crumby meal,
And, alas, it kinda showed…

Here’s a foolproof strategy
To ensure your reputation
Remains intact. And luckily
It takes little preparation.

To understand one’s audience
Is a chef’s most vital feat.
You would not serve aged lettuce
Or cheese fresh from the teat.

Likewise, the understanding
That a dinner party guest
Mostly wants to be entertained
Will inform your menu best.

So, what food is entertaining
That is also easy to make?
How about a meal where a stripper
Comes jumping out of a cake?

Serve it with a side of green beans
That you got from a can
And your party will be talked about
Agan and agan and agan.

To make this meal, you need a phone
And, for each guest, a plate.
If you plan to use the internet,
Get your McAfee up to date.

Then search or call a while
‘Til you find a girl named “Candy,”
Because that would be ironic,
Which, at parties, comes in handy.

Then order a cake from Costco
To ensure she’ll fit inside.
Then all you’ve got is time to kill
And other time to bide.

And finally when your guests arrive
To partake of your feast
They’ll look around for dinner
But their eyes will find your beast.

By “your beast” I mean the cake,
Not Candy, by the way.
Some might scoff and call you names,
But trust me, that’s okay,

For when they see that cake explode
With the force of an under-clad dame
The word of the week in the neighborhood
Will surely be your name.

So go and throw your dinner bash
And have so much fun it’s a crime.
Rest easy, this plan is foolproof
And saves both time and thyme.

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It Takes One to Know One

I know a French guy with forty hands.

They grow all over his torso.

People will stare, but he doesn’t care,

Not even the tiniest morçeau.


He’s a plumber who plays the piano,

And can do both at the same time.

He cooks very well, and what’s also swell

Is how he can act like a mime.


My many handed French handyman

Gives me lots of pleasure in life.

But I wish when he cooks and plays music

He would keep his hands off my wife.

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Entrepreneurship in the Global Warming Era

Somebody stole my lemonade stand.

I’m not sure how it was done,

But without my main source of income

I was not having very much fun.


Lucky for me, global warming

Made this heat wave quite an ordeal,

And I comforted folks with my fried egg stand,

‘Cause the sidewalk’s much harder to steal.

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Pop Songs 2

Dedicated to the memory of the first “Pop Songs.”

I’m gonna love lovin’ you


You’re gonna be my first true

You betcha, I’m gonna getcha

Baby, Oh oh!

We’re goin’ downtown, babe.


Gonna meet with my cousin, Gabe.

I’m in the mood, you’re looking good.

Gabe-y, oh oh!

Oh yeah






We’re gonna strum three chords.


We’re gonna calve like fjords.

I’ll be your Malfoy if you’ll be my Goyle.

Crabbe-y, oh oh!

I’m gonna write you a rhyme.


We’ll have our Rosemary thyme.

Was I inspired when this song was sired?

Maybe, oh oh!

Oh yeah

This song just gets dumma ‘n dumma

Parsley and sage can’t express my rage!

Looking around 

For words that end with the same sound!

Mispronounced Harry Potter villains

Interferin’ with our chillin’s.

(Dramatic pause)

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