Well the Honky-Tonks in Portland
Are heaven’s gift to me.
They’ll pour you out a microbrew
Called “stop animal cruelty.”
The bartender’s named “Yoga Matt.”
The piano man plays celeste.
Well, no, it’s not quite Texas
But Portland-Tonk’s the best.
They’ll serve you soymilk eggnog
Or an extra strong chai tea.
You can get your whiskey straight
Or LGQBT.
You can dance all night to new classics,
Maybe find yourself a dame.
It might be a guy but you don’t mind
‘Cause they all dress the same.
You needn’t fear a gunfight
‘Cause they’re gun-free zones.
If someone micro-aggresses you
You just tweet it and go home.
So come next Friday evening
You can braid your hair and beard
And come on down to Portland.
They’re non-gender-specific kings of weird!
The Daily Travesty 