Tag Archives: Funny

Ode To A Xylophone

Thirty-six to forty-eight

Bars of polished wood

Cut in a way that they vibrate

To play the note they should.

It isn’t quite a saxophone

If used to woo the fairer sex

But out from the crowd it has grown

Because its name starts with an X.

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Ancient Wisdom

“Let he who is without fault

Cast the first stone.”

-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners

“Just because my path is different

“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”

-Traditional Male Excuse

“Even though I walk

“Through the darkest valley

“I will fear no evil

“For you are with me.”

-Man With Concealed Handgun License

“Faith can move mountains.”

-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother

“There’s something about a woman

“With a loud mind

“Who sits in silence, smiling

“Knowing she can crush you

“With the truth.”

-Some hoe, probably

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And Why Hasn’t Japan Followed Suit?

Sometimes I watch the Stars and Stripes,

The symbol of American rule of law

And wonder who first thought “Hey!

“That would look good as a bra!”

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Accidental Victories

Alex Trebek said “It’s used to indicate

“A person or object in the speaker’s sight.”

Bewildered, I asked “What is that?”

And it turns out I was right.

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Cooked Allah Mode

There is a mighty crater here

Where recently there wasn’t.

Ali-Baba said his bomb works

And I said “No it doesn’t.”

Ali-Baba sure was right.

Correct ’twas the hunch he had,

But he misread the bombs locale.

Thus ended his jihad.

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Adventures In Milk Purchasing

I am a human

Who lives in a place

Where food can be purchased to eat.

Some take that for granted,

Some think it’s a nuisance,

And I think it’s pretty darn neat.

But sometimes I wonder

About fellow shoppers

Who bought before I came along.

I used to think fondly

Of my fellow humans*

But now I have proof I was wrong.

*This is a lie, but the photo is real

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You Pull Me Down (The Alcohol Song)

When my body is strong

And my conscience is clean,

When troubles flee

And there’s no pain to be seen

Then I sip you

And fade into the white noise

Until the darkness comes

And has its way with me.

You pull me down

So I can walk on water.

You pull me down

To kiss a killer bee.

I am loud

And damp and have a bee sting.

You pull me down

And show the real me.

Then I awake

And find my house is tattered,

My lampshade’s gone

And so’s my front door key

And on my arm

My blood says “Margueritte wuz here.”

I don’t know her

But I guess she knew me.

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