Toto, We’re Not In Texas Anymore

Well the Honky-Tonks in Portland

Are heaven’s gift to me.

They’ll pour you out a microbrew

Called “stop animal cruelty.”

The bartender’s named “Yoga Matt.”

The piano man plays celeste.

Well, no, it’s not quite Texas

But Portland-Tonk’s the best.

They’ll serve you soymilk eggnog

Or an extra strong chai tea.

You can get your whiskey straight


You can dance all night to new classics,

Maybe find yourself a dame.

It might be a guy but you don’t mind

‘Cause they all dress the same.

You needn’t fear a gunfight

‘Cause they’re gun-free zones.

If someone micro-aggresses you

You just tweet it and go home.

So come next Friday evening

You can braid your hair and beard

And come on down to Portland.

They’re non-gender-specific kings of weird!


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