Toto, We’re Not In Texas Anymore

Well the Honky-Tonks in Portland

Are heaven’s gift to me.

They’ll pour you out a microbrew

Called “stop animal cruelty.”

The bartender’s named “Yoga Matt.”

The piano man plays celeste.

Well, no, it’s not quite Texas

But Portland-Tonk’s the best.

They’ll serve you soymilk eggnog

Or an extra strong chai tea.

You can get your whiskey straight

Or LGQBT.

You can dance all night to new classics,

Maybe find yourself a dame.

It might be a guy but you don’t mind

‘Cause they all dress the same.

You needn’t fear a gunfight

‘Cause they’re gun-free zones.

If someone micro-aggresses you

You just tweet it and go home.

So come next Friday evening

You can braid your hair and beard

And come on down to Portland.

They’re non-gender-specific kings of weird!

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