Tag Archives: Weird

Finally Some Recognition!

‘Twas the day after Easter

And the kids were off school

Eating copious sugar

And emitting much drool

When a rabbit emerged

And said “Sorry I’m late!”

Then he hid eggs all over

And hopped over the gate.

The children tried chasing,

But bunnies are fast…

Then it dawned on a child

Who whispered at last

“If the bunny came here

“Today, who was that

“Who brought candy yesterday?”

Thus smiled the Easter Rat.

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And If She’s A Snail, We Might Go Back To Her Place

If I met an invertebrate

I’d probably try to flirt a bit.

I’d say “You look fine”

“With your lack of a spine“

Then possibly lift up her skirt a bit.

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How Kids Tell Stories

‘Twas a Wednesday like any other

Except the part where mother

Put our pet fish in a tank

And then the army came

To get their tank back

And also the part with the lizards…

My favorite color is orange.

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Attack of the Alabaster Basil from the planet Flaccidpookum (Or Why Originality Is Not As Important As You Think)

It was a normal day in the white house,

Or so President Smellingsalt thought…

Until the sky opened and blood rained down

Like the street corner prophets were taught

And a sprig of an herb, aromatic and pale

Smote the Earth and declared “I’m your master!”

And the humans proclaimed, “Oh no! What the heck!

“It’s basil that’s somehow Alabaster!”

And the basil proclaimed from celestial height

“Yes, people of Earth. Your statement is right!”

But what happened next to the humans did shook ‘em…

The basil declared “I am from Flaccidpookum!”

After that day life was largely the same

Except people drank a lot more hoppy beers.

The saddest part is this poem’s more original

Than anything Hollywood’s made for the past dozen years.

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Milk Was Just The Beginning (The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Saga)

People are always joking

About how it weirds them out

That someone grabbed a cow’s udder

And drank what came out.

But I’m wondering who

Ground some wheat with a stone

Mixed it with milk and bacteria

Then left it alone

Before heating it up

To 300 degrees

And then frying it up

With some butter and cheese…

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Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…

They make elbow pasta,

Bow ties and angel hair,

But I think they should make a noodle

For guys who have a pair:

A noodle like the balls that hang

Behind your pickup truck…

(It was at this point my girlfriend said

I’m already in luck).

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A True Hunter’s End

I was a monster hunter

In a past life, but alas

I was reincarnated

As a big-mouth billy bass

And instead of hunting demons,

Slaying dragons and the like

I sing “Take me to the river”

To a naked guy named “Spike.”

It wasn’t quite the future

I imagined when I fell.

I did not find Valhalla

But a special sort of Hell.

But in between my bursts of song

And bobbing of my head

I dream of where I’ll be reborn

When next I’m stricken dead…

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Apparently “Oline” Makes Things Less Amusing

God has a sense of humor.

Ask me how I know!

I see proof in everything,

Like how the falling snow

Looks like the Millennium Falcon

Even before it was a thing,

Or how when we eat too much

Our butts spontaneously sing.

I like that sense of humor,

But one thing I don’t find funny

Is how, when I fart, my gas is free

But I still pay for gas with money.

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Fair Retails Before Bed

Once there was a tired gent.

To bed went he; To sleep he went.

The other folks said “Mama Mia!”

For the bed he went was in Ikea.

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Everything’s Better With Blankets

Everything’s better with blankets!;

That’s an objective fact!

If someone says “No thanks, I’m good”

Something in their brain has cracked.

Everything’s better with blankets

Because they are fuzzy and warm.

You have one when born, as a kid, and so on

Until you move into a dorm.

Whether a fleece or a quilt or a sheet

Or a comforter or a duvet

A blanket inspired the doer of everything

To say an emphatic “Yay!”

Everything’s better with blankets

And that’s the precise reason why

You should never ask me what is

The secret ingredient in my pie.

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