A daddy seashell said to his son
“If you want to have some fun
“Hold a human ear to your shell
“And you can hear the sound of blood. ‘Tis swell!”
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Tag Archives: Weird
Somewhere, 1.923% Of My Readers Just Pooped Themselves (The Other 98.077 Need To Reevaluate Their Fetishes)
Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.
Pick a random card and write it down.
Then think of the number of letters
In the name of your favorite town…
If you subtract the number you thought of
From how often you think of French maids
You’ll find that the card you have written
Is in fact the seven of spades.
Filed under Poems
A 49-Week Relationship
One day a friend said he’d set me up
With “A girl, 18/19.”
That turned into the weirdest date
On which I’ve ever been,
‘Cause when you see 18/19
You read the “/” as “or.”
He meant it as a fraction.
I don’t do blind dates anymore.
Filed under Poems
Hopscotch Reimagined
Who are these people,
These lines of numbered squares?
How do they feel
As the world around them stares?
As they’re moved from chalk outlines
Into their waiting coffin
We wonder why they’re murdered
On playgrounds so often…
Filed under Poems
Death: A Children’s Book
🤕
This is Stan.
Stan is dead.
Stan’s dead ’cause he hit his head.
😢
When you hit your head you cry
And sometimes you, like Stan, will die
👻
But if you don’t, don’t feel blue…
There are other ways to quit life too!
😷
You can die from a disease
Passed on by friends or mice or fleas.
🤑🎆
You can be killed by overwork
Or even by a firework!
🤡
A clown can kill you at a fair
(Though I’ll admit that’s rather rare)
🦘
Or you can die by kangaroo
(Though I’ll admit that that’s rare too).
❤️
Most folks die of heart disease
From not eating their broccolis.
♋️
Cancer kills a lot of folks
And it’s the butt of many jokes.
💯
Everybody’s going to die
But there’s no need for you to cry,
😤
But if you keep crying soon you can
Meet our head wound idol, Stan!
🤕
Filed under Poems
Bachelor Life
Sometimes
When I see a beautiful woman
I feel compelled
To approach her,
Take a sip of champagne,
Gargle it loudly for 12.5 seconds
Then just walk away
‘Cause I don’t need all that drama.
Mississippi Family Reunions
She said “My name is Margaret.”
He said “My name is Jake,
“And may I say, dear sister,
“You smell different when you’re awake.”
Filed under Poems
