Tag Archives: Weird

How To Make French Toast?

Could somebody help me, perchance?

I’m vacationing somewhere in France

And my most gracious host

Asked to make them a toast

But objected when the eggs and cream got on their pants…


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Why I Will Encourage My Future Children To Be Suicide Prevention Counselors And/Or Trampoline Truck Drivers

I hear the smooth jazz

And hit the button for roof,

My heart beating its last,

My face held aloof.

The smog smiles wryly

As the doors slide aside.

I stand still for a moment,

The last time I’ll ever bide.

The horns ring below

From the unthinking mob,

Too tired to be angry,

Too doleful to sob.

The pigeons sing glumly.

I think of my sins.

Below the light turns red.

And my plummet begins.

My mind is cold silver

Filled with screams from below

Yet the light’s green again

And the cars start to go.

And then my fall ends

Not with New York concrete

But a trampoline truck

Driving by on the street.

I find myself soaring

Up and up, past the sky

Even frat boys would say

“He’s really high.”

I fly off the planet,

Gently drop to the moon

Where I land next to Elvis

Atop a dusty gray dune.

Somehow I’m still breathing.

Somehow I’m not dead.

Somehow all this happened

Just like my therapist said!

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Hard Hypotheticals

If I could clone myself

And make an evil twin

I probably wouldn’t.

But somewhere out there

The guy whose evil twin

Would’ve killed Hitler

Is regretting his choice

Not to make an evil clone.

Now I’m doubting my decision…

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The Personified Double-Negative

Tyrants will be tyrants.

Braggarts will be braggarts.

These statements are self-evident

And fear no refutation.

Logicians will be logical.

Artists will be artistic.

So do or do not contrarians

Deserve their reputation?

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If The Shoe Fits…

I lived a life of luxury.

I thought I had it all

Until I met my true love

At the climactic royal ball.

Her dress had such a shimmer,

Like her slippers made of glass.

Her smile moved a mountain

And OMG dat ass!

We danced ’til past eleven

Before she fled into the night

Leaving my heart in tatters

And a slipper in her flight.

I picked up the glassy remnant

Of the girl who once was mine

And tried it on. Who would’ve guessed

We both wore a lady’s size 9?

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How Else Would You Pass The Time When You’re All Tied-Up, Half-Naked, And Waiting For Rescue?

I bet that back in elder days,

When dragons roamed the sky

And virgins all got kidnapped

To be rescued by some guy

That said virgins played a game

Where, in a future land,

They were ordinary citizens

Who love they did demand

From virgins playing games

In which they acted like a knight

Rescuing imaginary virgins

Kidnapped by dragons. Am I right?

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Catholicism Admits Defeat… But They’ll Be Back!

Father Paul, I write to you

Regarding brother Kyle.

He has not been remade anew

So likely you won’t smile:

His dog still fits his Gucci purse,

His favorite color’s aubergine,

His dream’s to be a male nurse,

And all his sentences end with “you know what I mean?”

His moisturizer smells like plum

And adds to his feng shui.

Of this I’m fairly certain:

We didn’t pray the gay away. 

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