God has a sense of humor.
Ask me how I know!
I see proof in everything,
Like how the falling snow
Looks like the Millennium Falcon
Even before it was a thing,
Or how when we eat too much
Our butts spontaneously sing.
I like that sense of humor,
But one thing I don’t find funny
Is how, when I fart, my gas is free
But I still pay for gas with money.
Filed under Poems
Once there was a tired gent.
To bed went he; To sleep he went.
The other folks said “Mama Mia!”
For the bed he went was in Ikea.
Filed under Poems
Everything’s better with blankets!;
That’s an objective fact!
If someone says “No thanks, I’m good”
Something in their brain has cracked.
Everything’s better with blankets
Because they are fuzzy and warm.
You have one when born, as a kid, and so on
Until you move into a dorm.
Whether a fleece or a quilt or a sheet
Or a comforter or a duvet
A blanket inspired the doer of everything
To say an emphatic “Yay!”
Everything’s better with blankets
And that’s the precise reason why
You should never ask me what is
The secret ingredient in my pie.
Filed under Poems
I love you
With all my heart,
Like hobos love
A shopping cart,
Like children laugh
When people fart,
When we are near
Or far apart.
Filed under Poems
Tomorrow’s a day of new life,
Promising Earth without strife
Then we hide unborn fowls
And add weight to our jowls
Then we eat the mascots with a knife.
Filed under Poems
I like to imagine that somebody said
“I’m naming my child Cheff
“‘Cause that’s the sound a choo choo makes
“When played in super high def.”
Then their friend said, “Yeah, Cheff sounds cool
“But what if the first syllable
“Sounded like a French librarian
“Trying to shush people into a lull?”
Filed under Poems
I don’t go to parties
Because I am a geek.
I have never cut my hair
Because I am a freak.
I play old school RPGs
Because I am a dork,.
I’m still proud because I don’t
Eat pizza with a fork.
Filed under Poems
In the bible it’s very clear
That having sex with one who’s near
To you in blood is something that one doesn’t.
If you’re another brother’s mother
Be wary choosing a significant other
Because sin be cousins causin’ cousins.
Filed under Poems
One day at breakfast I asked my niece
“What if a bowl of cereal were all just one piece?”
My niece said, “I don’t mean to boast
“But I invented that cereal. I call it ‘Toast.’”
Filed under Poems
Of all the films that ever ended
Then were released in versions extended
The biggest scene these films still lack
Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”
Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy
Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky
Sees a disembodied hand somewhere
And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”
Moments later Steve just laughed
When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft
Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader
And went back home to his giant crater.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 