If you wake up unconscious
And find yourself asleep
Just close your eyes and wake again
And sink into the deep
Until the morning moon above
Makes nightingales howl
To lull you back to wakefulness
Aside the noontime owl.
Then your dreams and memories
Merge into one sensation
And your subconscious thoughts
Will guide you to your destination.
But if you wake up conscious
Go give your parents hugs
And thank them for advising you
To just say “no” to drugs.
Filed under Poems
Horror movies are just Groundhog Day
But it’s Halloween instead.
Now with that insight passed on
I’m going to go to bed.
Filed under Poems
Somewhere, in an all-gender bathroom,
The attack helicopters hover
At opposite ends of the row of urinals
Not speaking to each other
But grateful that the war is over.
I stand between them,
Pretending that I’m peeing.
In a nearby stall
The aardvarks howl.
Filed under Poems
If you eat noodles with a knife
I bet you probably love your life.
If your best friend is a cat
Your probably satisfied with that.
If your name starts with a Z
You’re already cooler than me.
What makes you weird’s what makes you you
So unto your weird self be true.
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“Why do you have a dog poop bag
“If you don’t have a dog?“
“I still have poop though, don’t I?“
-Conversations from my jog
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If you say “Sentimental Salamander” ten times
Then bellow, “Meet your doom”
People on the train will give you space
So yay to more leg room!
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So you know when you’re in public
And you kinda need to poop
So you go into the restroom
And kinda do a stoop
And pray that all the excrement
That needs to leave your bum
Will flow into the toilet
Before your knees get numb?
You wait and wait for seven years
(The watch would say 1 minute)
‘Til you let loose a bunny turd
And you say, “That’s good, innit?”
And then you do the little walk
Back to the restaurant table
And though you still have to poop
You also want to seem mentally stable?
Filed under Poems
In the year 2075
I’ll be watching Star Wars 25
With my grandkid, Skibidaura
And sentient Venusian flora
And I’ll wonder why I’m still alive.
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There once was a dude so tough
That he grabbed a horse by the scruff
And then used extreme heat
To melt horsey’s feet
Just so he could stick paper to stuff.
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In 1988 they made a movie of a couple
Who died driving off a one lane bridge.
They ended up haunting their family home
Because New Yorkers tried to sell their fridge.
They sang a reggae song about bananas
And almost had a wedding with a demon
And then a random sandworm saved the day
And everybody smiled instead of screamin’.
In 2024 they made a movie of a kid
And her parents and grandparents and a cop who is actually an actor, and an ex-wife and some random murdery boyfriend, etc.
They also had a wedding with a demon
Before a random sandworm saved the day
And I’m just wondering why Hollywood
Can’t just make films the 1988 way.
Filed under Poems
