Tag Archives: Weird

From My Rejected Spongebob Script

A daddy seashell said to his son

“If you want to have some fun

“Hold a human ear to your shell

“And you can hear the sound of blood. ‘Tis swell!”

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Somewhere, 1.923% Of My Readers Just Pooped Themselves (The Other 98.077 Need To Reevaluate Their Fetishes)

Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.

Pick a random card and write it down.

Then think of the number of letters

In the name of your favorite town…

If you subtract the number you thought of

From how often you think of French maids

You’ll find that the card you have written

Is in fact the seven of spades.

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A 49-Week Relationship

One day a friend said he’d set me up

With “A girl, 18/19.”

That turned into the weirdest date

On which I’ve ever been,

‘Cause when you see 18/19

You read the “/” as “or.”

He meant it as a fraction.

I don’t do blind dates anymore.

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Hopscotch Reimagined

Who are these people,

These lines of numbered squares?

How do they feel

As the world around them stares?

As they’re moved from chalk outlines

Into their waiting coffin

We wonder why they’re murdered

On playgrounds so often…

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Death: A Children’s Book

🤕

This is Stan.

Stan is dead.

Stan’s dead ’cause he hit his head.

😢

When you hit your head you cry

And sometimes you, like Stan, will die

👻

But if you don’t, don’t feel blue…

There are other ways to quit life too!

😷

You can die from a disease

Passed on by friends or mice or fleas.

🤑🎆

You can be killed by overwork

Or even by a firework!

🤡

A clown can kill you at a fair

(Though I’ll admit that’s rather rare)

🦘

Or you can die by kangaroo

(Though I’ll admit that that’s rare too).

❤️

Most folks die of heart disease

From not eating their broccolis.

♋️

Cancer kills a lot of folks

And it’s the butt of many jokes.

💯

Everybody’s going to die

But there’s no need for you to cry,

😤

But if you keep crying soon you can

Meet our head wound idol, Stan!

🤕

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Bachelor Life

Sometimes

When I see a beautiful woman

I feel compelled

To approach her,

Take a sip of champagne,

Gargle it loudly for 12.5 seconds

Then just walk away

‘Cause I don’t need all that drama.

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Mississippi Family Reunions

She said “My name is Margaret.”

He said “My name is Jake,

“And may I say, dear sister,

“You smell different when you’re awake.”

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