Tag Archives: Weird

Everything’s Better With Blankets

Everything’s better with blankets!;

That’s an objective fact!

If someone says “No thanks, I’m good”

Something in their brain has cracked.

Everything’s better with blankets

Because they are fuzzy and warm.

You have one when born, as a kid, and so on

Until you move into a dorm.

Whether a fleece or a quilt or a sheet

Or a comforter or a duvet

A blanket inspired the doer of everything

To say an emphatic “Yay!”

Everything’s better with blankets

And that’s the precise reason why

You should never ask me what is

The secret ingredient in my pie.

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My Girl Called This “So Sweet” … Should I Be Worried?

I love you
With all my heart,
Like hobos love
A shopping cart,
Like children laugh
When people fart,
When we are near
Or far apart.

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Also, Jesus I Guess?

Tomorrow’s a day of new life,

Promising Earth without strife

Then we hide unborn fowls

And add weight to our jowls

Then we eat the mascots with a knife.

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Thus, Jeff Was Born

I like to imagine that somebody said

“I’m naming my child Cheff

“‘Cause that’s the sound a choo choo makes

“When played in super high def.”

Then their friend said, “Yeah, Cheff sounds cool

“But what if the first syllable

“Sounded like a French librarian

“Trying to shush people into a lull?”

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There’s Always A Deeper Depravity…

I don’t go to parties

Because I am a geek.

I have never cut my hair

Because I am a freak.

I play old school RPGs

Because I am a dork,.

I’m still proud because I don’t

Eat pizza with a fork.

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It’s True Because It’s True Because It’s True…

In the bible it’s very clear

That having sex with one who’s near

To you in blood is something that one doesn’t.

If you’re another brother’s mother

Be wary choosing a significant other

Because sin be cousins causin’ cousins.

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But You Have To Pour The Milk First

One day at breakfast I asked my niece

“What if a bowl of cereal were all just one piece?”

My niece said, “I don’t mean to boast

“But I invented that cereal. I call it ‘Toast.’”

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If Background Characters Mattered: Star Wars Edition

Of all the films that ever ended

Then were released in versions extended

The biggest scene these films still lack

Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”

Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy

Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky

Sees a disembodied hand somewhere

And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”

Moments later Steve just laughed

When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft

Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader

And went back home to his giant crater.

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Bad News: I’m Banned From Amazon.com… Good News: My Phone Is Waterproof, And Blood Is Thicker Than Water

A friend texted me the word “Nose”

Then: “I wrote the word nose with my nose.”

A second friend texted “Toes”

And I think you see where this eventually goes…

They wrote “Penis”, “Dolphin”, “Rose”

And I knew it was hard to one-up those

Thus my search for “The blood of America’s foes:

“Enough to fill a fireman’s hose.”

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“Andrew’s Shirtless Chest Glistened Under The Golden Sun. He Placed His Hands On My…” Crap… That’s The Summit

I kept climbing mountains

Even after I went blind.

Sure, the view was nothing much

But now instead I find

The mountain tells me stories

That I can read in braille.

Sure, they can be predictable

But they have such great detail!

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