Tag Archives: Weird

Stallion Of The Sea!

A mermaid’s on my back

And another is in my jaws.

One appreciates my service

And the other sees my flaws.

My coat is warm and fluffy

And made of tiny molars.

I’m a great white horseshark

And my virtues have many extollers.

My mane is made of dreams

And my tail’s made of kelp

And if you could speak underwater

My presence would make you call for help.

I can smell blood from miles away.

I can run and jump and swim

But you prefer me to your boyfriend

‘Cause I understand you better than him.

Let’s go for a ride

And munch on a whale.

Who needs horseshoes

Or a boat to sail?

Yes, we can be friends,

Omnivorous kin.

But if you hate me I don’t mind.

I’ve got very thick skin.

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There’s Someone For Everybody

I want you

Like vegan bacon,

Like rain on my birthday,

Like my car being towed.

I want you

Like an unreleased kraken,

Like a giant pet termite

Or a poisonous toad.

I want you

Like an IRS audit,

Like Buffy wanted

A vampire to slay.

Some might hate this poem

But I know you applaud it.

My wants may be wonky

But you like it that way.

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Dream Jobs

When I was a baby

I went to a farm

And learned about the origins of milk.

I was curious and asked

What happens if you’re tasked

With squeezing udders of the masculine cow’s ilk.

And when farmers laughed

And the parents cringed

I knew I’d stumbled on something good

And I knew when I grew up

I would be an artificial inseminator

Whether or not I really ought or should.

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The Honest Politician’s Prayer

I am a tree without a trunk,

A neck without a spine,

A car without a chassis,

A roller coaster with no line.

I’m an eskimo in Florida,

Someone humble in LA.

You’ve probably never seen me

And it’ll probably stay that way.

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But It Makes One Bicep Look Bigger…

Some of you may believe

That I wear my heart on my sleeve

As a matter of choice,

But don’t heed that voice.

There was a surgeon who’s since taken his leave…

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My High School Love Life

The car windows are steamy.

My chest is warm and bare.

My fingers tingle, running

Gently through her golden hair.

Her chin is in my fingers

And I pull her lips to mine.

Our tongues do dance a tango

That defines the word divine.

I pause, she gasps and whimpers

But I say “I’ll be back soon.”

I step into the parking lot

Beneath the crescent moon.

I can read “humane society”

Despite the evening fog.

I tell the clerk “I’ll take her,”

And that’s how I met my dog.

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You Expected A Rhyme? I Expected A Nurturing Home Environment. Ha!

If you’re the type of person

Who’d name their child “Splorch”

I want to meet you

Because my name is Splorch

And my parents left me

When I was young

And you’re probably them.

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