Tag Archives: Weird

Oscarbait 2019

I screamed at the milk carton

“Why doesn’t she love me?”

The milk carton pondered

For a long, long time.

Starring Keanu Reeves.

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Dialects

In America we spell “color;”

In the UK it is “colour” with a U.

In America it’s “blue”

InFrance it is “bleu.”

In America it’s “Hell;”

In Middle Earth it is “Moria.”

In America it’s “yay;”

In Catholic it is “Gloooooooooooooo,ooooooooooo,ooooo,oooooo…ria!”

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A Competitive Game

I asked the rock-paper-scissors champion

The secret of which symbol’s best to choose.

He smiled as he answered: “The key to my success

“Is, when I play, I always try to lose.”

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From My Rejected Spongebob Script

A daddy seashell said to his son

“If you want to have some fun

“Hold a human ear to your shell

“And you can hear the sound of blood. ‘Tis swell!”

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Somewhere, 1.923% Of My Readers Just Pooped Themselves (The Other 98.077 Need To Reevaluate Their Fetishes)

Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.

Pick a random card and write it down.

Then think of the number of letters

In the name of your favorite town…

If you subtract the number you thought of

From how often you think of French maids

You’ll find that the card you have written

Is in fact the seven of spades.

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A 49-Week Relationship

One day a friend said he’d set me up

With “A girl, 18/19.”

That turned into the weirdest date

On which I’ve ever been,

‘Cause when you see 18/19

You read the “/” as “or.”

He meant it as a fraction.

I don’t do blind dates anymore.

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Hopscotch Reimagined

Who are these people,

These lines of numbered squares?

How do they feel

As the world around them stares?

As they’re moved from chalk outlines

Into their waiting coffin

We wonder why they’re murdered

On playgrounds so often…

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