Tag Archives: Weird

Milk Was Just The Beginning (The Grilled Cheese Sandwich Saga)

People are always joking

About how it weirds them out

That someone grabbed a cow’s udder

And drank what came out.

But I’m wondering who

Ground some wheat with a stone

Mixed it with milk and bacteria

Then left it alone

Before heating it up

To 300 degrees

And then frying it up

With some butter and cheese…

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Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…

They make elbow pasta,

Bow ties and angel hair,

But I think they should make a noodle

For guys who have a pair:

A noodle like the balls that hang

Behind your pickup truck…

(It was at this point my girlfriend said

I’m already in luck).

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A True Hunter’s End

I was a monster hunter

In a past life, but alas

I was reincarnated

As a big-mouth billy bass

And instead of hunting demons,

Slaying dragons and the like

I sing “Take me to the river”

To a naked guy named “Spike.”

It wasn’t quite the future

I imagined when I fell.

I did not find Valhalla

But a special sort of Hell.

But in between my bursts of song

And bobbing of my head

I dream of where I’ll be reborn

When next I’m stricken dead…

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Apparently “Oline” Makes Things Less Amusing

God has a sense of humor.

Ask me how I know!

I see proof in everything,

Like how the falling snow

Looks like the Millennium Falcon

Even before it was a thing,

Or how when we eat too much

Our butts spontaneously sing.

I like that sense of humor,

But one thing I don’t find funny

Is how, when I fart, my gas is free

But I still pay for gas with money.

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Fair Retails Before Bed

Once there was a tired gent.

To bed went he; To sleep he went.

The other folks said “Mama Mia!”

For the bed he went was in Ikea.

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Everything’s Better With Blankets

Everything’s better with blankets!;

That’s an objective fact!

If someone says “No thanks, I’m good”

Something in their brain has cracked.

Everything’s better with blankets

Because they are fuzzy and warm.

You have one when born, as a kid, and so on

Until you move into a dorm.

Whether a fleece or a quilt or a sheet

Or a comforter or a duvet

A blanket inspired the doer of everything

To say an emphatic “Yay!”

Everything’s better with blankets

And that’s the precise reason why

You should never ask me what is

The secret ingredient in my pie.

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My Girl Called This “So Sweet” … Should I Be Worried?

I love you
With all my heart,
Like hobos love
A shopping cart,
Like children laugh
When people fart,
When we are near
Or far apart.

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Also, Jesus I Guess?

Tomorrow’s a day of new life,

Promising Earth without strife

Then we hide unborn fowls

And add weight to our jowls

Then we eat the mascots with a knife.

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Thus, Jeff Was Born

I like to imagine that somebody said

“I’m naming my child Cheff

“‘Cause that’s the sound a choo choo makes

“When played in super high def.”

Then their friend said, “Yeah, Cheff sounds cool

“But what if the first syllable

“Sounded like a French librarian

“Trying to shush people into a lull?”

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There’s Always A Deeper Depravity…

I don’t go to parties

Because I am a geek.

I have never cut my hair

Because I am a freak.

I play old school RPGs

Because I am a dork,.

I’m still proud because I don’t

Eat pizza with a fork.

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