Tag Archives: Weird

The Absolutely True Diary of a Trans-Whale

I’ve always admired blue whales,

The largest animals ever

Who traverse the world routinely

And are beautiful, noble, and clever.

And so I became a blue whale

But a good choice, alas, ’tis not been.

I’m surrounded by feminist bloggers

Who just wish they could grow baleen.

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Please Objectify Me!

I think that in a former life

I was a block of wood

Because I like to do nothing

While smelling sort of good,

I’d be hurt if hit by a chainsaw

And I’m warm when set on fire.

My dream is to one day be famous

So next life I’ll be a Goodyear tire

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The Good Orange: An Artificially Intelligent Poem

Today I decided to test the ability of our future robot overlords. What follows is a poem written by the predictive keyboard in my phone… basically me if I were a robot and not a lazy blogger.

The woman who needs a job

Is a good orange

And the only thing that is not a good idea

Is to be the one you want.

The woman who needs a job

Is a good orange

And orange is a great app

And the only thing that is not a problem

Was the only thing I could see.

The woman who needs to be the daughter

Is the only one I noticed.

About the way you want it:

You are the only thing I want.

Needless to say, I think world domination by artificial intelligence is a long way off!

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The Shape Of Water

Last year the guys in Hollywood

Passed on the script I submitted

Wherein a disabled janitor

Masturbates and gets her throat slitted.

Now the very same movie

Wins the Oscar for picture, best.

If only I’d introduced a lizard love-interest…

It’s all in the details, I guess!

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“Hellthrash” Is An Underrated Baby Name

If you go to prison

It’d probably be lame

If your parents gave you

A come-hither name

‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”

Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”

You’re probably in trouble.

That’s why you’re named “Flay.”

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Fired From Hallmark… Again

Why’d the first flamingo think

“I’ll be flightless, awkward, pink?”

How’d the first hippo decide

To be as tall as it was wide?

Why did the first jackass choose

That name as the one to use?

You may wonder, so here’s a clue:

They all wanted to be like you!

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Don’t Let The Faux-Somnolent Diminish Your Importance!

When one says “I must be dreaming”

(Implying you’re something they snoozed)

You should slap them with a chicken

Just to make them more confused.

An alligator also works

But they’re tougher to hide.

Also, if you’re sleepy and poultry-phobic

I find it’s best to stay inside.

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