Tag Archives: Weird

Catholicism Admits Defeat… But They’ll Be Back!

Father Paul, I write to you

Regarding brother Kyle.

He has not been remade anew

So likely you won’t smile:

His dog still fits his Gucci purse,

His favorite color’s aubergine,

His dream’s to be a male nurse,

And all his sentences end with “you know what I mean?”

His moisturizer smells like plum

And adds to his feng shui.

Of this I’m fairly certain:

We didn’t pray the gay away. 

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My Coming Out As Trans-Elderly

Thirty-seven dollars in nickels

Rolled into neat little stacks:

I’ll use them to buy some dill pickles

To eat for my mid-morning snacks.

I’ve got a compulsion to do this,

Though no logic yet as to why.

Perhaps I just want the grocers

To think of me as “that guy.”

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Play To Your Outs

If I played a chess game

With some super-intelligent flies

I think I’d probably win

On account of superior size.

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The Disability We All Must Endure

Some folks called me deaf.

Some folks called me blind.

Some said I was a freak.

Some said I’d lost my mind.

Some said I sort of squealed

When a bird flew at my eye

Which, on account of my blindness and deafness

I can neither confirm nor deny.

Some folks called me Shithead.

Some folks called me Walt.

Both of those are my middle names

Which is my parents’ fault.

Some folks called me other things

Which may have made me sad

But I don’t know the specifics

‘Cause their brail handwriting’s so bad.

Some folks say I’m stubborn.

Some folks say I’m cheerful.

Some folks express gratitude

That I never give them an ear full.

Some say I can’t appreciate

The world like others do,

But at least I know the smell of AXE

So, in that sense, I’m just like you.

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Mr. Lecter Helps Educate Recent Graduates

“Do what makes you happy”

Is what my first psychiatrist said,

So can you really blame me

When the shrink ended up all dead?

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Baby Don’t Got Back

I saw her and yelled to her “Hey!”

Then I asked “those legs go all the way?”

Then I thought “what the heck?”

‘Cause her legs met her neck

Which I noticed as she walked away.

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Who Needs Memory Anyway?

“Clumps of dainty silver bones

Mixed amidst the silent stones

Are bathed not in blood or tears

But in the light of yesteryears.”

I don’t know the meaning of that verse,

If it be blessing or a curse,

But it’s tattooed on my forehead

Which is why I no longer drink before bed.

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