Six months since I finished college,
Four years wasted I reckon
For I can’t remember what I “learned”
And waitstaff openings beckon.
So one afternoon in protest
I went to my front door
And laid down my diploma
Right upon the mudroom floor.
That autographed piece of card stock
Was not very useful at
Getting a foot in the door,
But it makes a good DiploMat.
Filed under Poems
You say I’m small and round and pink.
You’d probably say I’m cute,
But I’ll change your life ’til your naughty words
Are “darn” and “fudge” and “shoot.”
I scream and cry at random,
Especially on planes
And when I get an allowance
I’ll spend it all on trains.
When I grow up I’ll be the first
Astronaut/Magician
Unless I become a firefighter,
President, and magician.
Then when I get to college
(If that’s the path I take)
I’ll send you Facebook pictures
Of me with girls and a snake.
I’ll graduate with a B.A
In a field like liberal studies
‘Cause you funded five long years
For me and my frat buddies.
And then I’ll work for forty years
And die a tired man.
That’s why I want to skip college
And go live in my van.
Filed under Poems
It doesn’t take a PhD
To see just what you do to me.
Sometimes I want an MBA
To manage all I want to say.
I feel the need for an MD
Whenever I feel your caress.
I hope that you love me enough
To tolerate this man’s BS.
Filed under Poems
My eyes water,
My arms sweat,
When I see
My Bernadette.
My tongue goes numb,
And I can’t feel my face
When I see
My lovely Grace.
My feet itch,
My buttocks yawn
When I see
My darling Dawn.
I think that college
Did this to me,
‘Cause I’m a bachelor
In the first degree.
Filed under Poems
Treatises, essays,
And the plural of syllabus.
These are things
I am not gonna miss,
But to be totally honest
I’ll miss walking to classes
Behind those yoga pants girls
With their beautiful… chassis.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 