Tag Archives: Children

An Alternative To The Lemonade Stand

When you experience the Summer

And it’s so hot that you say “Bummer”

I have a solution to your caper:

A fan made from some folded paper!

You can make your own cool Heaven

From a folded eight-and-a-half by eleven

That you swing repeatedly at your face

And hope you cause air to displace.

This air will make your sweat go poof

And you go from hot to cool, aloof.

Buy one now! They’re really nifty!

Or buy two for just $18.50!

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Coming Soon To A Kindergarten Near You

There once was a five-year-old child

Who was happy, and ran somewhat wild.

This continued unabated

Because the child wasn’t medicated

And thus several lawsuits were filed.

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For A Very Tolerant Mother On This Auspicious Day

My mommy was a mother

Since before I was a brother

To my sister, and she kissed her

And tucked her into bed.

Then my mommy had another

(That was me), and then no other;

She was done, and though now I’m fun

Back then we cried ‘til fed.

And feed us well my mother did,

Both me and that darn other kid,

And I’ve attested she never rested

‘Til we kids were satisfied.

Then we got bigger and less cute;

One could walk and one could scoot,

After baby-proofing and pillow floofing

She probably wanted to hide.

Alas, we found her hiding places

And made her wipe our snotty faces.

She loved us still, despite the thrill

Having long since departed.

And then we started going to school,

Which meant less time mopping our drool.

With phlegmless floors she still did chores

As we laughed and said “I farted.”

And even when my sister was bad

(I never was, just ask our dad)

With grace and calm she’d slap her palm

Anywhere but on our faces.

When we got big and pubescent

She gave us the finest present

Like love and stuff, always enough

Yet gave us private spaces.

And oh the years of meals she cooked,

Though overworked and overlooked!

Oh the the years and sweat and tears

Endured by her for us! She

Will be remembered evermore,

For all of this, but even more:

She inspired my art. She’s old, but not a fart.

I end this poem thusly.

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The Real Monster Is The Underpaid Babysitter Who Reads This Poem To Your Kids Before Bed

Beds are safe and soft and warm

And in them you won’t come to harm.

But when you wake to pee at night

Then be harmed you may well might.

That’s why when you have to pee

Don’t get up for the W.C.

Your mattress was absorbantly designed

And I promise mom and dad won’t mind!

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What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Some kids will say “Astronaut”.

Some kids will say “Surgeon.”

Some kids will say “Engineer”

Which means they misspelled “Virgin.”

Some kids will say “A Hero

“Dressed in armor and a cowl.”

But props to the kid who said

“I’d be your girlfriend’s towel.”

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Ah, School…

Remember the days when you thought

Whether you’d be successful or not

Was dependent on if you were right

About whether it’s stalagmite or stalactite?

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Neverland Envy

It’s fun listening to kids complain:

“I don’t want to make my bed!

“I don’t want to eat dinner!

“No! I only like red!”

It’s fun to see them cry about

Their multitude of misery

Because I can imagine how great

It would feel if that were me!

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Playground

Some people bought the story

Of pursuing fame and glory,

Of health and wealth and growing,

Running forward, never slowing.

I see those people every day,

Each burned out in their own way,

Faces lined by years and hassle;

I laugh inside my cardboard castle.

They are knights in shining armor,

Not satisfied to be a farmer,

Dying for causes another chose;

My armor is purple pillows.

They fight over feelings they never said,

Fighting a thought they’ve trapped in their head

For fear if people knew what they thought

They’d be revealed as someone not doing so hot.

I know I’m a no-one, and no I don’t care

As I play in my sandbox in fresh autumn air.

Maybe you mock me, but maybe you doubt;

After all, what if fun is what life’s all about?

What if the crusaders, celebrities, kings

Understand medals are just metal things?

What if they know, but their leisure depends

On you staying tired and having no friends?

Do you want to know if enough is enough,

If the pain doesn’t pay for the meaningful stuff?

Care to discover if your dreams can come true?

My castle has enough space to fit two…

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Erudition and Emission

When children attempt to be smart

They turn first to reading and art.

Then they learn “flatulence“

Rhymes with nothing but “spatulence”

And thus they resume saying fart.

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Thanks New World Order!

This year they started teaching kids

As young as five-years-old

That gender is whatever you choose

And not just what you’re told.

To celebrate this progress

In sex-ed for the prepubescent

I thought of a list of titles

For children’s books in this age present:

“Everybody Fucks,” for one;

Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;

“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;

Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.

“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;

“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;

And a favorite of drag queen story hour:

“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”

Maybe you don’t feel comfortable

Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?

Don’t worry! For kids who are too young

We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!

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