Tag Archives: Children

Thanks New World Order!

This year they started teaching kids

As young as five-years-old

That gender is whatever you choose

And not just what you’re told.

To celebrate this progress

In sex-ed for the prepubescent

I thought of a list of titles

For children’s books in this age present:

“Everybody Fucks,” for one;

Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;

“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;

Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.

“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;

“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;

And a favorite of drag queen story hour:

“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”

Maybe you don’t feel comfortable

Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?

Don’t worry! For kids who are too young

We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!

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Brown, Sticky, and Fun

I remember a game

I played when I was childish

Where up I’d pick a fancy stick

And proceed to go quite wildish.

It would be, at the same time,

A lightsaber, a gun,

A steering wheel, banana peel,

A ticket: Admit One.

I could walk around the woods

With some tree’s lifeless limb

And make of a day of naught but play,

Walking and swinging him.

Now I’m big and childish

But have less inclination

To go outside and take a ride

On my imagination.

Today I pray to everything

That before I’m old and sick

I’ll meet just five folks more alive

Than my beloved stick.

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Schools Now vs. Schools After the Corporate Overlords Quit Hiding

Mom and Dad, guess what! Guess what

I learned today in school!

I learned it doesn’t matter

If you’re smart or fast or cool.

The only thing that matters

Is that you have self-esteem,

And that means that you like yourself

No matter how lame you seem.

Child, child, guess what! Guess what

You’ll learn when you get older?

You can love yourself to death

But still get a cold shoulder

Because what people care about

Is not how you project

But whether or not you’re somebody

Who’s worthy of respect.

Mom and Dad, how can I be

Someone who’s worth respecting

If I’m the sort of guy that I

Would always be rejecting?

Child, child, if you hate

The person that you are

You come to city motors

And you buy a better car!

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Yet Another Example Of Racism In The Public Schools

Timmy and Betty drew pictures

And Timmy got an A

But teacher said to Betty

“Your picture’s not ok.”

Both drew their self portraits

But one was not alright;

Timmy used a black marker

But Betty’s pen was white.

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Dear Oldest Child:

Sometimes when mommy’s frisky

And dad’s not watching porn

They send you on a playdate

And another kid is born.

This new kid is a baby,

Just a lump of hungry fat

That cries and poops and sleeps a lot

And not much more than that.

Luckily for the species

But not luckily for you

That baby will get bigger

And eventually turn two.

At this point, the parents

Who loved you when you were little

Will downgrade you, unknowingly,

To the meanest second fiddle.

They’ll love all over new kid

Because, sadly, the fact is

As the oldest child you are

The one on which they’ll practice.

You will need to get straight A’s…

New kid will soar on C’s.

You will beg for any love…

New kid will just say “please.”

Yes, this seems unfair to you

But someday you will see

That this kid turns invisible

When mom has baby 3.

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It All Makes Sense Now…

Doctors say lots of children

Have ADHD

And would sit all day long

Just to watch some TV

But instead they must go

To be receive state education

In a room full of bullies

And other frustration.

We do this to children

Because they must learn

About how they can focus

Until they adjourn

As good reborn children

Instead of mere scamps,

Thus why schools should be called

“Concentration camps.”

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Plus The One About Chocolate Slaves Murdering Lottery Winners For Their Zany CEO’s Amusement…

Children’s books today address

Bullying and gender

And how to make vegan, non-fat,

Pastrami in a blender.

Children’s books in my day

Were like “Bears go to the beach,”

And “Here’s a story ’bout some kid

“With an enormous peach.”

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All Keys Are Equal, But Some Are More Equal Than Others

I asked my mom, the keyboard,

Who her favorite child was.

She said, “I have no favorite

“And the reason is because

“I love all my kids the same.

“They’re all precious to me.”

And everyone believed her

Except the right “SHIFT” key.

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E I E Ya Know?

Why are classic songs just like,

“Songs just like,

“Songs just like?”

Why are classic songs just like

Repetitive and s**t?

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Morning People

The sky was cool and starry blue,

The Earth a pool of morning dew,

Abuzz with life of every shape,

From bug to bird to dog to ape.

One bit of life upon the Earth

Was a normal child of human birth

Who’d celebrate each dawning day

With the joyous sound of childish play.

He was no bird; He could not fly,

And yet he was intent to try.

He’d leap from couch to bed to floor

Until his muscles flew no more.

He was no bug; He could not crawl

Upon a roof or stalwart wall,

But in the calm before the dawn

He, undeterred, would skitter on.

He was no dog; He could not bark,

But made his home a sort of park

In which to howl in youthful glee

In the apartment above me.

He was no ape; He ought to know

His acts impact the room below.

I smell his breakfast on the breeze:

Bacon, toast, and antifreeze…

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