Tag Archives: College

Philosophy 101

Whatever you’ve heard, forget it!

Whatever you know, you don’t.

Everyone thinks they are brainy

But most of their brains grown’t.

Ignorance is epidemic.

No knowledge or sense can be common.

Now pay your tuition and fill out this form

And go back to your dorm and eat ramen.

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Thus, Sportsball and Gender Studies Scholarships

Super smart students

Have to pay tons of cash

To take college classes

That mostly are trash.

Super good athletes

Can study for free

And despite low grades get

The exact same degree.

The reason for this

Is confusing to some,

And I’m here to explain

Why it isn’t that dumb…

The purpose of college

I will hereby state:

“To see how much BS

“One can tolerate.”

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Fairy Yales

Once upon a time

There was a tiny little rock

Who was the world’s preeminent scholar

On the early works of Bach.

The little rock was erudite

Yet its career went South

On account of probably white people

And, also, its lack of mouth.


Once upon a time

A woman majored in STEM

And made millions teaching women

The ways that men were bad to them.

She could have been an engineer

And done science and stuff

But instead she told the patriarchs

She wasn’t paid enough.

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Capitalism In Action

People are saying college is expensive,

That $100,000 in debt isn’t fine.

I worked hard to get a scholarship

And only owe $99,999.99

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Super-Villains: The College Years

If I owned an evaporation ray

That could turn humans to ash

I think it would help motivate

My roommates to take out the trash.


I had to write an essay

About why I deserve financial aid.

I wrote about the 10,000 horsepower

Machine gun-slash-jetpack I made.

They said “Thanks for your application

“But, alas, this year we can’t…”

And at that point I spotted an unlikely hero

And proceeded to kidnap their aunt.


Well sure, I’m a villain I guess.

I act violently when under stress

And if I kill someone

And it’s not in good fun

I consider the day a success!


I was failing Econ 101

So I put on my lowest-cut blouse

Snuck into my professor’s office

And sat on the pad for his mouse.

He came in and I said, “Professor

“I’ll do anything to get an A.”

Little did I know my professor

Had an evaporation ray…

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I am a man who likes the curves

On my preferred Madames,

But better still is having curves

On my final exams.

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Why You Shouldn’t Be An English Major

Bucolic was the morning mist

On fields outside of Boise.

The adults sipped their hot caffein

And the children weren’t noisy.

Within one comely bungalow

A dalliance effloresced.

You probably don’t know what that means

And perhaps it’s for the best.

I bring up this erstwhile dalliance

Between man and ingénou

With intentional insouciance

To show I’m smarter than you.

The denouement of this poem,

Evanescent as it is,

Shows evidence of the inurement

I’ve derived from colleges.

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College Life (AKA the Sin Inn)

When you give a kid a scholarship

To live away from home

Where kids are doing naughty stuff

The “scholar” says “when in Rome!”

And thus begins the dorm life,

Debauchery, and boozing,

Where pipes are not for water

And beds are not for snoozing,

Where you can study english,

Philosophy, or anthropology

But still spend evenings studying

The opposite sex’s biology.

Mom and Daddy pay for this,

So you can unguiltily be bad

And get a job at Wendy’s

While not getting shot by Wendy’s Dad.

All this pleasure comes to you

For only a few hundred K of loans,

So send your applications now!

(That or just play on your phones).

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Finally, A Use For It!

Six months since I finished college,
Four years wasted I reckon
For I can’t remember what I “learned”
And waitstaff openings beckon.

So one afternoon in protest
I went to my front door
And laid down my diploma
Right upon the mudroom floor.

That autographed piece of card stock
Was not very useful at
Getting a foot in the door,
But it makes a good DiploMat.

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Twenty-Five Year Plan

You say I’m small and round and pink.
You’d probably say I’m cute,
But I’ll change your life ’til your naughty words
Are “darn” and “fudge” and “shoot.”

I scream and cry at random,
Especially on planes
And when I get an allowance
I’ll spend it all on trains.

When I grow up I’ll be the first
Unless I become a firefighter,
President, and magician.

Then when I get to college
(If that’s the path I take)
I’ll send you Facebook pictures
Of me with girls and a snake.

I’ll graduate with a B.A
In a field like liberal studies
‘Cause you funded five long years
For me and my frat buddies.

And then I’ll work for forty years
And die a tired man.
That’s why I want to skip college
And go live in my van.

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