“If I were a pickled spleen
Kept in a jar for 30 years
Charged with electrical current
In a chamber full of your darkest fears,
Then released from the jar on a Sunday
And carried overseas by some birds
To attend celebrations in Istanbul
Would you still kiss me afterwards?”
Don’t want to marry just some girl.
I’m looking for a wholesome girl.
A girl whose lack of cleavage
Warms my big platonic heart.
A girl who thinks that working’s
Not synonymous with twerking.
A girl who skips the bar
Because she wants to look at art.
I want to find a happy lass
Who doesn’t want to shake her ass,
Who goes to church on Sundays
And buys ice cream from a truck,
Who’s pure and chaste and sweet
And, instead of “lit,” says “neat.”
But I also want Beyonce,
So I’m feeling kinda stuck…
Some men are boob guys.
Some like hair and eyes.
Some seek butts from all across the globe.
Some go nuts for feet,
But what I think’s neat
Is a lady with some really nice earlobes.
I’d be wary of a felon
But she needn’t be a saint.
She eats food almost every day
And will very seldom faint.
She has two eyes, two nostrils too,
And her scalp is topped with hair.
Her days are always better
When she has access to breathable air.
I may sound picky when I say this
But she should have a mouth that can open.
Is there such a perfect girl?
Well, ’til we know, here’s hopin’.
I’ve heard something about women
That makes me incredulous,
That when women live together
They synchronize their monthly schedule. Is
This true, I wonder?
And if it’s truly so
If you need to adjust your “schedule”
Is their a place you can go
Where various dominant women
With different monthly climes
Charge money to reassign “events”
To more convenient times?
You say these clubs do not exist?
Should someone start one then?
If we don’t ask, we’ll never know.
‘Twas a full moon
And the night-things were howling.
I was iff on my own
‘Cause my girlfriend was scowling.
She’s usually laid back,
Accepting, and kind
But once every month
She goes out if her mind.
She nags and she whimpers.
She speaks only commands.
Her heart freezes over
And she speaks with her hands.
I’ve put the time on my calendar;
I am no fool.
When the werewife awakens
It’s time to leave and play pool.
If you aim to please a woman:
If you aim to please a woman
In the daytime or the night
You must have the understanding
That you will do nothing right.
Women come in all varieties,
Not unlike an apple.
They’re made of the best stuff on Earth
Just like a can of Snapple.
But like a can of Snapple
With the label torn away,
You don’t know what you’ll be getting.
Don’t worry, that’s okay.
If you aim to please a man:
Take off your clothes.
Get out of those
Garments that were “Get in its.”
Then lay on back,
Hope that it’s black,
And enjoy the next three minutes.