My girl is sexier than yours.
She could knock hinges off doors.
She has pretty knees and toes
And looks good with and without clothes.
She has pretty auburn hair
And says fancy stuff like “Au contraire”.
She’s the girl I’m going to marry…
Who cares if she’s imaginary?
Filed under Poems
All the women who play video games
And complain about bikini armor
Never seem to complain about how
Swords and arrows never harm her,
But men are stuck with heavy armor
Instead of a chainmail thong
Because if men could wear female armor
They’d be unbelievably strong.
Filed under Poems
Mohammed had a magic carpet
That very ably flew;
It could go zero to sixty
In precisely 8.2
But Aladdin had a carpet
With a sunroof and AC
So the choice of who to date
Was obvious to me!
Filed under Poems
Horsey horsey, riding in circles,
Pooping and snorting and chewing on grass.
Horsey horsey, tired of people
Comparing each other to your lovely ass.
Horsey horsey, with shoes made of metal,
Hair on your neck, your face, and your butt.
For some reason women all seem to love you
You’ve something I don’t, but I can’t think of what…
Filed under Poems
It rises like a mountain,
Slopes gently like a hill,
Softer than a lullaby
And gives me such a thrill;
A spectacle, a marvel,
And my mouth will never shut
As I gaze with loving splendor
On my girl’s majestic butt.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes I look in the mirror
And see myself staring at me,
And when I clean the glass it gets clearer
And I know it’s my face that I see
And I look at myself and think “Wow!
“That’s expected, and not very shocking!”
And that, my dear lady, is what I perceive
And thus space out when you start talking.
Filed under Poems
Sophie was an average girl
With fairly average likes;
Fond of wine and dogs and soap
And mental health and hikes.
One day she was kidnapped
By a disembodied voice
Who told her she would surely die
Unless she made the choice:
Would she rather kiss someone
Who smelled liked a catcher’s mitt
That had been soaked in sour milk
And armadillo spit
While treading water in a pool
Of acid, hot as Hades
And listening to Kenny G
Play highlights of the eighties
While the Devil lit a match
And burned off all her hair…
Or, when asked where she’d like to eat
To not say “I don’t care.”
Filed under Poems
If they rebooted “Fight Club“
With an all-female cast
It would feature Taylor Durden
Remembering her past
When she and thousands of women
From different means and ends
Got together in a basement
And pretended to be friends
Until at last they’d had enough
And used some dynamite
To blow up buildings, and then were like
“Becky’s so cringe, right?”
Filed under Poems
When you drive to pick her up
And leave at 4:15
She says she’ll be ready in 10 minutes
But we the wise have seen
That when a woman tells you
When she’ll be ready is the same
As the way the measure how long’s left
At the end of a football game.
Filed under Poems
This year I’ve devoted a considerable portion of time to two activities: Dating, and IT support. While normally doing both of these at the same time decreases the enjoyment in both activities, I’ve realized the two have a lot more in common than one might think. For example:
1. Bars are not good places to look for women or computers.
2. Most things you can’t recover from occur because of memory failures.
3. While tempting, upgrading to newer models is expensive and prone to supply shortages.
4. You will be appreciated for your people skills, not your technical expertise.
5. If you need to look up answers in a book, do it when you’re alone.
6. If something is smoking and/or leaking fluid, RUN!
7. You can know how things work, but you’ll rarely know why.
8. You sound smart if you notice incremental changes in appearance.
9. Nobody wants to hear graphic details (or details about graphics).
10. Most of the time you screw up, the error message comes too late to fix anything.
And the ultimate key:
11. When in doubt, make sure it’s turned on.
Also, the more energy you put in, the hotter everything gets.
Filed under To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 