Tag Archives: Women

Why The Unicorns Left

She grew up in the forest

And learned to talk to trees

By singing with the birds of prey

And dancing with the bees.

She trained to be a hunter

From the day that she was born.

She dreamt she’d be the first to find

The mythic unicorn.

She found black stallions, powerful,

And pegasus in white,

Beasts that pulled the wagon far

And those who bore a knight.

She found horses of the sea

And horses tame and wild,

And yesterday her dream came true

And found it bright and mild:

The unicorn! Resplendent

In shades of gold and blue,

With a horn that shone like rainbows

And eyes of emerald hue.

She gazed upon the creature

And stroked its noble head

Then noticed it was unemployed

And rode a mule instead.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

They’re Like Puppies, But With Testosterone

What if men who’re two feet tall

Are the physical ideal,

The epitome of manliness

With endless lust and zeal?

All the women saying

They prefer a taller guy

Have never seen a two-foot man…

True candy for the eye!

And although such small men are rare,

Precious and petite,

A man who’s 2-foot-6 or so

Is also really neat.

In fact, any guy beneath three feet

Is a slice of masculine heaven

Unless, of course, the manlet stands

Exactly 1’11”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

What A Catch!

She doesn’t play mind games.

She doesn’t hate pets.

These days that’s quite close to as good as it gets.

She isn’t ugly.

She isn’t mean.

She’s the not-baddest person that I’ve ever seen.

She has other friends.

She gets off the couch.

Her spirit animal is not Oscar the Grouch.

She’s not into drama.

She’s not a KGB spy.

My only concern is that “she” is a guy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

She Wants You Inside Her

The phrase “I want your baby”

Is sometimes super hot.

Mostly it depends if she’s

A cannibal or not.

3 Comments

Filed under Poems

Smart Guys = Not Hot

I said “Hi.”

She said “Hello.”

I said “Don’t use big words like that.”

Now I am her beau.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Ignore The Name… I Just Needed A Rhyme

“A picture’s worth a thousand words”

Said Arthur Norman Kuntz.

“Thus, women speak in imagery

“And speak mostly grunts.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Where Have All The Good Pets Gone?

I want a furry turtle

That will snuggle me in bed

With a leopard-patterned belly

And a capybara’s head,

Thats softer than a kitten

And convenient as a fish

That’s 6-feet plus and makes $100k…

Is that too much to wish?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Superhero Anthem?

A figure flies along the streets

Of a city, black and grey,

Equipped with special armaments

With which to hunt her prey.

Her foes are public enemies

Called apathy and fear.

She strikes them down with not a frown

But a flash of wit and cheer.

Her only superpower

Is a total lack of worry

With which she slays uncertainty

In one most epic flurry!

Who is this maid of mystery

And what can she not do?

We cannot know for certain

But I hope she might be you!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Dating In The Country Be Like…

I hear her dad has fewer teeth

Than guns hung on his walls…

I heard her seven brothers

Got among ’em 19 balls…

I’ve heard her mom got famous

As a former L.A. Ram…

But I heard she ain’t got no beard

So I don’t give a damn!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Both are Mostly Empty…

“Airhead’s an offensive term,”

Said my girlfriend of 30 days.

I said, “Sorry, didn’t know.”

Now I call her “Bag of Lays.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems