I was feeling unfulfilled
As I browsed the worldwide web.
My loneliness was at its peak,
My energy at ebb.
Then I saw an advertisement
That said “Hot Singles Near You.”
I turned on my ad blocker
And was lonely again. Phew!
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Tag Archives: Women
What Do You Want For Dinner?
If there were a food
Whose taste was so divine
To eat it made you orgasm
In an instant forty times,
That not only set your loins alight
But set your heart afire,
A food so good it’s better than
Hearing Taylor Swift retire,
And that this oh-so-perfect food
Can be grown nearly for free,
Can be cooked in 19 seconds
And cures world hunger instantly,
Is the most positive thing in the universe,
Like -1 times the all-time worst
Your girlfriend would whine about it
If you suggested to eat it first.
Filed under Poems
Old Habits Never Die
She killed a man in April.
By May she was convicted.
The day of her execution came;
Her heart, it was conflicted.
The guard came to her cell
And asked what her last meal would be.
She said “I don’t know. What do you want?”
#ReasonsForTheDeathPenalty
Filed under Poems
58008 is the new 90210
More men than women study math,
Professionally at least.
This is true from North to South
And also West to East.
It’s not because women are dumb
Or men like math by fate…
It’s that all boys love what happens
When you invert 7,251×8.
Filed under Poems
Never Fear: I’m Committed To Discovering The Answer Through Careful Hands-On Research
I don’t know if it’s tiny skirts,
Amble chests, or giant eyes
Wherein the popular appeal
Of the anime female lies.
What part of perfect, flowing hair
And cheerful attitudes
Holds such mysterious appeal
To socially awkward dudes?
Filed under Poems
…They’re Batman…
I read an article today
That said a woman’s voice
Will rise in pitch if she likes you…
It’s subconscious, not a choice.
I called my female contacts
To test the theory via phones.
I enjoyed a pleasant afternoon
With the voice of James Earl Jones.
Filed under Poems
Literal Dream Girl
She’s happier than Finland
And classier than France.
She wears a pair of ballet flats
But doesn’t like to dance.
She’s prettier than actresses
But doesn’t care for fame
And her love for me lasts longer
Than a perfect Tetris game.
She cooks better than Emeril
And sings better than Cher.
She thinks the latest Star Trek film
Was “adequate to fair.”
She’s quieter than silence
And daintier than mist.
The only problem I can see
Is she does not exist.
Filed under Poems
