Tag Archives: Women

Never Thought I’d Miss “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?” But Alas…

“If I were a pickled spleen

Kept in a jar for 30 years

Charged with electrical current

In a chamber full of your darkest fears,

Then released from the jar on a Sunday

And carried overseas by some birds

To attend celebrations in Istanbul

Would you still kiss me afterwards?”


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Advice Is Appreciated

Don’t want to marry just some girl.

I’m looking for a wholesome girl.

A girl whose lack of cleavage

Warms my big platonic heart.

A girl who thinks that working’s

Not synonymous with twerking.

A girl who skips the bar

Because she wants to look at art.

I want to find a happy lass

Who doesn’t want to shake her ass,

Who goes to church on Sundays

And buys ice cream from a truck,

Who’s pure and chaste and sweet

And, instead of “lit,” says “neat.”

But I also want Beyonce,

So I’m feeling kinda stuck…

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Match.com Self-Summary

Some men are boob guys.

Some like hair and eyes.

Some seek butts from all across the globe.

Some go nuts for feet,

But what I think’s neat

Is a lady with some really nice earlobes.

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What I Look For In A Lady

I’d be wary of a felon

But she needn’t be a saint.

She eats food almost every day

And will very seldom faint.

She has two eyes, two nostrils too,

And her scalp is topped with hair.

Her days are always better

When she has access to breathable air.

I may sound picky when I say this

But she should have a mouth that can open.

Is there such a perfect girl?

Well, ’til we know, here’s hopin’.

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…But Were Afraid To Ask

I’ve heard something about women

That makes me incredulous,

That when women live together

They synchronize their monthly schedule. Is

This true, I wonder?

And if it’s truly so

If you need to adjust your “schedule”

Is their a place you can go

Where various dominant women

With different monthly climes

Charge money to reassign  “events”

To more convenient times?

You say these clubs do not exist?

Should someone start one then?

If we don’t ask, we’ll never know.

Yours sincerely,


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The Werewife

‘Twas a full moon

And the night-things were howling.

I was iff on my own

‘Cause my girlfriend was scowling.

She’s usually laid back, 

Accepting, and kind

But once every month

She goes out if her mind.

She nags and she whimpers.

She speaks only commands.

Her heart freezes over

And she speaks with her hands.

I’ve put the time on my calendar;

I am no fool.

When the werewife awakens

It’s time to leave and play pool.

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We Aim To Please

If you aim to please a woman:

If you aim to please a woman

In the daytime or the night

You must have the understanding

That you will do nothing right.

Women come in all varieties,

Not unlike an apple.

They’re made of the best stuff on Earth

Just like a can of Snapple.

But like a can of Snapple

With the label torn away,

You don’t know what you’ll be getting.

Don’t worry, that’s okay.

If you aim to please a man:

Take off your clothes.

Get out of those

Garments that were “Get in its.”

Then lay on back,

Hope that it’s black,

And enjoy the next three minutes.

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