My car may have it’s share of dings,
I may not buy you fancy things,
I might forget your name a lot,
I might comment “Your mom is hot,”
I might not read your favorite book,
I’ll seldom clean and never cook,
But if you become my wife
You can wear sweat pants for the rest of your life!
Fellow men, we gaze upon
A rather dismal breaking dawn,
The starting of a pinkish hour
Where sticks and stones have lost their power,
Where words can harm and looks can kill
And love is just “Netflix and Chill.”
Her lips that once you moved to kiss
Now move to bear you false witness.
That bed you’ve long longed to be in
Belongs to the procrustean.
The Goddess idol whom you praised
Commands her temple to be razed.
The deed is done, the seed is sown:
Take comfort in the silicone!
I like girls who are polite
And women who are modest.
I like girls with joie de vivre
Although they’re not the hottest.
I like girls who demonstrate
A sense of generosity
Yet girls I meet prefer to flaunt
To find a man’s value
Divide his income by 10,000
Then subtract two to compensate.
To find a woman’s value
Call her a ten
(If she has a penis, call her an eight).
Her eyes were blue as Crater Lake,
Her breasts were like Mount Hood.
Her hair fell like Multnomah Falls
And all these things were good.
I held her hand and felt as big
And strong as Haystack Rock
Until my wife came home that night
And smacked me with her cock.
I’m young and very beautiful
As you can clearly see,
And so I guess you’re losing sleep
So oft you think of me?
It’s true that you are beautiful,
It’s true that you are young,
But I think of you as often
As the flavor of my tongue.
She said “You’re too accommodating
“And also get defensive a lot.”
I said “That’s fine, we’ll work it out
“And also, no I’m not.”