Tag Archives: Women

A Near Miss

I was feeling unfulfilled

As I browsed the worldwide web.

My loneliness was at its peak,

My energy at ebb.

Then I saw an advertisement

That said “Hot Singles Near You.”

I turned on my ad blocker

And was lonely again. Phew!

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What Do You Want For Dinner?

If there were a food

Whose taste was so divine

To eat it made you orgasm

In an instant forty times,

That not only set your loins alight

But set your heart afire,

A food so good it’s better than

Hearing Taylor Swift retire,

And that this oh-so-perfect food

Can be grown nearly for free,

Can be cooked in 19 seconds

And cures world hunger instantly,

Is the most positive thing in the universe,

Like -1 times the all-time worst

Your girlfriend would whine about it

If you suggested to eat it first.

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Old Habits Never Die

She killed a man in April.

By May she was convicted.

The day of her execution came;

Her heart, it was conflicted.

The guard came to her cell

And asked what her last meal would be.

She said “I don’t know. What do you want?”

#ReasonsForTheDeathPenalty

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58008 is the new 90210

More men than women study math,

Professionally at least.

This is true from North to South

And also West to East.

It’s not because women are dumb

Or men like math by fate…

It’s that all boys love what happens

When you invert 7,251×8.

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Never Fear: I’m Committed To Discovering The Answer Through Careful Hands-On Research

I don’t know if it’s tiny skirts,

Amble chests, or giant eyes

Wherein the popular appeal

Of the anime female lies.

What part of perfect, flowing hair

And cheerful attitudes

Holds such mysterious appeal

To socially awkward dudes?

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…They’re Batman…

I read an article today

That said a woman’s voice

Will rise in pitch if she likes you…

It’s subconscious, not a choice.

I called my female contacts

To test the theory via phones.

I enjoyed a pleasant afternoon

With the voice of James Earl Jones.

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Literal Dream Girl

She’s happier than Finland

And classier than France.

She wears a pair of ballet flats

But doesn’t like to dance.

She’s prettier than actresses

But doesn’t care for fame

And her love for me lasts longer

Than a perfect Tetris game.

She cooks better than Emeril

And sings better than Cher.

She thinks the latest Star Trek film

Was “adequate to fair.”

She’s quieter than silence

And daintier than mist.

The only problem I can see

Is she does not exist.

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