Tag Archives: Lyrics

May 3, 2016 · 7:23 pm

Double-O Me

Chanel number five

When she comes home at night…

Something about it

Just doesn’t feel right.

She won’t catch my eye.

There’s a lie I can see.

This sounds like a job

For Double-O Me!

I’m spying on Wilson.

I hope it’s not John.

I’ve got to find out

Just what’s been going on.

My heart will stay broken

‘Til I find out the truth.

Time for Double-O Me,

The ultimate sleuth!

She doesn’t like Travis

And Alfred is a bore.

Ted’s not into women

And Pete is off at war.

Her other male friends

I cannot recollect 

So maybe the answer’s

Not what I expect?

I’m done spying on Wilson.

I know it isn’t John,

And still I have to wonder

Just what is going on.

My heart will stay broken

‘Til I find out the truth.

Yet more time for Double-O Me,

Still the ultimate sleuth.

I’ve gotten sick of lurking

And staking out my friends.

Now I’m hoping that the means

Will justify the ends.

I asked her “why the perfume?”

She said “It blocks the smell.

“I like pet-sitting Scruffy

“But he stinks like bloody hell!”

For sure it isn’t Wilson.

John was innocent too.

Turns out that my suspicions

Were anything but true.

My heart’s no longer broken,

But I’ve one more thing to do.

Next up for Double-O Me:

To give that dog a talking to.

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February 24, 2016 · 11:51 am

Assault and Batteries

You said you knew

How to jump a car.

It sure wasn’t true…

You left a scar.

Red to black wire…

You expect to live?

I’ll have revenge you liar!

All I’ve got to give.
I’m Lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault!

There’s no time for flattery;

You assaulted my battery.
There’s a surprise

Right under your hood.

When your starter dies

It won’t sound good.

I saw your face.

It looked really dour.

I put you in your place

‘Cause I’ve got the power.
You’re lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault.

There’s no need for flattery.

I assaulted your battery.
(Instrumental bridge with sirens)
We’re face down on asphalt

Cursing at their stars.

It’s both of our faults…

No cops like flattery.

We both got charged

For assaulting the batteries.

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January 8, 2016 · 2:42 pm

My Bathroom Enemy

(This one’s for anyone who’s lives in a five bedroom, one bath house).

It’s seven fifty-five

And I work at eight.

He’s the only reason

That I’m always late.

He used up the hot water

But he doesn’t care.

He gets back in the shower.

He forgot to wash his hair.

My bathroom nemesis

Taking his daily bowel exodus!

He thinks that it’s his destiny

To be the only one to pee!

My bathroom enemy.

One I day got the flu.

I was puking for days,

I couldn’t use the bathroom

‘Cause of what’s-his-face.

At midnight I snuck in

To go number two.

We’re out of toilet paper.

Oh yeah! Guess who?

My bathroom adversary

Taking longer than necessary.

He thinks that it’s his destiny

To be the only one to pee.

My bathroom enemy!

I haven’t bathed in eighteen days.

I just can’t get around this guy.

I’ve has enough. I’ll show him

A brand new bathroom in the sky!

And when he’s dead

We’ll think we’re saved,

But the corpse will miss the burial

‘Cause he still hasn’t shaved!

My bathroom supervillain,

On the procelain throne, just chillin’.

Turns out it’s not his destiny

To be the only one to pee.

The other roommates worship me

‘Cause I killed my bathroom enemy!

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July 20, 2014 · 10:18 am

My Airport Song

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault,
But simply my fate.

I woke up at five in the morning,
A two hour drive to begin
To reach the airport at nine A.M
For a work flight at noon to Berlin.

I’d accounted for all the surprises
And left time for those that I missed.
Or so I thought ’til my Maggy arrived,
Her temperament thoroughly pissed.

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault.
It was mostly my mate.

Turns out my Maggy discovered
Her darlingness wasn’t exclusive,
Though I thought I’d kept my affairs
In Germany fairly elusive.

I managed to exit by quarter to six
With a bit of my Chevy un-smashed.
At quarter past six came the sirens,
Wondering where I had been when I crashed.

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault.
It was Officer Kate.

The cops pointed out my transmission,
Amazed at how far I had drug ‘er.
I’ve never known cables so durable
Or Maggy’s skill with a Louisville Slugger.

My taxi arrived at eleven,
My hope not entirely shattered.
The cops sold my car at an auction
To benefit the domestically battered.

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault,
But I made $398.

I arrived at the gate at noon-thirty
And saw my Boeing depart.
It flew off with my job and my meeting,
But it also flew off with my heart.

So I called up my sweetheart abroad
And cancelled what our evening implied.
Then I called my Maggy, two blessed hours away
And said, “Can you give me a ride?”

I stayed at the gate
Until it was late.
Thanks for listening honey.
Would you care for a date?

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July 1, 2014 · 10:03 am

Keep the Baby Blues

Well the supreme court
Made an unpopular decision,
At least for those whose disposition
Is decidedly pro-choice.
But Baby, I’m here
To let you know no need to bother,
‘Cause your probably not the father
Of my up-and-coming boys.

But if you can’t sleep
‘Cause of that night you slept around,
Well good news, you dirty hound!
I’ve a solution to use.
No need to find
Some shady dark alley clinics
Run by Obama-care critics.
Just sing the “keep the baby” blues.

You might just find that fatherhood
Is just what you should.
Might be surprisingly good.
Yea, you might just find that having boys
Is not all about the noise
And spending money on toys.

Look on the bright side:
You have to pay for birth control
Which feels good deep in your soul,
Or so the justices said.
And better yet
If feds won’t pay to kill a baby
Then it might just be that maybe
Fewer babies be dead.

You might just find being a mum
Is very joyous to some,
Even if Daddy’s a bum.
You might just find the will to love
Though maybe that epiphany don’t come from heaven above.

Liberal friends, they did defeat us,
But their intent wasn’t simply to beat us,
They was only try’n to save another fetus,
Who just might be a future baby Cletus.

And so I end
With this proposal to ponder:
Would our hopes go way out yonder
If you did abstinence choose?
And I’ll admit
If that’s a price too high to pay
Then live your life the same way
And sing the “keep the baby” blues.

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