Tag Archives: Comedy

Night Shift (Every Walmart Ever)

Sleepwalking,

Night stalking…

Insomnia is killing me.

Dead of night,

I feel no fright.

Just a few more hours ’til I’m free.

With empty hearts

And bulging carts

They leave my shelves so very bare.

Their hands are deep

In all that’s cheap.

At these poor beasts I stare.

All these hours

Living in a haze

Just a few more days

On the night shift.

I waste my life

Repeating strife,

Putting boxes back on the shelves.

My peers and I

Just want to cry,

Go home and be all by ourselves.

I ain’t got paid,

But I’ve quit and stayed.

Oh! How that paycheck calls…

I say I’ll walk,

But it’s all talk.

I haven’t got the balls.

All these hours

Hoping its a phase.

Counting down the days

On the night shift.

Then in an instant

I hear the TV:

“Todays winning numbers are

“7, 6, 5, 4, 3.”

Thirty-eight million dollars

Are mine! All mine! Then…

My boss yells “you’re fired

“If you doze off again.”

All these hours

And finally an excuse…

No need for such abuse…

Time to take another snooze…

On the night shift.

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Filed under Poems, Lyrics

Apparently Pearls And Swine Are Equal

A feminist told me

“All men are pigs!”

And I almost took some offense.

Then another told me

“Men and women are equal.”

Now the first woman’s making more sense.

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I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary

Some sayings sound satisfying

But don’t apply to real life,

Like “what comes up must come down”

Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…

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I Stole These Jokes And Made Them Rhyme… You’re Welcome

A Mexican magician

Was the epitome of grace.

He would count “uno, dos,”

Then disappear without a tres.

He did this trick in Europe.

When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”

Then he asked “can you see me now?”

And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.” 

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Dating A 30-Year-Old

You ask will I love you

When you’re not a young lass,

When your hair’s gray and saggy

And so is your ass,

When the passion is gone

And the money is thin

And everything hurts

‘Neath our wrinkly skin.

Our hands come together

And I look straight at you.

“Of course I will darling!

“I already do.”

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Dear Internet: Why The Exception?

You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,

Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.

You can’t make jokes about a race

(At least not to somebody’s face).

You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock

The way one laughs or thinks or talks.

But you can defame or spew hate at

Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.

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“I” Pronounced “E,” In This Case Before “Le”

I looked for better deals

For my monthly cell phone plan.

Some offers good, others not,

There was a terrific span.

But the ad from Virgin Mobile

Was the one that caught my eye.

It was a picture of my car;

“Read our name again and cry.”

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Filed under Poems