Tag Archives: Comedy

Dear Internet: Why The Exception?

You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,

Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.

You can’t make jokes about a race

(At least not to somebody’s face).

You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock

The way one laughs or thinks or talks.

But you can defame or spew hate at

Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.

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“I” Pronounced “E,” In This Case Before “Le”

I looked for better deals

For my monthly cell phone plan.

Some offers good, others not,

There was a terrific span.

But the ad from Virgin Mobile

Was the one that caught my eye.

It was a picture of my car;

“Read our name again and cry.”

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Lots Of Variety, At Least

I’ve got a great idea

For an online dating site

Wherein critical care patients

Can be Mister or Miss Right.

Those not long for this world

From Tennessee to Guam

Can find a short-term love

At ExpirationDate.com

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Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor

A religious type of joke

Is often what offends

An amazing group of people’s

Imaginary friends.

I will mock all religions

In this poem I now write

Except, or course, for Islam

‘Cause I’m flammable and white.

I saw a gay pride event

As I was walking to my car.

They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church

So the priests needn’t walk too far.

I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke

And so I took a stab. I

Think they might have laughed had I

Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.

I met a “spiritual but not religious”

Person just the other day.

I asked them “is my latte ready?”

They said “yes, now go away.”

I’m not sure about Agnostics.

If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.

The Buddhists suffer eternally

Whether or not they read this poem.

I want to end with one last joke

To make you giggle or scoff:

Don’t get circumcised on a budget

‘Cause it might be a rip off. 

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Suffice To Say The Narrator Is Not A Philanthropist, AKA Can I Get This On A T-Shirt Please?

Like a church without a steeple,

A Costco that’s not full of people,

A girl who doesn’t like a bunny

Or a kid who thinks fart jokes aren’t funny,

Like a bracelet without a clasp,

A crossword puzzle without the word “asp,”

Like warm fresh bread without the yeast

Or cannibals who never feast,

Like raindrops falling with the snow

Or a hallmark card by Edgar Alan Poe,

Like a duck that only sinks

Or someone driving behind you that thinks,

Like a straight man enjoying “Magic Mike,”

Someone else’s chihuahua that people like,

A University that welcomes drop-ins,

Or “Liam Neeson stars as Mary Poppins.”

These are things that don’t exist,

That can’t be seen and won’t be missed.

They are like what you’ll become

If you ask me for money, Mr. Bum.

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Snow Days

Today I tried to do nothing.

I stayed in bed all day.

I didn’t eat or drink or poop

Or breathe or sweat or pray.

I avoided salivating 

And I didn’t leave my room.

I didn’t shower so my odor

Now surrounds me in a plume.

I didn’t read or watch TV.

I didn’t surf the net.

I did not look out the window

And I didn’t feed my pet.

I neglected all life’s naggings

And engaged in nary a vice

And if tomorrow’s snowy also,

Well, I just might do it twice!

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Mensa Parties

My friends flanked me

And asked

In a way which I’ll say

Was stereophonic

“What’s a funny example

Of a time

When crap happened

That was ironic?”

I thought for a bit

When suddenly

An epiphany whiffed at me

Through the mounting tension.

I said “well one time

“People used words

“Expressing something contrary

To their literal intention.”

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