Tag Archives: Comedy

Plot Armor, Reality Edition (50% Off)

Wheresoever you should find

Yourself in trouble or a bind

Know that you will never fail

As the protagonist of your own tale.

The path of bullets shall amend

To prevent your untimely end.

Villains shall, when all is done,

See your point when you have won.

Love will find you in the dark.

Respect replaces scorn and snark.

And if instead you fail and fall…

No one minds, ’cause you weren’t the main character after all.

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Your Chance To Lose Money Is Finally Here! (Hi Clive)

You could put your money on the Cleveland Browns

For Super Bowl Any-time-in-the-future,

But that wouldn’t help anyone,

Let alone this poetic moocher.

Instead I’ve got a different way

To part ways with your cash

Which is by going to my Patreon

And putting it in my stash.

To those of you whose common sense

Says “but money is important”

And the thought of spending it seems, to you,

A little bit abhorrent

I’d point out that your cash will go

To helping me survive.

Nothing’s really better than supporting the arts

Except, perhaps, being named “Clive.”

But since my name is David

And your name’s probably not Clive either

Hop on over to Patreon

Like you’re an eager beaver.

If you don’t pay, the poems won’t stop;

You’ll still get these Travesties daily.

The only difference is, to get my food,

I won’t have to resort to a gladiatorial melee.

(Which is good because I’m skinny and bruise easily).

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Inner City Nursery Rhymes

“Red umbrella on a bench

Next to homeless guy with stench.

Kinda wrinkly, slightly damp

Are both umbrella and the tramp.

They’ve been friends since ’98

When he bought it, as if by fate.

Together they’ve been through a lot.

They’ve weathered storms, bickered, and fought.

The hobo and umbrella pair

Possess a sense of laissez-faire.

It seems for them that things look up

As they count coins in their half-full cup.

Then they lynch a passerby;

Umbrella stabs him in the eye.”

This is why you should always look

Before you buy a children’s book!

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Night Shift (Every Walmart Ever)

Sleepwalking,

Night stalking…

Insomnia is killing me.

Dead of night,

I feel no fright.

Just a few more hours ’til I’m free.

With empty hearts

And bulging carts

They leave my shelves so very bare.

Their hands are deep

In all that’s cheap.

At these poor beasts I stare.

All these hours

Living in a haze

Just a few more days

On the night shift.

I waste my life

Repeating strife,

Putting boxes back on the shelves.

My peers and I

Just want to cry,

Go home and be all by ourselves.

I ain’t got paid,

But I’ve quit and stayed.

Oh! How that paycheck calls…

I say I’ll walk,

But it’s all talk.

I haven’t got the balls.

All these hours

Hoping its a phase.

Counting down the days

On the night shift.

Then in an instant

I hear the TV:

“Todays winning numbers are

“7, 6, 5, 4, 3.”

Thirty-eight million dollars

Are mine! All mine! Then…

My boss yells “you’re fired

“If you doze off again.”

All these hours

And finally an excuse…

No need for such abuse…

Time to take another snooze…

On the night shift.

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Filed under Lyrics, Poems

Apparently Pearls And Swine Are Equal

A feminist told me

“All men are pigs!”

And I almost took some offense.

Then another told me

“Men and women are equal.”

Now the first woman’s making more sense.

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I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary

Some sayings sound satisfying

But don’t apply to real life,

Like “what comes up must come down”

Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…

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I Stole These Jokes And Made Them Rhyme… You’re Welcome

A Mexican magician

Was the epitome of grace.

He would count “uno, dos,”

Then disappear without a tres.

He did this trick in Europe.

When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”

Then he asked “can you see me now?”

And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.” 

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