Tag Archives: Lyrics

August 3, 2018 · 4:14 pm

You Didn’t Eat Your Broccoli, Thus…

Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.

Yeah, that’s a thing that Satan wants to do.

His mouth’s already watering

At the prospect of slaughtering

That tasty human spirit that is you!

Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.

I heard him to his Mrs. Satan say

“Hey, why don’t you and me go

“Have some eggs and Human Ego

“As a nutritious snack to start the day!”

Satan has a hunch

That it’s too soon for lunch

And, by that logic, also too soon for dinner.

But they don’t sleep-in in Hell

And to start his day off well

You are the perfect portion size of sinner!

(Everybody)!

Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.

He wants to fill his belly with your Id.

I hope you’ve read your Dante

‘Cause you’re what Satan wants. Hey!

That’s what you get for being a naughty kid!

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May 4, 2018 · 7:25 am

The Placelandian National Anthem

Placelandia! We celebrate

The nation that is not a state,

The place where politicians come to die!

Where residents have common sense

And our plan for national defense

Is not to be a dick to folks nearby.

Placelandia! We celebrate

Our lack (so far) of Watergate

Or other nasty scandals of that kind.

Where citizens think differently

And something backs our currency;

A country built with happiness in mind.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

A nation that can safely be ignored.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

Where drama-seeking tourists will be bored.

Placelandia! We celebrate

That here nice guys can get a date

And nobody is told they must comply.

Where everybody owns a Glock

And Fox exec Rupert Murdoch

Would not have had to cancel Firefly.

Placelandia! We celebrate

A place mostly devoid of hate,

Where legs just shave themselves if given time.

We hope you have enjoyed this song

And pop stars didn’t sing too long

Before the very easy ending rhyme.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

It’s a pretty snazzy kinda joint.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

Okay, okay, okay! We get the point!

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May 5, 2017 · 8:24 pm

Unforgettable Love

Tick tock!

I see her walk

Down main street USA.

The passing time…

Her smile’s bright shine…

I hardly notice the gloomy day.

Tick tock!

I see her stop

And watch her turn my way.

Time feels so slow.

I’ve no place to go.

So glad I’ve got all day!

Hours, minutes,

Days and weeks;

The world is timeless

When she speaks.

Her endless sunset 

Lights my life.

What on Earth

Will I tell my wife?

Tick tock!

I see her socks.

They look a lot like mine.

Her lovely face…

Her classic grace…

The way she says “I’m fine…”

Tick tock!

Again she talks.

She calls my secret name.

It dawns on me

And soon I see…

Oh my God, how lame!

Hours, minutes,

Days and weeks;

The world is timeless

When she speaks.

Her endless sunset 

Lights my life.

Just realized…

She is my wife!

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June 21, 2016 · 1:10 pm

On My Own Terms (The Cat Song)

You take me into your home.

You keep me inside and play with my hair.

You call me a pretty boy

Then you punish me. Baby, give me some air!

You say “call me master.”

I am your slave now.

But I’ll live on my own terms

And soon to me you’ll bow.

You thought you’d relax in the bathroom,

Have clean furniture and a new-house smell.

You forgot me in that equation.

Now I welcome you to nine lives in Hell.

You said “call me master.”

I just said “meow.”

But I’ll live on my own terms

So who’s the master now?

Now you call me master.

You’re little more than my serf.

Now you’ll live by my terms

Or get your ass off my turf!

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May 3, 2016 · 7:23 pm

Double-O Me

Chanel number five

When she comes home at night…

Something about it

Just doesn’t feel right.

She won’t catch my eye.

There’s a lie I can see.

This sounds like a job

For Double-O Me!

I’m spying on Wilson.

I hope it’s not John.

I’ve got to find out

Just what’s been going on.

My heart will stay broken

‘Til I find out the truth.

Time for Double-O Me,

The ultimate sleuth!

She doesn’t like Travis

And Alfred is a bore.

Ted’s not into women

And Pete is off at war.

Her other male friends

I cannot recollect 

So maybe the answer’s

Not what I expect?

I’m done spying on Wilson.

I know it isn’t John,

And still I have to wonder

Just what is going on.

My heart will stay broken

‘Til I find out the truth.

Yet more time for Double-O Me,

Still the ultimate sleuth.

I’ve gotten sick of lurking

And staking out my friends.

Now I’m hoping that the means

Will justify the ends.

I asked her “why the perfume?”

She said “It blocks the smell.

“I like pet-sitting Scruffy

“But he stinks like bloody hell!”

For sure it isn’t Wilson.

John was innocent too.

Turns out that my suspicions

Were anything but true.

My heart’s no longer broken,

But I’ve one more thing to do.

Next up for Double-O Me:

To give that dog a talking to.

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February 24, 2016 · 11:51 am

Assault and Batteries

You said you knew

How to jump a car.

It sure wasn’t true…

You left a scar.

Red to black wire…

You expect to live?

I’ll have revenge you liar!

All I’ve got to give.
I’m Lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault!

There’s no time for flattery;

You assaulted my battery.
There’s a surprise

Right under your hood.

When your starter dies

It won’t sound good.

I saw your face.

It looked really dour.

I put you in your place

‘Cause I’ve got the power.
You’re lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault.

There’s no need for flattery.

I assaulted your battery.
(Instrumental bridge with sirens)
We’re face down on asphalt

Cursing at their stars.

It’s both of our faults…

No cops like flattery.

We both got charged

For assaulting the batteries.

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January 8, 2016 · 2:42 pm

My Bathroom Enemy

(This one’s for anyone who’s lives in a five bedroom, one bath house).

It’s seven fifty-five

And I work at eight.

He’s the only reason

That I’m always late.

He used up the hot water

But he doesn’t care.

He gets back in the shower.

He forgot to wash his hair.

My bathroom nemesis

Taking his daily bowel exodus!

He thinks that it’s his destiny

To be the only one to pee!

My bathroom enemy.

One I day got the flu.

I was puking for days,

I couldn’t use the bathroom

‘Cause of what’s-his-face.

At midnight I snuck in

To go number two.

We’re out of toilet paper.

Oh yeah! Guess who?

My bathroom adversary

Taking longer than necessary.

He thinks that it’s his destiny

To be the only one to pee.

My bathroom enemy!

I haven’t bathed in eighteen days.

I just can’t get around this guy.

I’ve has enough. I’ll show him

A brand new bathroom in the sky!

And when he’s dead

We’ll think we’re saved,

But the corpse will miss the burial

‘Cause he still hasn’t shaved!

My bathroom supervillain,

On the procelain throne, just chillin’.

Turns out it’s not his destiny

To be the only one to pee.

The other roommates worship me

‘Cause I killed my bathroom enemy!

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