Come all ye round and sit ye down
And hear me lonesome tune
About a man who dreamed to show
The whole wide world the moon.
He dreamt of walking round in space
And that breathtaking view
And yet alas, a dream of NASA
Never could come true.
For this here lad of whom we sing
Was born without a feature
Incurable by brilliant minds
Or the nation’s finest teacher.
The man, who’s name we shall not say
For fear what he might do
Was born with only one buttock…
Just half the normal two!
Now don’t ye mock the man who had
That single wondrous cheek,
The sight of which could shush a bitch
And make her knees grow weak.
Oh yes, the ladies stopped and stared
And many more went mute
When they’d walk by the halfass guy
And his one glorious glute.
Alas, with but a half a butt
The fellow couldn’t run,
And so he’d sit and tan a bit
In rain or sleet or sun,
Leaving all a full display
The privilege of his birth:
And in the night the moon so bright
Shone on the moon of Earth.
Now in the water by the beach
Whereon our hero tanned
There lived a mermaid of the sea
With hair like golden sand
Who also wore no clothes to hide
Her modesty from view,
And soon she fell in love, for she
Had just one buttock too.
She sang a song of ocean life:
How living in the sea
Was not unlike the moon in that
It lacked most gravity.
She beckoned him to join her in
A land both wet and wild
To share a life of happiness
With many a one-cheek child.
Our hero was quite skeptical,
For of the girls he knew.
Could a lass with half an ass surpass
A lass whose ass had two?
And more important in his mind
Was if he could adjust
To a woman who, as all could view,
Had also but one bust?
Yet as she sang, way up and down
Did heave that single breast
And with such grace his dream of space
Was soon but second best.
And so they left the land alone,
No longer to breath air.
And thus one perfect buttock was
Half of a perfect pair.