I heard some kids sing “Old McDonald”
Singing “With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,
“Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.”
Then I turned on the radio
And heard a 41-year-old sing
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.”
Children deserve more respect.
Filed under Poems
Come all ye round and sit ye down
And hear me lonesome tune
About a man who dreamed to show
The whole wide world the moon.
He dreamt of walking round in space
And that breathtaking view
And yet alas, a dream of NASA
Never could come true.
For this here lad of whom we sing
Was born without a feature
Incurable by brilliant minds
Or the nation’s finest teacher.
The man, who’s name we shall not say
For fear what he might do
Was born with only one buttock…
Just half the normal two!
Now don’t ye mock the man who had
That single wondrous cheek,
The sight of which could shush a bitch
And make her knees grow weak.
Oh yes, the ladies stopped and stared
And many more went mute
When they’d walk by the halfass guy
And his one glorious glute.
Alas, with but a half a butt
The fellow couldn’t run,
And so he’d sit and tan a bit
In rain or sleet or sun,
Leaving all a full display
The privilege of his birth:
And in the night the moon so bright
Shone on the moon of Earth.
Now in the water by the beach
Whereon our hero tanned
There lived a mermaid of the sea
With hair like golden sand
Who also wore no clothes to hide
Her modesty from view,
And soon she fell in love, for she
Had just one buttock too.
She sang a song of ocean life:
How living in the sea
Was not unlike the moon in that
It lacked most gravity.
She beckoned him to join her in
A land both wet and wild
To share a life of happiness
With many a one-cheek child.
Our hero was quite skeptical,
For of the girls he knew.
Could a lass with half an ass surpass
A lass whose ass had two?
And more important in his mind
Was if he could adjust
To a woman who, as all could view,
Had also but one bust?
Yet as she sang, way up and down
Did heave that single breast
And with such grace his dream of space
Was soon but second best.
And so they left the land alone,
No longer to breath air.
And thus one perfect buttock was
Half of a perfect pair.
Hey, where did we go
Days when the [weather happened]?
[Over] in the hollow
Playin’ a [mutually enjoyed] game.
Laughin’ and [a-movin’,] hey hey
[Via our unspecified motor abilities]
In the [typical morning environmental conditions] with
Our hearts a-[operating energetically’,] and you
My [human with eyes].
You’re [a strong, independent person with eyes].
And whatever happened
To Tuesday and so [relaxed]
Going down the [honored legacy repository location] with a
[Non gender-specific sibling audio device]?
[Present] in the [environment]! [self-expressin’]
Hidin’ behind a rainbow’s [vertical barrier]
Slippin’ and a-slidin’
All along the [local water feature] with you
My [individual with eyes].
You’re [a self-actualizing homo-sapien sapien with eyes].
Do you remember when
we used to [communicate]
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da
(just like that)
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da
La te da
So [challenging] to find my way
Now that I’m [pursuing self-defined success independently]
I [encountered] you just the other day
My, how you have [altered aspects of yourself without diminishing their quality]
Cast my memory back there, [authority figure]?
Sometimes I’m [very impressed] thinkin’ ’bout
[Consensual intimacy] in the green grass
Behind the [culture-neutral building] with you
My [specimin with eyes].
You’re [an entity possessing human shape platonically correlated with me, and you have eyes].
[Don’t be ashamed if you can’t, or choose not to ] remember when
we used to [extemporate]
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da ([existin’] in the [local foliage]!)
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da (bit by, bit by, bit by, bit by, bit
by, bit)
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da (sha la la la la, la la la la, la te
da, la te da, la te da, da da da)
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da…
Filed under Lyrics
Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.
Yeah, that’s a thing that Satan wants to do.
His mouth’s already watering
At the prospect of slaughtering
That tasty human spirit that is you!
Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.
I heard him to his Mrs. Satan say
“Hey, why don’t you and me go
“Have some eggs and Human Ego
“As a nutritious snack to start the day!”
Satan has a hunch
That it’s too soon for lunch
And, by that logic, also too soon for dinner.
But they don’t sleep-in in Hell
And to start his day off well
You are the perfect portion size of sinner!
(Everybody)!
Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.
He wants to fill his belly with your Id.
I hope you’ve read your Dante
‘Cause you’re what Satan wants. Hey!
That’s what you get for being a naughty kid!
Placelandia! We celebrate
The nation that is not a state,
The place where politicians come to die!
Where residents have common sense
And our plan for national defense
Is not to be a dick to folks nearby.
Placelandia! We celebrate
Our lack (so far) of Watergate
Or other nasty scandals of that kind.
Where citizens think differently
And something backs our currency;
A country built with happiness in mind.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
A nation that can safely be ignored.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
Where drama-seeking tourists will be bored.
Placelandia! We celebrate
That here nice guys can get a date
And nobody is told they must comply.
Where everybody owns a Glock
And Fox exec Rupert Murdoch
Would not have had to cancel Firefly.
Placelandia! We celebrate
A place mostly devoid of hate,
Where legs just shave themselves if given time.
We hope you have enjoyed this song
And pop stars didn’t sing too long
Before the very easy ending rhyme.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
It’s a pretty snazzy kinda joint.
Placelandia! Placelandia!
Okay, okay, okay! We get the point!
Tick tock!
I see her walk
Down main street USA.
The passing time…
Her smile’s bright shine…
I hardly notice the gloomy day.
Tick tock!
I see her stop
And watch her turn my way.
Time feels so slow.
I’ve no place to go.
So glad I’ve got all day!
Hours, minutes,
Days and weeks;
The world is timeless
When she speaks.
Her endless sunset
Lights my life.
What on Earth
Will I tell my wife?
Tick tock!
I see her socks.
They look a lot like mine.
Her lovely face…
Her classic grace…
The way she says “I’m fine…”
Tick tock!
Again she talks.
She calls my secret name.
It dawns on me
And soon I see…
Oh my God, how lame!
Hours, minutes,
Days and weeks;
The world is timeless
When she speaks.
Her endless sunset
Lights my life.
Just realized…
She is my wife!
You take me into your home.
You keep me inside and play with my hair.
You call me a pretty boy
Then you punish me. Baby, give me some air!
You say “call me master.”
I am your slave now.
But I’ll live on my own terms
And soon to me you’ll bow.
You thought you’d relax in the bathroom,
Have clean furniture and a new-house smell.
You forgot me in that equation.
Now I welcome you to nine lives in Hell.
You said “call me master.”
I just said “meow.”
But I’ll live on my own terms
So who’s the master now?
Now you call me master.
You’re little more than my serf.
Now you’ll live by my terms
Or get your ass off my turf!
Chanel number five
When she comes home at night…
Something about it
Just doesn’t feel right.
She won’t catch my eye.
There’s a lie I can see.
This sounds like a job
For Double-O Me!
I’m spying on Wilson.
I hope it’s not John.
I’ve got to find out
Just what’s been going on.
My heart will stay broken
‘Til I find out the truth.
Time for Double-O Me,
The ultimate sleuth!
She doesn’t like Travis
And Alfred is a bore.
Ted’s not into women
And Pete is off at war.
Her other male friends
I cannot recollect
So maybe the answer’s
Not what I expect?
I’m done spying on Wilson.
I know it isn’t John,
And still I have to wonder
Just what is going on.
My heart will stay broken
‘Til I find out the truth.
Yet more time for Double-O Me,
Still the ultimate sleuth.
I’ve gotten sick of lurking
And staking out my friends.
Now I’m hoping that the means
Will justify the ends.
I asked her “why the perfume?”
She said “It blocks the smell.
“I like pet-sitting Scruffy
“But he stinks like bloody hell!”
For sure it isn’t Wilson.
John was innocent too.
Turns out that my suspicions
Were anything but true.
My heart’s no longer broken,
But I’ve one more thing to do.
Next up for Double-O Me:
To give that dog a talking to.
You said you knew
How to jump a car.
It sure wasn’t true…
You left a scar.
Red to black wire…
You expect to live?
I’ll have revenge you liar!
All I’ve got to give.
I’m Lyin’ on asphalt
Cursing at the stars.
You know it’s your fault!
There’s no time for flattery;
You assaulted my battery.
There’s a surprise
Right under your hood.
When your starter dies
It won’t sound good.
I saw your face.
It looked really dour.
I put you in your place
‘Cause I’ve got the power.
You’re lyin’ on asphalt
Cursing at the stars.
You know it’s your fault.
There’s no need for flattery.
I assaulted your battery.
(Instrumental bridge with sirens)
We’re face down on asphalt
Cursing at their stars.
It’s both of our faults…
No cops like flattery.
We both got charged
For assaulting the batteries.
Filed under Lyrics
The Daily Travesty 