Tonight my pipes were in trouble
Because they’d broken the law.
The cops spotted their getaway
And shouted “There! Haha”
And then the cops made a booboo
As they called to the pipes in the night:
They shouted “Freeze!” and now
There’s no water to shower tonight.
Filed under Poems
Today my shower broke
And it sprayed everywhere.
The hose that moved the water
Had ripped a mighty tear
So I went to Home Depot
And bought a fixy thing
With a non-torn doohickey
And an intact rubber ring.
I screwed it on the spiggot
Where the water starts to pour
But with the new doohickey
The flow’s not limited anymore
And it makes an awesome shower,
Like emptying ten semi trucks
Full of water. One more reason
Why life in California sucks!
Filed under Poems
When you are but a babe
Bursting forth from mother’s loins
You know nothing about the world,
Nor, in fact, about Des Moines.
But as you grow, you learn
That, for instance, Dad’s a plumber.
You grow forever wiser
While at the same time, dumber.
You learn at one, for instance
That your body must stay clean
And when you’re put in the sink
They’re not doing it to be mean.
At the age of six or seven
You move on from baths to showers,
But you take them very quickly,
Unlike teens, who go for hours.
And sometime around age 20
You maybe fall in love,
And find new uses for the shower
As well as for that rubber glove.
And maybe when you’re 40
Amidst your midlife lull
You realize the shower
Is a gender-neutral urinal.
And by the time you’re eighty
And, in the shower, you have to sit
You wonder if that urinal thing
Also goes for…
And there you are in a nursing home.
Your mind has gone for good.
Thus endeth your enlightenment,
Or so we knock on wood.
The Daily Travesty 