Tag Archives: Wisdom

Buy My Books Now Before They Go On Sale And Lose All Of Their Value

Money’s more expensive now,

And so are milk and bread.

Your rent’s gone through the roof this year

And it’s hard to keep your head.

You might think that stocks and bonds

Are good spots for your money,

But you are wrong! The best investment

Is poetry that’s funny!

For instance, look at all the folks

Who lost their homes this year.

They didn’t buy a book of verse

But spent their cash on beer,

And I think Queen Elizabeth

Would be alive today

If she’d just read one lousy poem

Published every day!

So do it for your health and wealth

And the queen’s legacy:

Read the crap I publish here

And oh! The results you’ll see!

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I Did Plans D-ZZ For You… You’re Welcome

Sometimes you make a plan A, B, and C

But the world just is what it chooses to be

And while we can see it as a half-full cup

Sometimes it’s more fun just to mess some stuff up!

On somewhat of a tangent, I’m really keen

On the idea of making a time machine

That does a time loop, Groundhog Day style

And mess some stuff up for an infinite while.

You’re consequence-free for a lifetime or two,

Testing out various versions of you.

Don’t like the result of a particular day?

Just jump off a cliff and try a new way!

And if you are sad knowing this isn’t real,

Believe me, I get it! I know how you feel…

So think of it this way (This gets kinda heady)

You’ve been in and finished a time loop already.

You’ve lived endless lives of the same day again

And you’ve kissed all the ladies and shot all the men

And learned Japanese and solved nuclear fusion

And finally came to a stunning conclusion:

With infinite time, with no way to fail,

With no threat of death, embarrassment, jail

Your life loses meaning if you only win it

So you used your last time loop to think for a minute,

Inventing a button that made time go back

To a day at a time, with a total lack

Of memory concerning your endless days

Of repeating your time in all different ways.

You’ve already learned that making mistakes

Is sometimes exactly what happiness takes,

But if you still need to shoot a TV

To burn some frustration, that’s alright by me!

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Not All Mentors Are Created Equal

Spring chicken, tell me what you see

Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?

It is a strange thing, to be sure,

And I’m not sure I understand it

In my mind or heart

But still I trust, for I asked and you answered

“Puckaaaawwwwww!”

I shall strive to live by those words.

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Identity Crisis

Once a boy wondered if it was okay

That he wanted to feel like a woman someday;

Once a girl asked if she’d feel more joy

If she looked and acted and spoke like a boy;

One adult wondered, for they had forgotten,

If youth was a blessing or if it were rotten;

And so this went on for more than forever

In the weak and the strong and the dumb and the clever.

Behind every eye is a mind that is yearning

To know if their heart is the only one burning,

To know if their fears are the same as their neighbors

And whether they’ll ever bear fruit from their labors.

They seek refuge from the onslaught of “uncertain,”

Ever straining to peek at what’s behind the curtain,

Answering tests that will never be graded

‘Til the years pass them by and the memories are faded.

And Amy and Andrew and Zelda and Zane

Will all long for comfort and cry from their pain,

And only the wisest know what they must do:

Merely listen intently and say what is true.

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Also, Life Is Better With Endless 8-Bit Russian Folk Music

In life, as in Tetris

Failure is guaranteed.

The longer you’ve been playing

The higher is your speed.

You choose where to place the blocks

That you’ve no strength to bend.

Your only goal’s to stay alive

Until the very end.

To play the lowest levels

Is a way to work off stress

But you’ll find when all is over

The rewards are much, much less.

You’ll win by staying focused;

You’ll lose if you get shot.

If you choose to try again

It may get worse… or not.

When you’re done the lowest scores

Are gone without a trace,

But for the few who managed to

Put everything in place

You’ll enter your initials

To claim your high score’s stake

And if you do not enter “ASS”

You’ve made a huge mistake.

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Breaking: Pinocchio Becomes Democratic AND Republican Frontrunner

Geppetto saw the puppet

Come alive one fateful night.

He hardly could contain his pure

Excitement and delight.

He asked, “What is your power?”

To which the toy replied,

“My nose grows when I’m truthful

“And I’ve never, ever lied.”

Geppetto took the puppet

On a tour of the land

And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”

To all the coarse and bland.

“A gift to puppetmakers

“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”

And so, in awe, they watched the nose

And drank unto his health.

And as the ugly stayed the same,

The poor stayed destitute,

The puppet stayed beloved,

For his word was absolute.

This lesson serves to illustrate

Wherefore in every hour

We ought not correlate the truth

With presence of a power.

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Not The Solution We Need, But The Solution We Deserve…

Thousands of New Yorkers

Are dying every day,

Yet no one has the courage

To step on up and say

“Send every smart-mouthed teenager

“Some radioactive Purell.”

We could have superheroes by now

But the government says “Oh well…”

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You Have It, But You Choose How

I share with you a secret

That you think cannot be true:

That everything to ever be

Exists solely for you,

That every book and every shell

And every coin and bill

And every star and sunrise

And every sloping hill

Exist as in a melody

From one eternal voice,

That you might seek to claim them

Through your only power: choice.

For if you choose to value wealth

Then wealth you will attain

Through labor, luck, investment,

Or through theft and threat of pain.

Perhaps you value honesty

And see all worldly truth,

Or perhaps you choose your body,

To sustain the light of youth.

But though the universe is yours

You cannot hold a star

For the heat of it would burn you up

(And also, it’s too far).

So too, if wealth should pass you by

Or youth and strength should wane

That too’s the gift of everything

Preventing unseen pain.

So if you wish to value

That which pleases most of all,

Don’t wish for that which others give

(Or to be six feet tall)

But choose to value where you are,

To dream only to be,

And you shall live in paradise

For all eternity.

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Ancient Wisdom

“Let he who is without fault

Cast the first stone.”

-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners

“Just because my path is different

“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”

-Traditional Male Excuse

“Even though I walk

“Through the darkest valley

“I will fear no evil

“For you are with me.”

-Man With Concealed Handgun License

“Faith can move mountains.”

-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother

“There’s something about a woman

“With a loud mind

“Who sits in silence, smiling

“Knowing she can crush you

“With the truth.”

-Some hoe, probably

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Irony Is Also Human…

Poems are like people

By which I mean to say

Occasionally you laugh at them

But also wish they’d go away.

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