I roasted marshmallows on an open fire
And the poofed up soft and gold.
I roasted them over a vat of ice
And they sat unchanged. I’m told
That fire and ice are equals
And, while true, it must be said
That camping is better with fire than ice.
Now enlightened, go ye to bed.
Filed under Poems
Money’s more expensive now,
And so are milk and bread.
Your rent’s gone through the roof this year
And it’s hard to keep your head.
You might think that stocks and bonds
Are good spots for your money,
But you are wrong! The best investment
Is poetry that’s funny!
For instance, look at all the folks
Who lost their homes this year.
They didn’t buy a book of verse
But spent their cash on beer,
And I think Queen Elizabeth
Would be alive today
If she’d just read one lousy poem
Published every day!
So do it for your health and wealth
And the queen’s legacy:
Read the crap I publish here
And oh! The results you’ll see!
Filed under Poems
Sometimes you make a plan A, B, and C
But the world just is what it chooses to be
And while we can see it as a half-full cup
Sometimes it’s more fun just to mess some stuff up!
On somewhat of a tangent, I’m really keen
On the idea of making a time machine
That does a time loop, Groundhog Day style
And mess some stuff up for an infinite while.
You’re consequence-free for a lifetime or two,
Testing out various versions of you.
Don’t like the result of a particular day?
Just jump off a cliff and try a new way!
And if you are sad knowing this isn’t real,
Believe me, I get it! I know how you feel…
So think of it this way (This gets kinda heady)
You’ve been in and finished a time loop already.
You’ve lived endless lives of the same day again
And you’ve kissed all the ladies and shot all the men
And learned Japanese and solved nuclear fusion
And finally came to a stunning conclusion:
With infinite time, with no way to fail,
With no threat of death, embarrassment, jail
Your life loses meaning if you only win it
So you used your last time loop to think for a minute,
Inventing a button that made time go back
To a day at a time, with a total lack
Of memory concerning your endless days
Of repeating your time in all different ways.
You’ve already learned that making mistakes
Is sometimes exactly what happiness takes,
But if you still need to shoot a TV
To burn some frustration, that’s alright by me!
Filed under Poems
Spring chicken, tell me what you see
Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?
It is a strange thing, to be sure,
And I’m not sure I understand it
In my mind or heart
But still I trust, for I asked and you answered
“Puckaaaawwwwww!”
I shall strive to live by those words.
Filed under Poems
Once a boy wondered if it was okay
That he wanted to feel like a woman someday;
Once a girl asked if she’d feel more joy
If she looked and acted and spoke like a boy;
One adult wondered, for they had forgotten,
If youth was a blessing or if it were rotten;
And so this went on for more than forever
In the weak and the strong and the dumb and the clever.
Behind every eye is a mind that is yearning
To know if their heart is the only one burning,
To know if their fears are the same as their neighbors
And whether they’ll ever bear fruit from their labors.
They seek refuge from the onslaught of “uncertain,”
Ever straining to peek at what’s behind the curtain,
Answering tests that will never be graded
‘Til the years pass them by and the memories are faded.
And Amy and Andrew and Zelda and Zane
Will all long for comfort and cry from their pain,
And only the wisest know what they must do:
Merely listen intently and say what is true.
Filed under Poems
In life, as in Tetris
Failure is guaranteed.
The longer you’ve been playing
The higher is your speed.
You choose where to place the blocks
That you’ve no strength to bend.
Your only goal’s to stay alive
Until the very end.
To play the lowest levels
Is a way to work off stress
But you’ll find when all is over
The rewards are much, much less.
You’ll win by staying focused;
You’ll lose if you get shot.
If you choose to try again
It may get worse… or not.
When you’re done the lowest scores
Are gone without a trace,
But for the few who managed to
Put everything in place
You’ll enter your initials
To claim your high score’s stake
And if you do not enter “ASS”
You’ve made a huge mistake.
Filed under Poems
Geppetto saw the puppet
Come alive one fateful night.
He hardly could contain his pure
Excitement and delight.
He asked, “What is your power?”
To which the toy replied,
“My nose grows when I’m truthful
“And I’ve never, ever lied.”
Geppetto took the puppet
On a tour of the land
And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”
To all the coarse and bland.
“A gift to puppetmakers
“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”
And so, in awe, they watched the nose
And drank unto his health.
And as the ugly stayed the same,
The poor stayed destitute,
The puppet stayed beloved,
For his word was absolute.
This lesson serves to illustrate
Wherefore in every hour
We ought not correlate the truth
With presence of a power.
Filed under Poems
Thousands of New Yorkers
Are dying every day,
Yet no one has the courage
To step on up and say
“Send every smart-mouthed teenager
“Some radioactive Purell.”
We could have superheroes by now
But the government says “Oh well…”
Filed under Poems
I share with you a secret
That you think cannot be true:
That everything to ever be
Exists solely for you,
That every book and every shell
And every coin and bill
And every star and sunrise
And every sloping hill
Exist as in a melody
From one eternal voice,
That you might seek to claim them
Through your only power: choice.
For if you choose to value wealth
Then wealth you will attain
Through labor, luck, investment,
Or through theft and threat of pain.
Perhaps you value honesty
And see all worldly truth,
Or perhaps you choose your body,
To sustain the light of youth.
But though the universe is yours
You cannot hold a star
For the heat of it would burn you up
(And also, it’s too far).
So too, if wealth should pass you by
Or youth and strength should wane
That too’s the gift of everything
Preventing unseen pain.
So if you wish to value
That which pleases most of all,
Don’t wish for that which others give
(Or to be six feet tall)
But choose to value where you are,
To dream only to be,
And you shall live in paradise
For all eternity.
Filed under Poems
“Let he who is without fault
Cast the first stone.”
-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners
“Just because my path is different
“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”
-Traditional Male Excuse
“Even though I walk
“Through the darkest valley
“I will fear no evil
“For you are with me.”
-Man With Concealed Handgun License
“Faith can move mountains.”
-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother
“There’s something about a woman
“With a loud mind
“Who sits in silence, smiling
“Knowing she can crush you
“With the truth.”
-Some hoe, probably
Filed under Uncategorized
The Daily Travesty 