Tag Archives: poems

When You Spend Mauritanian Money To Play A Gregorian Cadence On A Welsh Instrument (And No One Will Play Board Games With You Anymore)

I spent lots of oguiya

To buy a crwths

So I could perform a euouae.

If you think this is nonsense

But I know better…

I’ve read the Scrabble dictionary. Hooray!

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Really? Really.

In the news: 007 is a black lady

And a million people attack area 51.

Neither endeavor is likely to succeed

But at least “Seein’ dem aliens” will be fun.

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The Family Diner

I went to a family diner

I ordered a “family omelette”.

The menu wasn’t specific

So I waited to see what I’d get.

When they delivered the omelette

I found myself rather stricken

‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”

Was apparently just eggs and chicken.

The submenu options included

The “family omelette deluxe”

Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,

Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.

The Conservative family omelette

Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.

The Liberal family omelette

Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.

The feminist family omelette

Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.

The black family omelette had half as much chicken

‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.

The Japanese family omelette

Came with an unrealistic hairdo

And, upon looking closer, you’ll find

It has better SAT scores than you.

When I went to that family diner

I brought my future wife on a date.

I still visit on weekends and holidays

When I don’t have a lot on my plate.

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Oscarbait 2019

I screamed at the milk carton

“Why doesn’t she love me?”

The milk carton pondered

For a long, long time.

Starring Keanu Reeves.

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One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

Some say poetry is crap.

Others call it art.

Nobody liked my soccer poem

And I’d call that a very good start!

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Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste

There’s an argument in the USA

About soccer teams and equal pay

‘Cause men got paid more overall

Despite the women winning all the way.

The other side of this tirade

Says the male players are underpaid

Because the revenue their team produced

Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.

Now how revenue or standings weigh

On the importance scale I can’t say.

The real question is, in 2019,

Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?

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When You Hate The Haters, You Hate Yourself, But I’m White So I Should Hate Myself Anyway And I’m So Confused…

“Everyone loves our movies”

Said the Disney corporation

As they embarked on making

Their next live-action adaptation.

“The only problem I can see”

Said a modern movie buff

“Is that your previous films

“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”

And so the Disney corporation

Began to turn away

Anyone who wasn’t brown

Or female or gay.

Now the Disney corporation

Isn’t evil, FYI

Despite their CEO Bob Iger

Being an old cis-hetero white guy.

We know he isn’t evil

And his movies aren’t trash

‘Cause anti-white discrimination

Is what brings Disney their cash

And money, after all,

Is what makes the world go round.

(Also, you know who to blame

If I go missing and am never found).

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