Tag Archives: poems

If The Analogy Works Dat Thang…

Remember Mandy the stripper?

The one who showed you her rear

Before she leaned in close to you

And whispered in your ear,

“You’re the one I’m dancing for,”

So you slip her 20 bucks?

That’s basically how the government works

And why I say it sucks.

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How The Second American Civil War Began?

There once was a Cheeto named Don

Whose power was soon to be gone.

At first he was miffed

But then Joe scratched and sniffed

So Don sighed and just said, “Carry on.”

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I Dream of England

Jerry was snoring

In bed in New Hamphire.

“Zzz” was the sound from his head.

Gerald was snoring

In the Hampshire of olde,

And onlookers heard “Zedzedzed.”

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Morning People

The sky was cool and starry blue,

The Earth a pool of morning dew,

Abuzz with life of every shape,

From bug to bird to dog to ape.

One bit of life upon the Earth

Was a normal child of human birth

Who’d celebrate each dawning day

With the joyous sound of childish play.

He was no bird; He could not fly,

And yet he was intent to try.

He’d leap from couch to bed to floor

Until his muscles flew no more.

He was no bug; He could not crawl

Upon a roof or stalwart wall,

But in the calm before the dawn

He, undeterred, would skitter on.

He was no dog; He could not bark,

But made his home a sort of park

In which to howl in youthful glee

In the apartment above me.

He was no ape; He ought to know

His acts impact the room below.

I smell his breakfast on the breeze:

Bacon, toast, and antifreeze…

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Grief + Caffeine =

Woe is me, woe is me

For my true love is dead.

She woke up one morning

With one fewer head.

It cannot be real!

It must be a fake!

I’m angry as hell

Thanks to someone’s mistake!

Oh, what would I give

To return her to life?

Oh what’s the use anyway?

Let’s get on with life.

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Amber Alert

What child is this

You laid to rest

That in my lap

Is sleeping,

Whose face glows white

Like the face of God,

And why won’t my cell phone

Quit beeping?

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Why Your Meat Choice Matters

For every chicken they kill

To sell at the store

When apocalypse comes

That’s one skeleton more.

For every boneless chicken

You bring home to roast

When apocalypse comes

That’s just one more ghost.

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The REAL Cause of Global Warming (and How to Fix It)

Before the internet was made

Antarctica was nice:

Just peaceful people chilling

On an endless sheet of ice.

But after wifi came along

Antarctica, once fine,

Fell immediately into

Inescapable decline

Because one lonely penguin

(Or perhaps a polar bear)

Signed on to ye olde internet

Just to see what’s there.

That was when the searcher

Received the first and fatal clue:

“Are you feeling lonely?

“Check out hot singles near you.”

Now I am not a penguin

(Nor am I a polar bear)

But whatever sorry animal saw

The advertisement there

Went looking for hot singles

Due to loneliness they felt,

Not thinking that the hotness

Just might cause the ice to melt.

Now we find Antarctica

Is little more than ocean

Because of one’s animal needs

(At least that is my notion).

So if we want the glaciers back

And want to stop tides rising

My must delete the internet

(At least that’s my surmising).

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YA Romance Writers, Take Note

While I was making sweet, sweet love

To my canoe, I thought:

“Just because your love’s forbidden

“Doesn’t mean it’s hot.”

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That Was My First Mistake

When a child is chosen

To come down from Heaven

They’re given a choice

From between one and seven

On how hard a challenge

They want life to be.

Here’s a few quick examples

For you now, from me:

One is a plant

In a jungle somewhere

Far away from the humans

With lots of clean air.

A two is a puppy

In a rich white guy’s home

With unlimited treats

And a whole yard to roam.

A three’s like a two

Until that fateful day

When you start as a “he”

And the vet makes you “they.”

A four is a human

Who lives all their days

With a big happy family

And an annual raise.

At five you have troubles

Like sickness or fear

And just 500 likes

On that pic of your rear.

At six life can seem

Like an old country song,

But you can take comfort

That it won’t last too long.

And seven’s just you

In a hospital bed

With a Taylor Swift song

Ever stuck in your head.

I hope that this helps you

Decide your next fate.

I know that, before life,

A lot’s on your plate.

No matter your choice though

You’ll probably be fine

Unless you’re a poet

Who asked, “Hmm… what’s nine?”

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