Tag Archives: poems

Pimento Control Now!

He was black, surrounded by brothers,

Unarmed and defenseless

When a white man came by

To perform something senseless:

The poor black was gutted

And served on a platter

With mediterranean food.

#BlackOlivesMatter

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How To Get Federal Unemployment Benefits

When I said “I like my coffee

“Like my women: Sweet and black.”

My coworker decided

That was a personal attack.

She called the supervisor

Just to say she was offended

And just like that I found I was,

Like Epstein’s neck, suspended.

But now my luck has turned around

And I see that I’m blessed.

I can’t be an oppressor

If I am, in fact, oppressed.

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This Greeting Will Blow You Away…

If we didn’t announce hurricanes

Just for a year or two

No one would die in a hurricane again.

Also, I’m fine. How ‘bout you?

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Portland Rap

I asked a tranny dude if he wanted to fight,

‘Cause I figured “He ain’t got the balls, amiright?”

He said “No,” which is fine, but it got really weird

When his girlfriend came forward and I stepped on her beard.

I was going to write seven more verses, but I think you get the point…

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Unstoppable Laughter

Middle school classroom:

All is quiet. Someone farts.

No learning today.

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See Also: Ant Farms

Once upon a time, some guy

Said “I know what we need!:

“A kinda boring screensaver

“We also have to feed.”

All the other townspeople

Said “That’s as good as it gets,”

And they all went out to buy themselves

Some fish to keep as pets.

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#Fitness

Cookies for breakfast,

Pizza for lunch,

Twelve donuts for dinner,

But I did one crunch!

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Beauty Without Photoshop

Willow, willow, don’t you weep.

Just calm upon the Earth sit.

Your loveliness has but one name:

Arb’oreal: Because you’re worth it.

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Why The White House Has Five Full-Time Chefs

I shouldn’t be the president

Because when I want a snack

I go to a take out restaraunt

And microwave it when I get back.

At first that won’t seem dangerous

Until my words are these:

“I’m feeling kinda hungry… hey!

“Why not nuke some Chinese?”

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Why Ghosts Are Angry

Greg had no reason to live anymore

So he bought a rope and locked the door

And made a new necklace he tied to the roof

And fell to his death without uttering “oof.”

He opened his eyes and he looked all around

And saw his cadaver and angrily frowned;

Yes, he succeeded in becoming dead

But now he’s a ghost, and immortal instead.

Worse, now the tourists come hither and yon

For signs of the ghost of Greg, who is gone.

He’ll wail and shriek and pray for some help

But the tourists just cheer and write “Five stars” on Yelp.

If its deserved or not, no one can tell

But Greg lives forever in introvert Hell.

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