Tag Archives: Crime

Quit Selling Drugs And Make REAL Money

If you’re a burglar

And want to do something bad

To an ex-CIA agent

Turned middle-class dad

I think you ought to

‘Cause although you’ll get killed

Hollywood will tell your story

And teen boys will be thrilled.

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Crime Pays Everyone But Me

People lose millions of dollars a day

To people with terrible grammar,

So I figured “Hey, I seem stupid sometimes

“So why shouldn’t I be a scammer?”

I sent out an email to millions of people

Saying “I could have stolen a stack

“But instead I abstained from stealing your money

“So to say thanks, could you send some back?”

That was on Monday and now it is Friday

And I’m not sure if scams like this work…

So now you’re aware of why criminals steal:

It’s ’cause you’re a miserly jerk!

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The Thief’s Downfall

I scouted out the diamond vault.

I broke in late at night.

I yoga’ed through the laser beams

And set the door alight.

I grabbed the bag of jewels

As the distant sirens screamed,

But as I made my exit

I forgot something, it seemed…

My velvet gloves were black as jet,

My goggles oversized.

My bicycle-powered plane was fast

But soon I realized

I’d left my top hat in the vault

As through the clouds I sailed.

Yes, I got away scot free

But, in my heart, I’d failed.

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Deshaun Recalls His Scholastic Endeavors

I didn’t learn much at public school

But I remember the important stuff

Like “Everything in the world is free

“If you can run fast enough.”

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You Can’t Spell “Guilt” Without U and I

Well, you tried to con a dollar

From my hard day’s work

But I’ve never worked a day in my life.

Then you tried to sell me something

In an unmarked bag.

I said “Maybe, but I gotta ask my wife.”

Then you pulled a Smith and Wesson

From your paint-on jeans

And you told me “Pull your wallet out slow.”

Nine months later you’ve a stroller,

I’m approved for my parole-a.

When it’s love, sometimes you just know.

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Baby’s First Gangsta Rap

I hit my brother

And hit my mother.

It was not okay.

They said “Don’t hit.”

I said “No shit”

And hit them anyway.

Cops saw the fight,

Turned on their light,

And hit me in the gut.

So hitting’s okay

With the government’s say?

And I was all like “Wut?”

I hit the cop

And hit my pop

With my inflatable hammer.

They cuffed my wrists

To stop my fists

And shut me in the slammer.

I was in jail

‘Cause no one paid bail

And was charged in juvenile court.

I can’t write a sentence

But I’ll attempt repentance

And maybe build a fort.

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The Real Reason For Bread And Water In Prison

Want to give stopping crime a try?

We’ve got police and the FBI,

The CIA and TSA

And yet crime just won’t go away!

I have a method that may just work:

If somebody is being a jerk

Feed them lots of food, ’cause who

Commits a crime when they have to poo?

When perpetrators are constipated

You’ll find most violence had abated;

If you don’t want to end up dead

Feed potential felons bread.

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This Goes For Taxes As Well, Except A Mugger Might Use The Money For Something Valuable

If you get mugged in central park

And think it isn’t fair

Just call it a “mandatory donation

“To ensuring criminal welfare.”

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Old Habits Never Die

She killed a man in April.

By May she was convicted.

The day of her execution came;

Her heart, it was conflicted.

The guard came to her cell

And asked what her last meal would be.

She said “I don’t know. What do you want?”

#ReasonsForTheDeathPenalty

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Board Games In Baltimore

We sat down to play

The latest version of Clue,

Read through the rulebook

To check what was new,

Saw a new character

Named “Mr. Not-White”

And we shouted “Case closed”

And called it a night.

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