Tag Archives: Crime

This Goes For Taxes As Well, Except A Mugger Might Use The Money For Something Valuable

If you get mugged in central park

And think it isn’t fair

Just call it a “mandatory donation

“To ensuring criminal welfare.”

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Old Habits Never Die

She killed a man in April.

By May she was convicted.

The day of her execution came;

Her heart, it was conflicted.

The guard came to her cell

And asked what her last meal would be.

She said “I don’t know. What do you want?”

#ReasonsForTheDeathPenalty

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Board Games In Baltimore

We sat down to play

The latest version of Clue,

Read through the rulebook

To check what was new,

Saw a new character

Named “Mr. Not-White”

And we shouted “Case closed”

And called it a night.

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Venus In Manhattan

The day that Venus touched my hand

The night was dark upon the land;

The wind was very chill and grim

And the streetlights’ respites scarce and slim.

As her fingers met with mine

I longed for them to intertwine.

I held on tight as she let go.

How chill and grim the wind did blow!

I asked her why she ran away

But, no longer present, she’d naught to say.

And as I stood there all alone

I realized she stole my phone.

Venus, it seems, knew the pickpocket’s art

But knew not that she stole my heart.

So I launched “Find my iPhone”

And followed with a heart of stone

The steps to find my mobile and

The Venus who had touched my hand.

Down I followed many miles

Towards the thief and all her wiles,

Past the park and through the woods

And into shady neighborhoods

Until upon the spot came I

Where Apple said “Your phone’s nearby,”

And there I saw her, Queen of Love,

My iPhone held with woolen glove.

Her fingers danced light as can be

As she stole my identity.

I called out “Venus, I am Joe!”

She shrugged as if to say “I know.”

Then she shot me in the face

With majestic and transcendent grace.

As I descended to the dead

Her visage filled what was left of my head.

And on that dark and stormy night

When Venus’s left hand touched my right…

That hand which held the fated gun

Which well-ensured my life was done…

And whence the chill, grim wind had blown

I learned the downside of testosterone.

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Al Capone, Libertarian

I ask you now to wonder

On the act of taking plunder

And on pirate-like behavior as a whole:

How does someone with a flag

Holding out a taxman’s bag

Compare to vagrants charging travelers a toll?

And what of other you’s and me’s

Traveling on the seven seas

When a Jolly Roger pulls their cannon out

And says “give us what you’ve got

“Or you’ll probably get shot.”

That’s what piracy and taxes are about!

Now sure, our brand of takers

Cheer beside you for the Lakers

And send you notes before they pull their gun

But they are not made less like Smeagol

Just because their theft is legal

And their pre-audit demeanor is more fun.

I’m not afraid to call BS

On our nation’s IRS.

Now excuse me, for I must go on the run.

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Someone In Delaware, Get On This Please!

As Uber and Lyft are to taxis,

As AirB&B is to lodging

We need a low-cost solution

To enable the art of tax-dodging.

Uber and Lyft are slang and misspellings.

AirB&B is the service plus “air.”

I suggest “AirTyght” for our no-tax service

And if you disagree I don’t care.

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How To Fail Less

If at first you don’t succeed

Find out who has made it so

Then stab that person ’til they bleed

And on to victory you’ll go.

This strategy has proven good

Historically for folks who are male

But wait! Do it not you should

If you cause yourself to fail.

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