My nose was all sniffly;
‘Twas spring in the air.
Faster than you say “piffly”
My Kleenex weren’t there.
I went to the store
To pick up some tissue
But they had no more
And THAT was an issue.
So I grabbed my gun
And went off a raidin’
Until my nose’s run
Could be finished abatin’.
I knocked on a door
And they opened it. Fools!
I shrieked “Get on the floor!”
And I searched through their tools…
And nails to pound
But try as I might
There were no Kleenex found.
The cops were approaching
I could hear their siren
And I was encroaching
And expect they’d be firin’
So I took the out…
The only one I had:
I scrunched up my snout
And sniffed like my dad.
That day as the bullets
Riddled my body
I learned snot down the gullet
Is what cops think is naughty.
This family-friendly poem was inspired by my beautiful girlfriend and her nose. Blame her, not me.
There once was an actor named Will
Who was punished for slapping, until
He thought “I’ll never be arrested
“If they knew I molested
“And trafficked minors for capitol hill!”
Today we gather to commemorate
A platform that we grew to hate,
Whose motto is “Give us a buck
“And we’ll distribute it to whoever the”
Instead of sending crooks to jail
What if we made them eat kale?
I think they’d say that I’m a hero
For the idea that reduced all crime to zero.
When a guy goes to prison
He calls up his wife
And says, “Though I’m in here
“For 15 to life
“I want you to hold off
“From having sex with other guys.”
His wife says “You too,”
Because she’s just that wise.
He was black, surrounded by brothers,
Unarmed and defenseless
When a white man came by
To perform something senseless:
The poor black was gutted
And served on a platter
With mediterranean food.
If you’re a burglar
And want to do something bad
To an ex-CIA agent
Turned middle-class dad
I think you ought to
‘Cause although you’ll get killed
Hollywood will tell your story
And teen boys will be thrilled.
People lose millions of dollars a day
To people with terrible grammar,
So I figured “Hey, I seem stupid sometimes
“So why shouldn’t I be a scammer?”
I sent out an email to millions of people
Saying “I could have stolen a stack
“But instead I abstained from stealing your money
“So to say thanks, could you send some back?”
That was on Monday and now it is Friday
And I’m not sure if scams like this work…
So now you’re aware of why criminals steal:
It’s ’cause you’re a miserly jerk!
I scouted out the diamond vault.
I broke in late at night.
I yoga’ed through the laser beams
And set the door alight.
I grabbed the bag of jewels
As the distant sirens screamed,
But as I made my exit
I forgot something, it seemed…
My velvet gloves were black as jet,
My goggles oversized.
My bicycle-powered plane was fast
But soon I realized
I’d left my top hat in the vault
As through the clouds I sailed.
Yes, I got away scot free
But, in my heart, I’d failed.
I didn’t learn much at public school
But I remember the important stuff
Like “Everything in the world is free
“If you can run fast enough.”