Tag Archives: Crime

Psychiatrists Might Call This “A Cry For Help”

There once was a homicidal maniac

Who like to hold poets hostage.

He may not understand rhyming

But as long as I keep writing

He won’t turn me into bolognese sauce…

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Careful Where You Hang Your Hat

Some friends and I were mucking about

The attic when we found

And old top hat with a label that

Said “This makes men dance around.”

So we rolled some snowballs up

And made a face of carrot and coal

And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap

And pretended he had a soul.

Alas, for us, the sun was hot

And dancers tend to sweat

So when the day had gone away

That magic hat was wet,

So we hung it by the fire

Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…

So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.

‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!

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Why Teaching Young Children How To Clean Their Noses Contributes To The Global Crime Epidemic

My nose was all sniffly;

‘Twas spring in the air.

Faster than you say “piffly”

My Kleenex weren’t there.

I went to the store

To pick up some tissue

But they had no more

And THAT was an issue.

So I grabbed my gun

And went off a raidin’

Until my nose’s run

Could be finished abatin’.

I knocked on a door

And they opened it. Fools!

I shrieked “Get on the floor!”

And I searched through their tools…

Screwdrivers, flashlight,

And nails to pound

But try as I might

There were no Kleenex found.

The cops were approaching

I could hear their siren

And I was encroaching

And expect they’d be firin’

So I took the out…

The only one I had:

I scrunched up my snout

And sniffed like my dad.

That day as the bullets

Riddled my body

I learned snot down the gullet

Is what cops think is naughty.

This family-friendly poem was inspired by my beautiful girlfriend and her nose. Blame her, not me.

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Assault? Blacklist Him! Sex Slavery? Let’s Let Him Slide Quietly Out Of The Public Eye (Yay Hollywood)

There once was an actor named Will

Who was punished for slapping, until

He thought “I’ll never be arrested

“If they knew I molested

“And trafficked minors for capitol hill!”

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This Poem Has An Unsatisfying Finish, Just Like GoFundMe

Today we gather to commemorate

A platform that we grew to hate,

Whose motto is “Give us a buck

“And we’ll distribute it to whoever the”

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Works On 5-Year-Olds, So…

Instead of sending crooks to jail

What if we made them eat kale?

I think they’d say that I’m a hero

For the idea that reduced all crime to zero.

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Even If Big Eddie Says “I’ll Snuggle You After”

When a guy goes to prison

He calls up his wife

And says, “Though I’m in here

“For 15 to life

“I want you to hold off

“From having sex with other guys.”

His wife says “You too,”

Because she’s just that wise.

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Pimento Control Now!

He was black, surrounded by brothers,

Unarmed and defenseless

When a white man came by

To perform something senseless:

The poor black was gutted

And served on a platter

With mediterranean food.

#BlackOlivesMatter

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Quit Selling Drugs And Make REAL Money

If you’re a burglar

And want to do something bad

To an ex-CIA agent

Turned middle-class dad

I think you ought to

‘Cause although you’ll get killed

Hollywood will tell your story

And teen boys will be thrilled.

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Crime Pays Everyone But Me

People lose millions of dollars a day

To people with terrible grammar,

So I figured “Hey, I seem stupid sometimes

“So why shouldn’t I be a scammer?”

I sent out an email to millions of people

Saying “I could have stolen a stack

“But instead I abstained from stealing your money

“So to say thanks, could you send some back?”

That was on Monday and now it is Friday

And I’m not sure if scams like this work…

So now you’re aware of why criminals steal:

It’s ’cause you’re a miserly jerk!

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