Give pause for a moment,
Stop your mind,
And take a moment to rewind.
Remember all the menu dated,
And that play you really hated.
Enter your own quiet place,
With volume down and quiet bass.
Make a resolution
To replay your past,
‘Cause this life goes forward fast.
Filed under Poems
I manage some apartments
And I like to play some cards,
But this week I became batman.
It wasn’t all that hard.
I started by evicting the tenant
In apartment twenty two, man.
She moved away with her twenty cats.
I’d kicked out the Cat Woman.
That very night some friends of mine
Came over to play some poker.
We had a deck of fifty three cards,
So I took out the joker.
What villain will I conquer next
At my apartment in central Maine?
We’ll see, but first I’ll shop a bit
Online at, yes… E-bayne.
Filed under Poems
“I’ve got a grand idea,”
Some terrible person said,
“Of how to extort bowlers
For an extra $2.50 a head.
“We’ll make them rent this tacky shoes
All red and green and orange
And just don’t mention anywhere
How many times they have been wornge.”
Well, that’s my rant in bowling shoes
Repeated here in whole.
The guy who thought up bowling shoes
Must not have had a sole.
Filed under Poems
If you share a room your are roommates.
Two witches, they are broom mates.
Two husbands might be groom mates,
And mass graves make for tomb mates.
Two buddies in Australia
Are just plain mates, it’s true.
But we don’t need those titles.
I just want to mate with you.
Filed under Poems
The trees turn gold,
The leaves turn orange.
A girl named Autumn
Walks through fields of cornge.
Her shoes are brown.
Her dress is silver.
She is planning a burglary.
She expects to pilfer.
She breaks into a farmhouse,
The queen of thieves.
She takes many treasures,
Then Autumn leaves.
Filed under Poems
Every now and agin,
When entertainment is thin,
We human beings get bored.
But why must it be
That if bored are we
We cannot have fun? Oh my lord!
For instance if you’ll
Be bored in a pool
That means you’re water board.
And if you find eating dull,
And your food brings a lull,
Then alternatively, you’re fodder bored.
If you’re bored with computers
And can’t define transmuters
Chances are you’re circuit board.
And if you want to have sex,
But you’re bored and depressed,
Go ahead and just furk it bored.
When you go on a sailboat
You’re boarding a ship.
When your date is boring
Just give them the slip.
If you’re on rollers or ice
You could be skate board,
And if you cannot be early,
Be late bored!
And finally if a lion
Who live out in Zion
Whose name is Ford, has roared,
Then it’s quite possible
That specific sort of dull
Is to be as lion Ford roared bored!
Filed under Poems
The patron saints are holy folk
Who represent a thing.
They really are some diverse blokes
Who don’t wear too much bling.
The patron saint of beggars
Is named Saint Nickeless.
The patron saint of guys without cucumbers
Is named Saint Pickeless.
The patron saint of sports cars
Is named, for some reason, Jen.
She drove her car into a tree
And saw how a Mercedes bends.
The patron Saint of mummies
Is bound to be uptight.
The patron Saint of lanterns
Went on a diet. Now he’s light.
The patron Saint of music
Threw a piano down a mine.
He found, at the bottom, A-flat minor.
The Saint of taxes thought it was fine.
But throughout time, the Patron Saint
Of unemployed cowboys hasn’t changed,
But I think he’s rather senile
‘Cause like his subjects, he’s deranged.
Now please excuse me readers,
This poem’s for the birds.
I think I’ll write a film adaptation.
It’ll be a play on words!
Filed under Poems
Fishing:
Many of us have done it.
Wishing:
That we would catch something.
Hishing:
Like a snake when we didn’t.
Fishing:
I’ve come up with the solution.
Fishing:
We use bait fish like to eat.
Swishing:
Through the water before them.
Dishing:
Out food, but that’s not what fish want.
Fishing:
I’ve got a solution.
Fishing needs a bait that is better,
Fishing needs bait that will make fish get wetter
And want, with their young lustful fishy young hearts.
It’s a bait for the masters, and it comes from my heart:
Master bait!
Quality in the palm of your hand!
Master bait!
When you’re bored go to the lake and
Master Bait!
You can do it in the light and the dark
And in terms of baseball
You can whack it out of the park!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 