Tag Archives: Terrible

The Problem With Seeing Eye Dogs

My puppy seemed a little lax

So I whipped out his leash and snacks

And hooked him up and took a run

Down past Forever 21.

The air was crisp with breaking dawn.

We passed some neighbors looking on

And heads came out of every door

To see my puppy, lax no more.

We passed the diner and laundromat.

We passed gas stations (and giggled at that).

We jogged the park and strolled the street

To get my pup to pickup his feet.

I took my puppy for a walk

Around and round a city block

And all the while people said

“You’re sick, you freak! Your dog is dead!”

But we got home all safe and sound

And I unleashed my weary hound

And scratched good boy behind his ears

And then he napped for 15 years.

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Jews In Mississippi

He showed us how to circumcise a redneck

In a way that none of us had done foresaw:

He found aforementioned redneck in his bedroom

Then kicked the redneck’s cousin in the jaw!

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I Respect These Hypothetical Natives

Somewhere where the roaring wind

Can give the snow a gentle lift

A solitary wolf begins

To sing the music of Taylor Swift.

And the natives nearby lie awake

Roused by the song from their nap

And pray the wind will roar even louder

To drown out the wolf ’cause who needs that crap?

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The “Happy And You Know It” Verse That Got Me Fired

If you need special education

And can’t digest information,

If you need special education

Thump your chest!

(Thump thump thump thump…)

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I Like Trees More Anyway

Today is the day

The trees come inside

And the children go out

In the ice and the snow.*

Why we bring in trees

Is a mystery to me

And why we take back the kids

I don’t rightfully know.

*If you looked at this asterisk

You may not be from Minnesota

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No Circum Love?

Judging by response

Of yesterdays rhyming junk

You folks not fans of grammar.

This poem be good then, so me did thunk.

Us will judge by them responses

Whether stuff like this be fine.

And if you dont not dislike it

Please feel free to whine.

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The Guy On Your International Flight

Open, gaping maw

Swallowing my will to live.

When will you shut up?

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This Bugs Me

A solid block of milk

Hits a grown up caterpillar

Who bursts into tears.

The butter flies,

The moth bawls.

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Energizer Bunnies

You ever seen one of those

Human-sized dolls

For guys who want lovin’

But don’t have the balls?

I really hope they’re electric.

That’s what I’ve concluded,

‘Cause what other double-D’s

Are “batteries not included?”

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The Comedian

As loud as deaf people screaming

And mute people speaking their minds

In a concert hall ‘fore the music begins

While the mimes work their daily grinds.
And there I stand in the front of it

With a microphone in my hand.

I thought my jokes had been funny.

That’s the last time up-that-I-stand.

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