Tag Archives: Puns

Saving At The Pump

I met a lady buying gas

Who said her name was Penny.

There were ladies prettier,

But surely not too many.

As she was about to finish

Putting gas into her car

I saw her pull a lighter out

To ignite a cigar.

I rushed over and tackled her

Before the fire could start.

I explained why such a plan

Was neither safe nor smart.

I wish I could say that she

Would one day be my wife

Because I had wits quick enough

To save my Penny’s life…

But alas, the very next day

I wasn’t there, and she burned.

At least her cremation was free;

A Penny saved, a Penny urned.

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Oooh Yeah… Daddy Sauron Is Goblin Me Up…

I some some little known facts

About some popular things,

Like how in the very first draft

Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”

Mount Doom was not a volcano

But instead a magnificent gorge

In which Sauron demanded

His orcs run a magical forge.

Luckily, one clever editor

Got to give his final say:

“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘

“Could be said in a most awkward way.”

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Love and War

Whenever Italy gets attacked

Someone must fell Rome,

Someone conquers Cicily,

Burns a Venetian home…

Yes, in an Italian conquest

These sackings are the staples

But a satisfying extra

Is somebody licked their Naples.

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It’s A Joke About Thyme, But Alas, It Won’t Rhyme

There once was a guy from Scarborough

Who was fair, but not very thorough.

He made food, garnished sparsely

With sage, rosemary, and parsley

But alas, he didn’t take time enough.

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Watch Out

There once was a clock on a wrist

That one day became rather pissed.

It said “Time isn’t real,

“So how does that feel?”

Now it is for sale on Craigslist.

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The Birds and the Seas

If you are a whale

Your parents probably sing

About how to safely do

The reproduction thing.

If you are a shark instead

The learning that’s essential

Is that some biting might be fun

As long as you are gentle.

If you’re in a school of fish

You’ll probably be fine

Unless you can puke out your guts

And your skin is covered in spines

Because if you’re the sea cucumber

It is my belief

You’re in a bit of danger

When teenage whales need relief…

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The Same Logic Applies To “Housewife,” “Life Partner,” and “Money”

I am a homeless student

Who’s unemployed so, knock on wood,

I won’t have any homework

So I guess my life is good.

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Beauty Without Photoshop

Willow, willow, don’t you weep.

Just calm upon the Earth sit.

Your loveliness has but one name:

Arb’oreal: Because you’re worth it.

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Proof That Cutting Your Dick Off Is Heroic

When a guy decides he’d rather be female

And undergoes surgery, then

I think they become the most powerful mutants

Because, after all, they’re ex-men.

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Why Animals Are Better Naked

In the beginning

When Adam and Eve

Decided to hide

Their groins with some leaves

A great cat of Eden

Chose to enhance

Its modest appearance

By wearing some pants.

Were he a cheetah,

A leopard or lion

Their would be no problem

And all would be fine.

Alas, ’twas a puma

Who chose to get dressed

And he said “I puma pants”

And was teased ’til depressed.

And so he went naked

And other beasts did the same

Until that one girl

And the dog-sweaters came…

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