Tag Archives: Puns

Get It? Like Fairy… Where Are You Going?

I know a guy who never buys anything

Unless he can find it on sale.

I know another who loves unicorns;

They’re both into fair retails.

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Race War, The Board Game

Every time you set up a game

Of chess and take a pawn

You’ve created a token minority.

That’s all for tonight… moving on…

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And What Did They Say About Dinero?

And herbivore eats herbs

And a carnivore eats meat

And an omnivore eats everything

Which I think’s really neat.

I don’t have a lot of money

And traveling in Spain was I

And somebody said “Por favor”

And now I’m just waiting to die.

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The Sons Of Reuben Were All Prophets?

I think that Jesus didn’t have children

Because if he had children then

He’d make them sandwiches, but they’d complain

“Daaad… pastrami and rise again?”

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On the other hand, Moses was famous

For his sandwiches. That’s what I hear.

In fact, back in Egypt I heard he was voted

The Nigev desert’s manna the year.

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When Life Gives You

Steve the alligator

Looked at the lemon rind

That, squeezed out and discarded,

In the swamp he did find.

The lemon said “Life gave me

“And thus did I die,

“So I warn you dear gator

“That your time is nigh.”

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Yeah, The Secret Paedophile Lizards Have Gone Too Far Now…

I needed some lubrication

(Not for that, you dirty cad!)

So I went to the supermarket

To see what types they had.

They had oil made from olives,

Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,

And ingredients I can’t pronounce

Even if I tried for hours.

But then I saw a product

That set my blood a boil:

Somebody was selling there

A jar of baby oil!

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All True, But It Should Have Ended Eight Lines Sooner

If you put yogurt into a tube

It changes its name to Gogurt.

If you put yogurt into a friendship

It changes its name to brogurt.

If you plant yogurt deep in the forest

Someday it just might growgurt.

If you give it high heels and make it dance

You could say its a showgurt.

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Carols In Da Hood

Today as I was driving

Through the downtown Detroit snow

I heard such lovely music as

“Oh Nightly Hoe,”

“Blew Christmas,” “Slay Ride,”

“Santa Baby-Daddy,” “Little Saint’s Dick,”

“White Privilege Christmas”

And “Look Who I Got With The Ice Pick.”

I would have felt unsafe but I

Was with someone known well:

My inner-city Christmas buddy

Da’First No’El.

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Shocking, But More Power To Him, Even Though He Misspelled It (Inspired By Current Events)

My buddy made a statement

That I didn’t really hear

So I looked at him and asked

“Volt times ampere?”

Apparently that wasn’t

The response for which he’d planned,

Thus he retorted “What?”

And I said “I’m shocked you understand!”

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Taaaake… Me To The Ri. Vuh… (Drop me in the wa. Tuh…) But An Octave Lower

The guys who, in the ‘90s,

Made the singing Big Mouth Bass

Will be long renowned by history

For redefining “urban class.”

Alas, they could have changed music

Had they thought ahead so far

As to make an instrument

They called the “bass guitar.”

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