Tag Archives: Puns

Betting On A Diamond

You couldn’t love a gambling man,

A pal who plays the odds,

Who shakes the dice and throws a wrench

In the plans of man and Gods.

You said you’d never take a chance

On a poker-faced son

But I’d bet if you took a chance

You’d find me pretty fun.

You used to ace your math exams.

You were the queen of school

But the odds weren’t in your favor

With Jack, the king of cool.

Jack would have told you “yes, of course”

If you asked him to dance

But no-go there! You didn’t dare

To take this simple chance.

So Jack’s bad luck’s my inside straight

So let me take the shot:

If you give me your hand of fate

You may just win a lot.

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English Joke Because I Have To Get Up At 5:00 Tomorrow

Joe said “I have will gone to the pier.”

Bo said “It just got two tense in here.”

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Get It? Cause One’s Glad And One’s… Oh, Nevermind

Some people were happy to fight

In the colosseum’s spotlight.

They were called gladiators, it’s said.

Some of them had freakin’ laser beams

And were greeted by all the young ladies’ screams;

They were called Rad-iators instead.

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The Woke Agenda’s Fatal Flaw

One of the problems with globalism

Is that some Scandinavian guy named Anders

Is going to meet a muslim guy named Salaam

And a third party will greet them both

By shouting “Salaam, Anders!”

And some guy terrified of reptiles

Will sue for emotional damages.

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Tyranny Bugs Me

There they were, two armies,

One in black and one in red

Swarming from their anthill

Knowing one must soon be dead.

One was sponsored by Les Schwab Tires,

The other by Steve’s Work Pants.

One army shouted “We will be victorious!”

The other screamed “Death to tire ants!”

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Maybe “Reckless” Is The Wrong Word…?

I went to a gathering of people

Who like to drink and drive,

Pull quickly into traffic…

On recklessness they thrive.

They’re the reason we have accidents

And I almost forgot to mention

That there were lots of nerds there.

It was a start wreck convention!

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Paper And Scissors Can’t Top This

I exercised my glutes until they were hard as rock.

I entered a hardass contest and thought I was a lock.

I flex my bum! The judges gasp! I’m certain that I’ve got ‘em!

But even though my butt won first, I’d really hit rock bottom.

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Now You Know Why DeerDon’t Use iPhones

There once was a buck from Melrose

Who smelled something sweet with his nose.

His friends said “That crap’ll

“Most oft be an apple.

“Forget it. Let’s go out and win does.”

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That Went Whale…

There once was a lovely young seal

Who captured my sea-mammal heart.

She had an adorable squeal

That made all my fantasies start.

I asked her to go for a drink with me

At a hip new place called “Chez Rubbing”.

But I scared her away. I’d forgotten

That seal babes aren’t fans of clubbing.

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It Pairs Well With Ghoulash

There once were some zombies from Crete

Who hungered for sentient meat.

They sat and moaned “braaains”

‘Til a skeleton came

With some brains and said “Bone appetite.”

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