Have you ever met a person
Who’s perfect in every way,
Who understands your troubles
And makes them go away,
Whose smile dries your tears
And whose laughter steals your heart
And, even though you’re all grown up,
Lets you ride in the shopping cart,
Is friendly as a puppy,
And wiser than a book,
A phenomenal bass player
And an established gourmet cook,
And’s not the slightest bit pretentious
But humble and adoring,
Has beauty and personality
And never gets boring?
Filed under Poems
I’ve never conquered evil
But I’ve beaten “pretty bad.”
I haven’t done the impossible
But I’ve done what no one had.
My heroic feats are little more
Than a big, unwelcome task,
So I don’t deserve a novel,
But is a pamphlet too much to ask?
Filed under Poems
Pillowcase, pillowcase
You’ve served me for years.
You’ve covered my pillow
And captured my tears.
Pillowcase, pillowcase
You’ve tousled my hair
And prevented my pillow
From much wear and tear.
Pillowcase, pillowcase
On you I have laid.
My only question now
Is how were you made?
Filed under Poems
The Queen of Clubs
And the Queen of Spades
Chatted as they
Put their hair in braids.
“How come,” they asked
“Aren’t we diamonds or hearts?
We represent tools
And bludgeoning parts.”
“I’m not unhappy,”
Said the queen of clubs.
“I represent parties,
And bars and pubs.”
But the Queen of Spades
Was not amused.
“For what good
Am I ever used?
“In a game of hearts I’m worth
All the other hearts combined.
I’m an old, dark-haired lady,”
The Queen of Spades whined.
Then in walked Jack Spade
Gazing with his one eye,
And when put in perspective
Everything felt alrigh’
Filed under Poems
I dreamt of cauldrons
That bubble and trash
Full of hideous mixtures
Of fear, hope, and trash,
Of test tube babies
And nightmares on tap,
And of disembodied brains
And all that other Matrix crap.
But as I awake
My heart fills with sorrow.
I’ve seen none of these things
And the final’s tomorrow.
Filed under Poems
There once was a poet named Jim Rick
Who never could finish a limerick.
He put his mind to it
But every time blew it.
Filed under Poems
A child once asked
What the word “adult” means.
I answered “It’s someone
Grown out of their teens.”
“So just like a grown up!”
The kid clarified,
And I felt my innards
Knotting up inside
For I knew that tiny figure
Holding onto his sippy cup
Would be forced to discover
Most adults never grow up.
Filed under Poems
I visited a farm
When I was a Sophomore
Where I met a cow named Landeskog,
The only Swedish cow I’d seen before.
Later, when I was eating lunch,
A pack of mac and cheese,
Landeskog started crying
Right on my macaronis.
So all the tedious lead up
That has been this vignetti
Is to tell you of the time I had
Swedish meat bawl on my spaghetti.
Filed under Poems
How are you?
What’s up? What’s new?
We ask these all the time.
But though we answer,
Whether we got a raise or cancer ,
With just the words “I’m fine.”
“I’m fine” is a lie
Perpetuated by
Unwillingness to share your feelings.
It’s a cop out at best
To a ritual test
And it should be shunned from further dealings.
Instead of “I’m fine,”
Try out a line
Like “Fabulous, splendid, or grand.”
If your status is bad,
Like those days we’ve all had
Try “Indifferent, unhappy, or bland.”
There are so many descriptors
With so few prescriptors.
(I don’t know if prescriptor’s a word).
So if honesty’s sought,
Give this a shot.
If you don’t, please know I have grr-ed.
Filed under Poems
It is not my intention
To be this great.
Good luck and good looks
Are simply my fate.
I did not choose
To have Two-hundred IQ,
To be flawless in bed,
To have eyes so blue.
It’s not my fault
I’ve never made a fumble,
So can’t you forgive me
That I’m just not that humble?
The Daily Travesty 