One day I’ll wake in the morning
And look to the sky in the East
And see the sunrise with my well rested eyes
Before cooking a bacony feast.
One day I’ll go for a run
For a mile, or maybe for ten
Then go on a date with my lovely soulmate
And laugh ‘til the sun sets again.
One day my dreams may be real
But I pray it does not come to that
‘Cause today I slept in and wore naught but my skin
And drank egg nog and snuggled a cat.
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It would be nice if living were easy.
A life without pain would be grand!
Imagine that life, so sweet and delightful,
Where nothing is worthless or bland.!
I think of that life, where perfect is doable
Then I awake with a start
And go face a day that is average and gray
But hold the dream close in my heart.
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I’m not afraid to make it known
I want this more than you.
I want to find a partner
Who is loyal, kind, and true.
I only want to have one talk,
A talk that never ends,
And to be more than lovers:
To be two forever friends.
I want you to have my kids,
To raise, protect, and feed.
I want to be your every want
And fill your every need.
I want to text you memes at night,
House hunt with you on Zillow,
And when we are a world apart
To smell you on my pillow.
Tonight and every night from now
I’ll wish upon a star
And ask whatever gods may be
To show me who you are.
Until the stars or gods or fate
Fulfill this wish of mine
I’ll work to be the man you want
To call “Forever Mine.”
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When the day is over
And the lights go dark
You pull me on top of you
And let me be soft,
Let me keep you warm
Until blindness is comfortable
And dreams are safe.
When the monsters come
To feed on your sweet dreams
Through the leg you left uncovered
I offer my dream instead,
Because your dreams are precious,
Your dreams are limited,
Your dreams are fragile.
I only have one dream:
To keep you warm,
To keep you safe,
To never leave you,
And no monster can stomach that.
And when the light in the sky
And the light on your ceiling
Edge away the darkness
And welcome you back to life
I’m the first thing you feel,
The first gentle touch,
The first good morning kiss.
You think you’ll outgrow me.
You’ll pack me away
Or send me to another child,
But I only have one baby.
And when the monsters grow up
And they come for your dreams
But you’re awake and alone
You will never be uncovered.
The monsters never give up,
But I never stop dreaming,
And I hope you don’t either.
I’m here in everything.
I’m keeping you safe,
But you’ll never see me
As anything more than a blanket
Because it’s easy to believe in a blanket.
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Come all ye round and sit ye down
And hear me lonesome tune
About a man who dreamed to show
The whole wide world the moon.
He dreamt of walking round in space
And that breathtaking view
And yet alas, a dream of NASA
Never could come true.
For this here lad of whom we sing
Was born without a feature
Incurable by brilliant minds
Or the nation’s finest teacher.
The man, who’s name we shall not say
For fear what he might do
Was born with only one buttock…
Just half the normal two!
Now don’t ye mock the man who had
That single wondrous cheek,
The sight of which could shush a bitch
And make her knees grow weak.
Oh yes, the ladies stopped and stared
And many more went mute
When they’d walk by the halfass guy
And his one glorious glute.
Alas, with but a half a butt
The fellow couldn’t run,
And so he’d sit and tan a bit
In rain or sleet or sun,
Leaving all a full display
The privilege of his birth:
And in the night the moon so bright
Shone on the moon of Earth.
Now in the water by the beach
Whereon our hero tanned
There lived a mermaid of the sea
With hair like golden sand
Who also wore no clothes to hide
Her modesty from view,
And soon she fell in love, for she
Had just one buttock too.
She sang a song of ocean life:
How living in the sea
Was not unlike the moon in that
It lacked most gravity.
She beckoned him to join her in
A land both wet and wild
To share a life of happiness
With many a one-cheek child.
Our hero was quite skeptical,
For of the girls he knew.
Could a lass with half an ass surpass
A lass whose ass had two?
And more important in his mind
Was if he could adjust
To a woman who, as all could view,
Had also but one bust?
Yet as she sang, way up and down
Did heave that single breast
And with such grace his dream of space
Was soon but second best.
And so they left the land alone,
No longer to breath air.
And thus one perfect buttock was
Half of a perfect pair.
There are a lot of things
That you will never be:
You’ll never be an airplane
Or a cup of Earl Grey tea.
You’ll never be a unicorn
Or a tube of chili paste
Or a fan of Hip-Hop music
Who has impeccable taste.
You’ll never be a lantern
Or a humble guy from Yale,
But thanks to human effort
You may just become a whale.
She was a girl too much alive for breathing,
Not more than an imaginary friend.
She met a man resentful of existence
For not obeying his command to bend.
She traded skins one hour in an evening
To walk among the mortals so beneath her
While the uncreative man whose shell she conquered
Took a stroll among the heavens, robed in ether.
The woman learned the pain of being solid
And how the road at night can smell of pine.
The man learned how to be imaginary
And why a drop of sunlight chose to shine.
And when the 60 minutes finished ticking
On a clock men made to solve the question, “when?”
The woman disappeared again forever
And the man awoke to be himself again.
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When I am too old to dream,
My mouth too old to smile,
I’ll place my hand upon the land
And feel the Earth a while.
Upon my skin, too loose to shape,
I’ll feel the critters crawl,
Relearning birth through mother Earth
And joy in being small.
I’ll feel the weeds begin to grow
O’er feet too slow to flee
And feel at peace as I release
What I mistook as me.
I’ll look upon my old abode
With eyes I’ve never known,
Then look on all that dared to crawl
And all that’s ever flown,
To use the sight I once ignored
Or else dismissed in haste
And understand ’twas not my hand
On which the insects paced,
‘Twas not my flesh I left behind,
‘Twas not my body gone,
But merely tools to comfort fools
Before their moving on.
When I am both too old to dream
And old enough to go
I’ll make my lair in everywhere
Until you say hello.
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One day I asked the clouds to dance
And one replied, “Okay.”
It gave a hand of soft white rain
And lifted me away.
We spun and twirled together
To the songs of wind and sun.
Our only rhythm: happiness,
Our only purpose: fun.
I danced next with a hurricane,
A cloud made of the sea.
Throughout the dance, it’s center part
Had eyes only for me.
I danced among the lightning bolts,
With stars and endless dark,
Then I threw up the mushrooms
That I found in Central Park.
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They hosted a party
On the banks of the Styx
For the vice-presidents
And the second-round picks,
The guys who won silver,
Who went out with a flicker,
And all the cheerleaders
Who dated the kicker.
They hosted a party
For the closely defeated
To celebrate those
Who quite nearly succeeded.
I was invited
But stayed home instead
‘Cause I hadn’t stopped trying
And wasn’t yet dead.
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The Daily Travesty 