A resurrected hero
From a bygone age
Walked into a bar.
He killed rats in the basement
And looted their bodies,
But that’s all I’ve played so far.
Do you want to be a wizard,
A chef or a vampire?
Do you want to train a monster
Or have power over fire?
Do you want to be a warrior
Who fights an evil horde?
Or maybe it’s that normal school
Just leaves you feeling bored.
If you want to read your family’s minds
Or own a talking cat,
Chances are, in animé,
There’s a school for that.
Filed under Poems
I’d only just been conceived
When, as an adult, I found
I was in a prison, filled with rats
So deep and underground.
I was modestly unclothed,
Armed with club and knife,
And destined by narrative necessity
To live an extraordinary life.
The rats were slain,
I leveled up,
Taking my first sip
Of combat’s cup,
And the rest, they say
Is history.
So it is in every
RPG.
Filed under Poems
Well I live down in Texas ’cause I just can’t take
That California heat.
I go honky tonkin’ on Saturday night
With my two left feet.
My dog died last Tuesday, but I don’t mind,
I’ve got used to it.
And when it comes to tanning evenly, I had a chance
And I totally blew it!
I don’t say the F-bomb, I only say “Truck.”
I fish on the weekends and hunt for duck.
I like to ride horses, and stables I muck,
And if you don’t like women, then country songs suck.
Well this is the part in the song where I
Talk about a girl.
She’s generally half-dressed and wearin’ jewelry
Made out of mother-o’-pearl.
This is a bit of topic, but isn’t the mother of pearl
Just an oyster?
And while I sing about Jesus, I don’t sing about nuns
Or about their cloister.
I don’t say the F-bomb, I only say “Truck.”
I fish on the weekends and hunt for duck.
I like to ride horses, and stables I muck,
And if you don’t like women, then country songs suck.
Someone died of cancer,
Someone cheated on their man.
Someone rode on a choo-choo train
And ate food from a can.
I think I’m running out of
Half-decent cliches,
So Let’s sing the chorus one more time
Then we’ll go our separate ways!
I don’t say the F-bomb, I only say “Truck.”
I fish on the weekends and hunt for duck.
I like to ride horses, and stables I muck,
And if you don’t like women, then country songs suck.
Filed under Lyrics