Tag Archives: RPG

RPGs Were His Life…Literally 

As the lightning cracked in the purple sky

And the cameras panned over my birth

My parents knew I was the guy

Who’d be destined to save the Earth.

So I was raised in the classic way
Of being a normal happy kid

Until, inevitably, bandits razed my town

Which, as expected, they inevitably did.

And so from the ashes a guardian rose

And took me to a school of hard knocks

Where I learned to be destiny’s hero

By killing rats with sticks and rocks.

And after cutscenes which showed me grow
I left the school to see the land.

My life’s tutorial now finished

My destiny could proceed as planned.

I started out slaying vermin,

Albeit on a grander scale.

I found gold left unclaimed on the ground

And used it to buy weapons and mail.

I learned to cast spells and fire a bow,

Though I never really did

Because the way to do so was complicated

And my life was controlled by a kid.

Eventually I was betrayed

And someone who I thought had died

Turned out to be the major villain

Who led the guys on the other side.

What should have been climactic

Turned quickly to a rout

Because somewhere I read a walkthrough

And I did what it talked about.

And so the banners fly again

And peasants chant my name.

I’m made the king of everything

But otherwise life’s the same.

My normal life took fifteen hours

Before I was the love of every bard,

But now my achievements dissapear

As fate clicks “new game, difficulty: hard.”

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Life Is Better As An Illiterate Monstrous Subrace Online

I was born into a social contract.

I didn’t choose it for myself.

It says that I must obey laws

And I can never be an elf.

It includes some pretty lousy clauses

Like “you cannot gramatically refer to yourself in the first person as ‘me'”

And “poems should have meter.”

That’s why I quit to play an RPG.

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Good Advice From Video Games

Do you feel worthless,

Hateful and depressed?

Does even going to sleep

Make you feel stressed?

Do you ever think of ending

Your life, which turned out shoddy?

If you do, let someone know

So they can loot your body.

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The Laziest D&D Player

Perhaps it was lack of intelligence,
Or a lack of wisdom instead
But I’d not the will or constitution
To get out of my bed.

So I stayed in the tavern
While the party went to fight.
But I felt justified
When they did not return that night.

So I practiced my diplomacy
In preparation for
The next adventure party
To come through the tavern door.

Thus is my sovereign duty
In a game so very hard,
For I cannot change my choice
To play a halfling bard.

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Tyrants and Taxes (T&T)

America’s founding fathers
Were some level 20 rogues
Playing games of protestation,
Dressed in breaches, wigs, and brogues.

They tossed their tea leaves in the bay
When the stamp act was in place,
And they kicked the redcoats’ butts
(Though the French kicked them in the face).

And so the revolution
Was a critical success,
And thanks to Washington et al
We can choose how we want to dress.

So tonight go watch some fireworks,
Pyrotechnics in the sky,
And give thanks for this nation
That educated I.

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American RPGs

I’d only just been conceived
When, as an adult, I found
I was in a prison, filled with rats
So deep and underground.

I was modestly unclothed,
Armed with club and knife,
And destined by narrative necessity
To live an extraordinary life.

The rats were slain,
I leveled up,
Taking my first sip
Of combat’s cup,

And the rest, they say
Is history.
So it is in every
RPG.

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