Tag Archives: Music

May 30, 2018 · 12:43 pm

One More Time (Anatomy Of Pop)

I met you, romantic prospect,

At a facility frequented by listeners of this genre.

It was unrealistically perfect

To look upon ya.

Then I sang about nothing!

Then I sang the same nothing!

Then the same nothing again

One more time!

I mentioned your physical appearance

But also a personal detail

To convince listeners of this genre

That you, romantic prospect, are real.

Then I sang about nothing!

Then the exact same nothing!

Then a slightly lengthened version of the same nothing

(With backup singers)

One more time!

Then I sang again about nothing!

(Because choruses, yo)

Then again about nothing!

(Because choruses bro)

One more time about nothing!

(Yay radio…)

One more time!

Fade and repeat ad infinitum…

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May 4, 2018 · 7:25 am

The Placelandian National Anthem

Placelandia! We celebrate

The nation that is not a state,

The place where politicians come to die!

Where residents have common sense

And our plan for national defense

Is not to be a dick to folks nearby.

Placelandia! We celebrate

Our lack (so far) of Watergate

Or other nasty scandals of that kind.

Where citizens think differently

And something backs our currency;

A country built with happiness in mind.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

A nation that can safely be ignored.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

Where drama-seeking tourists will be bored.

Placelandia! We celebrate

That here nice guys can get a date

And nobody is told they must comply.

Where everybody owns a Glock

And Fox exec Rupert Murdoch

Would not have had to cancel Firefly.

Placelandia! We celebrate

A place mostly devoid of hate,

Where legs just shave themselves if given time.

We hope you have enjoyed this song

And pop stars didn’t sing too long

Before the very easy ending rhyme.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

It’s a pretty snazzy kinda joint.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

Okay, okay, okay! We get the point!

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April 25, 2018 · 10:44 am

The Best Classical Music Parody You Have To Sing Yourself (Guaranteed Orgasm In 45 Seconds)

People say that music

Is the worst it’s ever been.

I disagree because of one song

Written by Herr Beethoven.

If you take his fifth symphony

(That goes Da-da-da duuuuuuuh)

And simply give it the lyrics

“Oh baby yeah, oh baby uhhh!”

It becomes a pop hit

To match the best today.

Here’s a link to prove it.

You’re welcome, by the way.

Helpful hint: Just sing those two lyrics with the melody for about twenty seconds and you’ll get the intended effect.

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April 7, 2018 · 5:28 pm

I Respect These Hypothetical Natives

Somewhere where the roaring wind

Can give the snow a gentle lift

A solitary wolf begins

To sing the music of Taylor Swift.

And the natives nearby lie awake

Roused by the song from their nap

And pray the wind will roar even louder

To drown out the wolf ’cause who needs that crap?

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April 4, 2018 · 12:15 pm

Death Metal Groupies

Just because your singing voice

Sounds like Jabba the Hutt

Imitating Bryan Adams

Gargling a cigarette butt

Run in slow-motion backwards

Mixed with satanic chants

And is voted less favorably

Than being bitten by ants

Doesn’t mean I don’t want to

Get into your pants.

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March 30, 2018 · 9:58 am

A Hollywood Musical

Hollywood!

(It’s so darn good)

Oh yes, oh yes, I say.

Hollywood!

(Land of falsehood)

Oh yes, oh yes.

Where what’s important aren’t the facts unless they fit into three acts.

The place where fiction goes to diiiiiieeeeeeee!

Where it’s okay to have no story. CGI can bring you glory.

So can manly men who cryyyyyyyyyyyy!

Hollywood!

(Our favorite wood)

Oh yes, oh yes.

They’ve done all they could

(More than they should)

Oh yes, oh yes,

To guarantee that you and me will pay hard-earned money to see

A bunch of actors green-screen flyyyyyyy!

Where shirtless six-packed men are common working at Starbucks, eating ramen

Hoping to be a leading guuuyyyyyyyyyy!

You can’t stop Hollywood!

(Long has it stood!)

Oh no, oh not Hollywood!

(What else rhymes with “wood?”)

Nothing I guess…

And if you’ve ever read the book at adaptations do not look

Because you know they’ll only break your heart in twooooooooooo!

And if derivative plotlines can’t send those shivers up your spines

Well, don’t expect the Fox execs to say boo hoooooooooooo!

They gave you big robotic brawlers

And already have your dollars

So why not make Skywalker say “screw yoooouuuuuuuuu?

So if you’re inclined to feel

You don’t want to keep it real

Then come to Hoooooooo

Llllyyyyyyyyyyyy

Woooooooooooooood….

(Dramatic pause)

Toooooooooooooooooo

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

(Olay!)

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March 16, 2018 · 11:24 am

There’s Something To Be Said For Incomprehensible Lyrics

Her eyes are blue and cloudless

Like the first bright day of Spring,

Crinkled in the corners

As she laughs and starts to sing.

“I want to kill your baby,”

She gently coos to me.

“I want to eat an infant’s flesh

“With a cup of earl grey tea.”

And I look into her gentle face

As placid as a dream

And suddenly I don’t mind as much

When heavy metal singers scream.

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