Tag Archives: Video Games

We’ve Come A Long Way Since “Pong”

“Hey Mr. Producer Guy,

I’ve got a game idea

Where two people survive the apocalypse.”

“Sure, Mr. designer guy,

But instead of death and zombies

Make the focus on blooming relationships.”

“Great idea, but what if

Instead of playing through the game

Players watched long, scripted movies of themselves?”

“And what about having

Unskippable gay sex missions?

It’ll fly right off the shelves!”

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RPGs Were His Life…Literally 

As the lightning cracked in the purple sky

And the cameras panned over my birth

My parents knew I was the guy

Who’d be destined to save the Earth.

So I was raised in the classic way
Of being a normal happy kid

Until, inevitably, bandits razed my town

Which, as expected, they inevitably did.

And so from the ashes a guardian rose

And took me to a school of hard knocks

Where I learned to be destiny’s hero

By killing rats with sticks and rocks.

And after cutscenes which showed me grow
I left the school to see the land.

My life’s tutorial now finished

My destiny could proceed as planned.

I started out slaying vermin,

Albeit on a grander scale.

I found gold left unclaimed on the ground

And used it to buy weapons and mail.

I learned to cast spells and fire a bow,

Though I never really did

Because the way to do so was complicated

And my life was controlled by a kid.

Eventually I was betrayed

And someone who I thought had died

Turned out to be the major villain

Who led the guys on the other side.

What should have been climactic

Turned quickly to a rout

Because somewhere I read a walkthrough

And I did what it talked about.

And so the banners fly again

And peasants chant my name.

I’m made the king of everything

But otherwise life’s the same.

My normal life took fifteen hours

Before I was the love of every bard,

But now my achievements dissapear

As fate clicks “new game, difficulty: hard.”

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And It Was Glorious!

You’ve got Candy Crush,

Farmville, Minecraft,

Plants vs. Zombies,

And the TV show “Shaft.”

You’ve got Halo 1-6

And Super Smash Bros Brawl.

As a lad, all I had

Was Space Cadet Pinball.

  

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My (Virtual) Life Is A Joke

A resurrected hero

From a bygone age

Walked into a bar.

He killed rats in the basement

And looted their bodies,

But that’s all I’ve played so far.

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Love in the Time of Gigabytes

I wish that we were pixels

Brought to life by LED.

I wish that ones and zeroes

Were all there was to you and me.

I wish we could reload our save

Whenever we had a fight,

But instead we’ve got reality

To see us through the night.

Our lives would sure be simpler

If the internet had a guide

To tell us what we need to share

And what we need to hide.

We’d get along much better

If you could simply pay

To get extra relationship points…

Oh wait, that’s Valentine’s Day…

I wish that we were perfect.

If I could make it so, I would.

I’m not perfect, nor are you,

But I’m content with good.

Yes, life would be simpler

As little dots of light,

But instead we’ve got reality

And with you, that’s quite alright.

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Don’t Press “A,” Don’t Press… Oops

I think that just before we’re born

We make like a video game;

We design our skills and appearances

And even pick our name.
I have evidence for my theory,

And you are my best case

‘Cause your fingers tend to slip a lot

And, well, look at your face!

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American RPGs

I’d only just been conceived
When, as an adult, I found
I was in a prison, filled with rats
So deep and underground.

I was modestly unclothed,
Armed with club and knife,
And destined by narrative necessity
To live an extraordinary life.

The rats were slain,
I leveled up,
Taking my first sip
Of combat’s cup,

And the rest, they say
Is history.
So it is in every
RPG.

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