Tag Archives: Magic

Somewhere, 1.923% Of My Readers Just Pooped Themselves (The Other 98.077 Need To Reevaluate Their Fetishes)

Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.

Pick a random card and write it down.

Then think of the number of letters

In the name of your favorite town…

If you subtract the number you thought of

From how often you think of French maids

You’ll find that the card you have written

Is in fact the seven of spades.

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Wizard, Meet Rogue

He said he had a magic trick

That always would impress.

He told me to pick any card

So I picked his American Express.

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I Stole These Jokes And Made Them Rhyme… You’re Welcome

A Mexican magician

Was the epitome of grace.

He would count “uno, dos,”

Then disappear without a tres.

He did this trick in Europe.

When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”

Then he asked “can you see me now?”

And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.” 

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Credibility?

I saw an ad for a psychiatrist.

His reviews said “he’s magnificent.”

I needed a psychiatrist

And so to his place I went.

I told him how my father

Left my mother when I was young,

How I suffered from a crippling fear

Of swallowing my tongue,

Of how I had anxiety,

Social and miscellaneous,

And until now had found talking

About my feelings to be extraneous.

The magnificent psychiatrist 

Listened closely to my fear,

Then he said “I’ve found the problem…

“It’s this coin behind your ear.”

And as he drew a quarter

From where my lobe and auricle met

His other hand gave me a bill

And the shrink said “you’re all set.”

I left his office happier…

That I can say for sure.

I can also say with certainty

I won’t be using Yelp no more.

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And I Bet They Have Cute Uniforms There

Do you want to be a wizard,

A chef or a vampire?

Do you want to train a monster

Or have power over fire?

Do you want to be a warrior

Who fights an evil horde?

Or maybe it’s that normal school

Just leaves you feeling bored.

If you want to read your family’s minds

Or own a talking cat,

Chances are, in animé,

There’s a school for that.

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The Acorn

A unicorn has one horn.

A bicorn has two.

A polycorn has many horns

That can stick into you.

So a unicorn with no horn

Is an acorn, I suppose.

If you didn’t believe in magic,

Well, I guess now you knows.

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Portrait of the Vampire Slayer as a Young Girl

If I were granted just one wish
I’d have an evil-slaying sword.
It may not be too practical,
But at least I wouldn’t be bored.

I’d go around the moonlit city
Slaying, smiting, chopping,
And otherwise killing baddies.
That, or I’d go shopping.

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