I asked my friend “If you could mix
“Any two animals, what would you choose?”
He said “The body of a human
“And the spirit of a goose.”
At first I thought him silly,
Maybe even a little dumb,
But now I think he’s a wizard
And I know where Californian drivers come from.
Some friends and I were mucking about
The attic when we found
And old top hat with a label that
Said “This makes men dance around.”
So we rolled some snowballs up
And made a face of carrot and coal
And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap
And pretended he had a soul.
Alas, for us, the sun was hot
And dancers tend to sweat
So when the day had gone away
That magic hat was wet,
So we hung it by the fire
Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…
So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.
‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!
“There’s no such thing as magic”
Is what the stranger said,
So I dropped the pulsing rainbow orb
And hit him with a pan instead.
They say a woman joked
Telling her husband, “I got your nose!”
Within an hour the fire was stoked…
Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.
Pick a random card and write it down.
Then think of the number of letters
In the name of your favorite town…
If you subtract the number you thought of
From how often you think of French maids
You’ll find that the card you have written
Is in fact the seven of spades.
He said he had a magic trick
That always would impress.
He told me to pick any card
So I picked his American Express.
A Mexican magician
Was the epitome of grace.
He would count “uno, dos,”
Then disappear without a tres.
He did this trick in Europe.
When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”
Then he asked “can you see me now?”
And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.”
I saw an ad for a psychiatrist.
His reviews said “he’s magnificent.”
I needed a psychiatrist
And so to his place I went.
I told him how my father
Left my mother when I was young,
How I suffered from a crippling fear
Of swallowing my tongue,
Of how I had anxiety,
Social and miscellaneous,
And until now had found talking
About my feelings to be extraneous.
The magnificent psychiatrist
Listened closely to my fear,
Then he said “I’ve found the problem…
“It’s this coin behind your ear.”
And as he drew a quarter
From where my lobe and auricle met
His other hand gave me a bill
And the shrink said “you’re all set.”
I left his office happier…
That I can say for sure.
I can also say with certainty
I won’t be using Yelp no more.
Do you want to be a wizard,
A chef or a vampire?
Do you want to train a monster
Or have power over fire?
Do you want to be a warrior
Who fights an evil horde?
Or maybe it’s that normal school
Just leaves you feeling bored.
If you want to read your family’s minds
Or own a talking cat,
Chances are, in animé,
There’s a school for that.
A unicorn has one horn.
A bicorn has two.
A polycorn has many horns
That can stick into you.
So a unicorn with no horn
Is an acorn, I suppose.
If you didn’t believe in magic,
Well, I guess now you knows.