Tag Archives: Magic

Forget Centaurs…

I asked my friend “If you could mix

“Any two animals, what would you choose?”

He said “The body of a human

“And the spirit of a goose.”

At first I thought him silly,

Maybe even a little dumb,

But now I think he’s a wizard

And I know where Californian drivers come from.

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Careful Where You Hang Your Hat

Some friends and I were mucking about

The attic when we found

And old top hat with a label that

Said “This makes men dance around.”

So we rolled some snowballs up

And made a face of carrot and coal

And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap

And pretended he had a soul.

Alas, for us, the sun was hot

And dancers tend to sweat

So when the day had gone away

That magic hat was wet,

So we hung it by the fire

Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…

So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.

‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!

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Versatility 101

“There’s no such thing as magic”

Is what the stranger said,

So I dropped the pulsing rainbow orb

And hit him with a pan instead.

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Trials of an Amateur Magician

Massachusetts, 1692:

They say a woman joked

Telling her husband, “I got your nose!”

Within an hour the fire was stoked…

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Somewhere, 1.923% Of My Readers Just Pooped Themselves (The Other 98.077 Need To Reevaluate Their Fetishes)

Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.

Pick a random card and write it down.

Then think of the number of letters

In the name of your favorite town…

If you subtract the number you thought of

From how often you think of French maids

You’ll find that the card you have written

Is in fact the seven of spades.

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Wizard, Meet Rogue

He said he had a magic trick

That always would impress.

He told me to pick any card

So I picked his American Express.

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I Stole These Jokes And Made Them Rhyme… You’re Welcome

A Mexican magician

Was the epitome of grace.

He would count “uno, dos,”

Then disappear without a tres.

He did this trick in Europe.

When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”

Then he asked “can you see me now?”

And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.” 

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I saw an ad for a psychiatrist.

His reviews said “he’s magnificent.”

I needed a psychiatrist

And so to his place I went.

I told him how my father

Left my mother when I was young,

How I suffered from a crippling fear

Of swallowing my tongue,

Of how I had anxiety,

Social and miscellaneous,

And until now had found talking

About my feelings to be extraneous.

The magnificent psychiatrist 

Listened closely to my fear,

Then he said “I’ve found the problem…

“It’s this coin behind your ear.”

And as he drew a quarter

From where my lobe and auricle met

His other hand gave me a bill

And the shrink said “you’re all set.”

I left his office happier…

That I can say for sure.

I can also say with certainty

I won’t be using Yelp no more.

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And I Bet They Have Cute Uniforms There

Do you want to be a wizard,

A chef or a vampire?

Do you want to train a monster

Or have power over fire?

Do you want to be a warrior

Who fights an evil horde?

Or maybe it’s that normal school

Just leaves you feeling bored.

If you want to read your family’s minds

Or own a talking cat,

Chances are, in animé,

There’s a school for that.

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The Acorn

A unicorn has one horn.

A bicorn has two.

A polycorn has many horns

That can stick into you.

So a unicorn with no horn

Is an acorn, I suppose.

If you didn’t believe in magic,

Well, I guess now you knows.

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