Find a deck of shuffled playing cards.
Pick a random card and write it down.
Then think of the number of letters
In the name of your favorite town…
If you subtract the number you thought of
From how often you think of French maids
You’ll find that the card you have written
Is in fact the seven of spades.
He said he had a magic trick
That always would impress.
He told me to pick any card
So I picked his American Express.
A Mexican magician
Was the epitome of grace.
He would count “uno, dos,”
Then disappear without a tres.
He did this trick in Europe.
When he reappeared he said “mama mia!”
Then he asked “can you see me now?”
And the crowd said: “Yes, oui, si, ja.”
I saw an ad for a psychiatrist.
His reviews said “he’s magnificent.”
I needed a psychiatrist
And so to his place I went.
I told him how my father
Left my mother when I was young,
How I suffered from a crippling fear
Of swallowing my tongue,
Of how I had anxiety,
Social and miscellaneous,
And until now had found talking
About my feelings to be extraneous.
The magnificent psychiatrist
Listened closely to my fear,
Then he said “I’ve found the problem…
“It’s this coin behind your ear.”
And as he drew a quarter
From where my lobe and auricle met
His other hand gave me a bill
And the shrink said “you’re all set.”
I left his office happier…
That I can say for sure.
I can also say with certainty
I won’t be using Yelp no more.
Do you want to be a wizard,
A chef or a vampire?
Do you want to train a monster
Or have power over fire?
Do you want to be a warrior
Who fights an evil horde?
Or maybe it’s that normal school
Just leaves you feeling bored.
If you want to read your family’s minds
Or own a talking cat,
Chances are, in animé,
There’s a school for that.
A unicorn has one horn.
A bicorn has two.
A polycorn has many horns
That can stick into you.
So a unicorn with no horn
Is an acorn, I suppose.
If you didn’t believe in magic,
Well, I guess now you knows.
If I were granted just one wish
I’d have an evil-slaying sword.
It may not be too practical,
But at least I wouldn’t be bored.
I’d go around the moonlit city
Slaying, smiting, chopping,
And otherwise killing baddies.
That, or I’d go shopping.