There once was a poet named Jim Rick
Who never could finish a limerick.
He put his mind to it
But every time blew it.
Tag Archives: Humor
Almost
Filed under Poems
Neverland is Here
A child once asked
What the word “adult” means.
I answered “It’s someone
Grown out of their teens.”
“So just like a grown up!”
The kid clarified,
And I felt my innards
Knotting up inside
For I knew that tiny figure
Holding onto his sippy cup
Would be forced to discover
Most adults never grow up.
Filed under Poems
I Apologize In Advance
I visited a farm
When I was a Sophomore
Where I met a cow named Landeskog,
The only Swedish cow I’d seen before.
Later, when I was eating lunch,
A pack of mac and cheese,
Landeskog started crying
Right on my macaronis.
So all the tedious lead up
That has been this vignetti
Is to tell you of the time I had
Swedish meat bawl on my spaghetti.
Filed under Poems
I’m Not Fine
How are you?
What’s up? What’s new?
We ask these all the time.
But though we answer,
Whether we got a raise or cancer ,
With just the words “I’m fine.”
“I’m fine” is a lie
Perpetuated by
Unwillingness to share your feelings.
It’s a cop out at best
To a ritual test
And it should be shunned from further dealings.
Instead of “I’m fine,”
Try out a line
Like “Fabulous, splendid, or grand.”
If your status is bad,
Like those days we’ve all had
Try “Indifferent, unhappy, or bland.”
There are so many descriptors
With so few prescriptors.
(I don’t know if prescriptor’s a word).
So if honesty’s sought,
Give this a shot.
If you don’t, please know I have grr-ed.
Filed under Poems
My One Flaw
It is not my intention
To be this great.
Good luck and good looks
Are simply my fate.
I did not choose
To have Two-hundred IQ,
To be flawless in bed,
To have eyes so blue.
It’s not my fault
I’ve never made a fumble,
So can’t you forgive me
That I’m just not that humble?
Anything But That!
Putrid lasers fill the air
At the annual super villain’s fair.
Cackles dance among the stars
As they network and blow up cars.
And I look on with quiet glee,
Knowing the evilest of all is me.
I will release a weapon of dire stress:
A letter from the IRS.
Filed under Poems
Nature Talks
I walked through the forest
And asked a great tree
“How are you so great?
“Can you teach that to me.”
But the tree did not answer,
The great stupid jerk.
I packed up my stuff
And I drove off to work.
A week and some later
I walked on the beach
And I asked the great waves
If they had stuff to teach.
The waves answered “shh”
As they crashed on the shore,
And I left, disappointed,
To the city once more.
Then finally I strolled
O’er a mountainous peak
Hoping to hear
The big pointy rock speak.
And I finally listened
To its silent reply,
And at once understood,
And I high-fived the sky.
The Man Who Caught Her Eye
The fellow was tall, his hair was long
And a gleam sat in his eye.
Half a smile hinted at trouble,
And he wore a straight red tie.
His shoes and socks and trousers
Were black as starless night.
He was the sort to ignore the easy
And chase what he knew was right.
Charisma caught the woman’s eye,
And she caught his gaze as well,
And as he gazed at her he thought
“Why’d I eat that Taco Bell?”
Filed under Poems
A 6:00 PM Poem
‘Tis a sad occasion
To break a pact,
Especially by
Forgetting to act.
And so I have
Avoided great sorrow
By writing today’s poem
Before tomorrow.
Filed under Poems
Romantus Lycanthropus (Thatus is Latinus)
Yellow teeth
And orange eyes
Shine like fire
Under the full moon.
I try to smile,
Tell some lies,
But all I can say is
“Hey honey. Back so soon?”
My lover plods forwards
With wolfish eyes fixed
On the little pink pocket
At the base of my neck.
I know what I must do.
My feelings aren’t mixed.
It’s her time of the month,
And out I must get the heck.
Filed under Poems
