Tag Archives: Struggles

My 100% True Treatise On My American Patriotism

I was born in Colorado,

Learned my talkin’ in Kentucky,

Grew up in Northwest Washington

Which, although American, is Canucky.

Now a man who makes a living

Rhyming mediocre comedy

I lie in bed listening to the sounds

Of patriotic hymns from Ireland.

My heart’s in Limerick,

My mind’s in Dublin,

My eyes see Antrims and see Galways!

I am in a kilt

(Yes, I know that’s Scotland)

And I’ll praise green, white, and orange for always!

Then the youtube algorithm

Plays me “God Defend New Zealand”

And the Maori spirit rips the kilt away

And I walk with hobbits in the free land!

Misty mountains, patriotic,

Connect two hemispheres within me…

That’s until I hear the opening chords

Of the Russian anthem start to win me.

Now Haggis, Borscht, Poutine, and Kiwis

Are all chicken-fried in my spirit

And I only wish that the Star-Spangled Banner

Were a song that made me want to hear it.

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